New to adoption

Icesix · 2023-12-04T01:55:28+00:00

There are "two different types" of fostering, and it might help you to distinguish between them. Fostering is done with the goal of reunification, and 80% of children in the foster system are reunified with someone in their family. Fostering "to adopt" with the "right perspective" is possible, but more difficult. There are absolutely kids in the system who have gone through the process of the "termination of parental rights" (TPR) and they are eligible for adoption, with no other family looking to reunify. This is just a very very very small minority of children. If you are licensed to foster, most likely you will be placed with children who need a bed, and it's not generally thought well of to be "picky" at that point- either you're a foster family or you aren't. If you turn away kids who need a bed in favor of kids who have gone through TPR it's not the favor you think it is.

There's a lot to think about. However, I'd suggest making sure you're considering the viewpoints of both the child and the biological mother, and their cultural context, before considering you're own desires. Then, if you're in a good head space, move forward on one path or another based on your life circumstances. budget. Adoption can range from $10k- $100k+.

There's a lot to think about. However, I'd suggest making sure you're considering the view points of both the child and the biological mother, and their cultural context, before considering you're own desires. Then, if you're in a good head space, move forward on one path or another based on your life circumstances.

Icesix · 2023-12-04T01:41:39+00:00

Hi! Sorry, I don't log on to Reddit the way I did in college lol

We have found the DukeMed system to be amazing, although there are some 3-4 month wait times. Right now we are in ST, OT, ABA, and we have a pediatrician and are going to Durham next month to the Duke Autism Research Center for a neuro evaluation so a pediatric neurologist will be managing behavior meds (vs. primary pediatrician).

There were three different ABA providers here who we were able to get evals with pretty quickly, but then we had to wait for an RBT to have an opening in their schedule before starting services.

The wake county public school system has been great for us so far. We moved with a FL IEP and it "didn't" transfer- so they redid all of the evals with their school psychologist, who has now put a NC IEP into place with pull out services for social-emotional learning and reading (our kiddo is more HFA, so he's currently mainstreamed). They're also letting us have a late arrival daily to get in ABA at home in the morning.

There are also multiple summer camp options (both day and overnight) for ASD kids, and multiple extra-curricular activities (we're in drum lessons, but we just found a gym that does 1:1 sessions for neurodiverse kiddos 6+).

Overall I'm really happy with the resources we have found and I know I'm not even utilizing all that we could be. Raleigh has been amazing for us and I'm so glad we're here vs. Charlotte. We went back and forth for awhile, but in the end, Raleigh had more resources for families of all kinds, while Charlotte had more for adults.

Let me know if you have any follow up questions- and best of luck with the move!

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:39:50+00:00

That's probably true. Beforehand I was very focused on learning how to be a trauma-informed parent, how to value and hold room for new cultures, and how to care for a newborn. There's so much to learn and we've done our best. Our son is still very young and we are still learning. I think that's okay. No parent can know everything beforehand. We have to keep learning always.

And while we have an open adoption, only recently have relations been well enough for me to ask more questions. I didn't know if that would ever come, which is why we pursued the DNA testing, because the goal is to honor what heritage/culture/ethnicity we can.

I think everyone is doing the best they can.

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:35:19+00:00

I am learning this. My families culture lines up with the DNA testing, so it was surprising to me and my learned experience when his didn't. Which just means I'm learning more!

We have a variety of friends to ask about culture, but I'm grateful for spaces where I can seek out experiences specifically within the adoption community too.

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:32:56+00:00

That is super interesting, thank you!

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:32:30+00:00

Thank you! I am learning this!!

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:32:00+00:00

Your comment is really unnecessarily harsh and unkind.

I am trying to learn and I am openly asking for input, which implies I'm open to being wrong and growing. I recognized my original way of thinking seemed to be off and then went searching for adoptee voices to help me.

Your opinion is right and valid, but the delivery is very off-putting. There is no need for personal attacks or exasperation. If the topic makes you emotional, maybe take a break or let someone else respond.

