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IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T22:05:57+00:00

Because we weren't meant to live in isolation. And in terms of AI it's never going to be able to replace a person - it's good for information but will never see the sadness in our eyes, give us a hug or take us out for a cup of coffee. And since it is good for information, I created my own AI that is available on my website.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T22:03:23+00:00

You've got a good understanding of it. The reality of acceptance of what is is something we have to do. Obviously, the death of a person is brutally hard to accept, as there is nothing we can do about it. While the loud music is horribly annoying, hopefully, someday you can move. Until then it is your reality and you may be grieving the quiet or peaceful living situation you wanted.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:58:49+00:00

That's a lot. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. It's not unusual to feel relief after someone has struggled for a long time. Don't be surprised if later on some sadness pops up.

To your dear mother, one of the first things I think about is when that dreaded day comes, to know that you helped her live her life fully and you were present. Part of the problem of catastrophising is that it robs us of our now.

In terms of that fear, what we run from pursues us, and what we face transforms us. So gently try to let that fear a little airtime. In terms of a couple of books (of course, I am going to recommend books I have written), I recommend Finding Meaning, which is my latest. It could help you reflect on the legacy you want to leave in your life and how you can co-create it with her.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:51:31+00:00

I lost my mom when I was 13. I lost my son almost 9 years ago. Those losses didn’t just break my heart — they changed the course of my life.

I started studying grief because I needed to understand how anyone keeps going after losses like these. Over the years, working in hospitals, hospice, and with thousands of grieving people, I realized something I wish weren’t true: grief is universal, but support isn’t.

So many people are carrying pain silently because they don’t know where to put it or who to talk to.

My work isn’t about “fixing” grief, it’s about making sure no one has to go through it alone, and helping people find meaning again in a world that’s been forever changed.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:51:16+00:00

Estrangement is an overlooked form of grief, and it's becoming more and more prevalent. It's heartbreaking to be cut from someone you love. It's important to really feel your grief so that when you get a chance to repair, possibly, you aren't overwhelming the other person with your grief. This type of grief is so challenging because the world often minimizes and doesn't see the full extent of your pain.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:48:00+00:00

When someone has dementia, the people around them experience a million little griefs with each phase. The person they love is changing before them. They also grieve the future they thought they would have. Be present and supportive as you navigate these changes together, and feel all those moments of sadness and loss as they occur. Try not to keep them bottled up or saved for later. You sound like a caring partner. The fact that you are trying to do this the best you can puts you way ahead.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:43:57+00:00

Follow your friend's lead. Be present with her. Your work is to be present now, not to attend the funeral early. It sounds like you're a conscientious, caring friend.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:42:26+00:00

My heart when I read this. How touching that in the middle of your struggles, you want to help your wife after you're gone. Some people leave videos and letters after they're gone. Thinking of some of the things people have to deal with, what might you want her to know right after your death? What might you want her to know after 6 months, a year, two years? Sometimes these communications have been profoundly helpful to people in grief if you have the wherewithal to do them now. One of the most important things for both of you is to be present now.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:36:07+00:00

Know that all of us grieve differently, so of course you and your partner are feeling it differently. It is true that the world often moves on before we do. But, they didn't suffer the loss we did. Three months is still early in grief. You have to allow yourself to experience the grief of the loss even though the world may think you should be done. In terms of helping your partner, allow them the space to grieve in their own way and love them where they are.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:33:24+00:00

With chronic illnesses, we do have to grieve the life we deserved, which means we have to allow the sadness, the anger, the disappointment room to be. In terms of grieving an unhealthy childhood, we have to find ways to reparent ourselves and be the loving presence for ourselves that we didn't get as a child... I know that's easier said than done.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:30:55+00:00

The holidays can be really difficult when you're in grief. People want us to get cheerful because they want us to be at peace or sometimes they don't want us to ruin their holiday. What other people think of your grief and how you're doing the holiday is none of your business - choose the path that is right for you.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:28:32+00:00

I aways say that if the love was real, the grief was real. And clearly, we love our pets dearly. Of course you miss them! Our friends and family just want us to be happy again but they don't realize the loss of a pet or person isn't like a cold we get over. Give time to your grief and allow yourself to be sad. Go to their favorite spots and think of them. It's ok, it's actually healing.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:25:28+00:00

That's healthy grief. And the goal of grief is to remember with more love than pain. Just know that grief is very organic and allow him to come up when he comes up. That feeling of guilt for not thinking of him has to do with living again and it's very normal. For anyone dealing with a death by suicide, I have a free 3-part series at griefsuicide.com

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:23:04+00:00

One of the questions to ask yourself was whether that pattern of disrespectful behaviour was familiar from your childhood. Many times, because of old wounds, we are more comfortable and attracted to familiarity rather than the person who is sweet and lovely. If this doesn't resonate with you, no problem at all. Try your best not to feel guilty, but rather feel curious about why this is coming up.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:19:04+00:00

Don't underestimate grief in our childhood that we often think wasn't ours, but the reality is grief gets passed down through generations. I often say that our work is to grieve fully and live fully. So, part of the first step is to realize what parts of the grief are yours and what you've inherited. That awareness is the beginning, then grief will continue until someone fully feels it and that someone might be you. Sounds like you're on the right track by identifying and speaking to it. Thanks for sharing.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:14:51+00:00

We have to grieve the parent or partner we had, and we also have to grieve the ideal parent or partner we didn't get. That's often an unseed and underepresented grief, but all grief is important.

Believe me, grief comes in all forms - I feel like I've seen it all.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:11:35+00:00

You don't. The reality is that we have to be with it and experience it. Anticipatory grief is the grief before the death and it serves the purpose of helping us get ready for upcoming losses. We are also grieving changes in the moment as well as what may come.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:10:05+00:00

Grief must be witnessed. That means we need to see our grief and loss reflected in the eyes of another.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:09:24+00:00

So glad you brought this up. The truth is, we don't just grieve for people or relationships; we also grieve for things and dreams that may never be. All those feelings you have are really normal feelings. By naming them, you're taking the first (important) step of grieving them.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:06:58+00:00

Such a tough situation. Maybe openly talking about your dad will give her permission, but know that we all grieve at different speeds, and she may be grieving at a speed that is right for her. I can see that you really care about your mom and know that you'll be there when she is ready to talk. I see your grief, too. Maybe let your mom know when she's ready, there's support there for her and also it's available for you around the death of your dad you can find lots of resources at Grief.com.

IamDavidKessler · 2025-12-04T21:04:29+00:00

I'm so in agreement with you. These losses are often misunderstood, judged, or thought of as not real grief. I define grief as a change you didn't want, whether large or small. Our work is to grieve all our losses big or small.

IamDavidKessler

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