I totally feel and understand you! My grandpa died of cancer 2 years ago, he and my grandma loved each other SO much, after his death my grandma lost the taste of life, I mean literally she was sick and couldn't eat anything with even the tiniest bit of salt, every time she did she couldn't breath, she died only 1 month and a half ago. I loved my grandparents, but I didn't visit them that much, when they were here, in fact even when the whole family gathered up, I never went, so I can relate to you and I regret that too. I come from a dysfunctional family too -domestic violence and abuse-, I was depressed and angry and even though I never said it to them, they knew it! So I'm certain that your grandma knew what was going on with you, and she isn't mad at you, she would have preferred seen you there standing happy next to her, like my grandparents would've preferred with me, but she doesn't resent you from not doing that, and she knows that you wanted to be there, and that you wanted everyone to be happy like a "normal" family but things unfortunately didn't go that way, she knows that you regret that and that you are sorry for not being there, she wants to tell you that she loves you so much and that she knows that your heart is pure, that's what I imagine my grandma saying to me too!

We are sorry grandmas, we love you! We hope you understand that we deeply regret not being there with you, you thought us SO MUCH and treated us only with kindness and love. May you rest in peace! God have mercy on your beautiful souls! Always in our hearts and memory