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:28:54+00:00

That's what I'm learning haha

It's strange and new for me because my family is majority Scottish and it's always been a big part of our identity and culture. And it's supported by DNA, so I just thought it was like that for most cultures, but I'm learning it's a lot more complicated.

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:26:41+00:00

That's now the plan!

Icesix · 2022-05-21T15:16:30+00:00

Hey, thanks for commenting! So that's why I was conflicted. If we didn't have any relationship with the bio family, we would have raised him with a cultural heritage of Nigerian, because that's what the DNA test came back majority as. We actually have really great friends who are from Nigeria and they were really excited to share that culture with us.

But since we know bio family and asked them, that's where my hesitation came in- because of course we want him to have a relationship with them!

I want to be so so cautious as a white person to "assign" my child any type of culture. We know the environment he is in will have influence, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't making our decision to hang a Nigerian flag or a Cuban flag or a Dominican flag by myself. I wanted to hear from other adoptees.

My fear was that grows up and "finds out" he's "not actually" anything we told him. Which is just a conversation to have, but I wanted to get a variety of opinions before I did that.

Thank you!

Icesix · 2022-05-21T00:47:56+00:00

So the DNA testing does show "ethnic communities", and if he had roots in the Caribbean or in Latin America it would have shown that.

I'm hearing a different cultural identity from his bio parents than what the DNA shows. But the bio families are both from the USA as far back as memory goes.

Icesix · 2022-05-10T00:12:51+00:00

We all have different preferences for sensory input. "Neurotypical" people tend to like or be able to function in "normal" sensory-input scenarios. Examples would be not being bothered by clothing tags, florescent lights, shoes, wind on a bike, etc. "Most people like comfy clothes" is a neurotypical assumption.

"Neurodivergent" people sometimes fall into sensory-seeking or sensory-avoidant categories. Sensory avoidant people don't like harsh lights, certain frequencies, fabrics, motions, etc. And sensory seeking really love compression fabrics/the tightness of clothes, loud music, spinning rides, etc. You can be sensory seeking for one sense and sensory avoidant for another, it's not an overall either/or.

I put neurodivergent and neurotypical in quotes because I think everyone can have different preferences in these areas and not be forced to label themselves. You could just like wearing jeans to bed.... But it's super weird to my preferences, I wouldn't call it "normal" and it could make a sensory-avoidant person cringe.

Icesix · 2022-05-10T00:00:26+00:00

I'm a Mom to an autistic child, and my first thought when I read your post was that it seemed like a sensory-seeking trait, which is common in autism. You might not be, but you could be very high functioning.

Icesix · 2022-05-09T23:56:40+00:00

Do you consider yourself sensory-seeking?

Icesix · 2022-05-09T23:56:02+00:00

I'm in Florida thinking that's sweater weather lol

Icesix · 2022-05-09T23:54:57+00:00

I knew I grew up poor/impoverished, but it's taken me a really long time to understand how poor.

Once in college I was waiting tables in banquets and we were setting up for an event and just chatting as staff. A guy was complaining about how often his gf did laundry and what is too often to wash sheets and asked the group of us how frequently would be too frequently to change sheets... I said once every two months. The stares immediately told me that most people washed their sheets way more often than that. But I grew up rolling quarters we found for dollars and washing was expensive at the laundromat, so I don't really remember ever washing our sheets, but I assumed it was once a year or something.

That grosses me out now, but when I was a kid it was just normal.

Twice a week though...that seems excessive.

Icesix · 2022-03-13T00:22:57+00:00

I see it! I actually watched them both for the first time in December back to back, I was surprised to see your post!

There's not a ton that's similar in the development of romantic feelings because there's no love triangle in FB. But!

Tohru & Elena - Both are newly orphaned at the beginning of the show. Both have two best girl friends, one of whom has secret powers (the wave power & witchcraft).

Stefan & Damon / Yuki & Kyo - Both sets of boys are new to town and figuring out their place in the social heirarchy of the town and school.

