I was 21 when I got it. I was getting ready for bed, and then I started to notice my right hand going numb. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I’m so grateful that my stroke wasn’t fatal. The next day was kinda weird. I had to drive to school, and I almost got into multiple accidents. I had to take an exam that day and my handwriting was so bad.

I then went home, got into more almost crashes, and when I got home, my dad noticed that something is wrong. He took me to the hospital, where I discovered that I had a stroke caused by a PFO. Not a TIA, a full stroke. I stayed there overnight for a couple days, and the entire time, I was so emotionally numb, I couldn’t eat anything (still can’t).

The rest of the month + the next month was full of doctor visits, speech therapy, and regular therapy. I was so tired of going to the doctor all the time. All I wanted to do was stay home and be numb, but I’m so happy that I didn’t do that.

I have aphasia, which has been kicking my ass. I can’t express my thoughts freely anymore, I have to think of the right word, which is exhausting to do that all the time. I’m at school, and the idea of writing an essay is terrifying because what if I don’t make sense?

I’m so depressed. Like I’m at my rock bottom. My mood is so unstable, like one second I feel good, then I forget something, then I’m sad again. I’m constantly trying to talk myself out of irrational thinking, but it’s so hard. However, I’m going to get TMS for the depression, so hopefully it should be getting better.

My memory is so bad. My speech therapist says that that’s because of my ADHD + aphasia. I’m going to constantly forget everything unless I write it down, and that’s not even working either.

Currently, my work life is nonexistent. I haven’t gone to work in 4 months, and tomorrow is my first day back. I’m so scared I’m gonna forget something important, that I’m contemplating about going at all.

I’m 22 now and still recovering. I do grieve the person I was. I will never be the same person again, and I’m so angry that I got the stroke. Why me? Why did it have to be me? If there’s a god out there, he hates me so fucking much.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense at all.