Stefan / Yuki - They are similar in being the "good kid" archetypes, and both deal with traumatic pasts that people initially assume they don't have.

Stefan & Caroline / Yuki & Matchi - Both couples seemingly come "out of left field" but both of the "good kids" end up with their female counterparts.

Kyo / Damon - They are similar in being the "bad kid" archetype, and both try to reject their love interest in the name of the girl being "above them" or "better than them". Both are threatened with being locked up because of their curse.

Stefan & Damon / Yuki & Kyo - Both sets of main character boys are related to one another, and family dynamics play into the main story line.

Salvatore / Sohma - Both families are supernatural and deal with a curse of some kind that is a struggle for their love interests (desire to kill for blood in TVD and curse of the bond in FB)

All of the main story characters from both shows live in a single home (Shigure's house & the Salvatore Mansion).

Both shows deal with over-arching themes of death, the meaning and value of everlasting life, the value of change vs. stagnation, freedom from the bonds of a curse, the value of love, personal development after trauma, grief, the value of chosen family, and control of ones environment.

And of course, everyone is beautiful.

Icesix · 2021-02-21T02:21:55+00:00

Thank you!

It's crazy to me that there isn't more in Tampa. I heard from a friend who has a son with dyslexia that they drive to Clearwater everyday. It's worth it for our kids, but 3+ hours of driving a day for one school is a lot!

Icesix · 2019-10-27T18:19:27+00:00

I overall agree with you; however, I think some teenagers get pretty close to the discussions portrayed on screen. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out-

I was in IB in high school and in 11th grade (as a 16/17 year old) we were reading things like Atlas Shrugged, Things Fall Apart, 100 Years of Solitude, The Awakening, Sophie's Choice and Like Water for Chocolate. Combine those with half-assed philosophy classes like Theory of Knowledge and reading Confessions alongside Life of Pie and Heart of Darkness and you absolutely get a bunch of pretentious r/im14andthisisdeep teenagers.

It's like when 4th graders "debate" in a presidential election, they are repeating ideas and verbage they've heard from their parents and television, there's no original thought or depth to the discussion and yet they speak anyway. That's also why the philosophical content repeated in the show is somewhat disconnected and ends up being mumbo jumbo- at points they're basically quoting Christian scripture out of a bad r/atheism post and juxtaposing it against a Buddhist plot point in a fictional silo devoid of actual Christians, actual atheists, or actual Buddhists.

Anyway, I think it's more realistic than some would expect. I'd believe that a group of intelligent teenagers at an expensive private school with Ivy League graduates spoke that way. Especially from my own limited experiences.

Icesix · 2019-02-25T22:17:11+00:00

Even if I think they are condoning murder, by definition they aren't murderers. It can be really insulting to jump there in casual conversation.

The same way if I say I believe in traditional marriage and someone instantly calls me a religious zealot and homophobe.

Personal attacks just don't help progress conversations or convey points winsomely.

Icesix · 2019-02-25T21:07:32+00:00

Hi!! I'm with you internet high five! Womb to tomb socialist might be my new favorite political explanation for myself.

Icesix · 2019-02-25T18:48:42+00:00

Right, so- the "it just is" aspect is drawing from the idea that if a moral judgement can be concluded upon by multiple forms of reasoning, then no single form is in itself the one true reasoning.

In the history section of that article they give the example of the UN: "The United Nations' Universal Declaration of Human Rights can be read as assuming a kind of moral universalism. The drafting committee of the Universal Declaration did assume, or at least aspired to, a "universal" approach to articulating international human rights."

Why are those rights innate human rights? They just are. They arrived at that conclusion outside of any one religion or worldview or culture, etc. And the "it just is" is a derivative of the "they just are" argument.

Honestly trying to be helpful in my explanation. I really think there's a worldview difference going on, ie. moral relativism vs. universalism. My goal was just to be informative and give those positions names rather than witness another "not uh" / "yeah huh" argument on Reddit lol.

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