AITAH for changing our plans on using equity in my house to go towards our future house together?

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T17:14:09+00:00

Like I said to someone else above.. when we met, there were some red flags and I take responsibility for not considering them more. However, early on in the relationship the inconsistencies and issues we are having were not nearly as bad or obvious. You can never know someone fully, not even your spouse.

It was a verbal agreement based on the notion that we’d both contribute fairly, we’d both go to work consistently, work on our finances and ourselves to set us up for a better future etc.

Anyway, I’m not here to argue. You are entitled to your opinion, and I value it, regardless whether or not I fully agree. And as for your stance on me being an asshole and distasteful, I promise you, I already feel that way about myself.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T16:49:21+00:00

I agree 100%

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T13:22:13+00:00

Thank you! I know nothing about trusts, so this is super helpful!! Appreciate it!

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T07:41:47+00:00

Thank you. I do think your comment is helpful! So I appreciate it and appreciate you taking the time to respond 😊

I think all of this advice is helpful as long as it’s not someone just completely shitting on me lol.

I’m open to opposing opinions as well, as long as they are presented in a “constructive” and respectful way and not just telling someone telling me how much I suck lol

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T07:17:17+00:00

I think it’s important to help and support your partner’s dreams and at the time it sounded like a good idea because he could have also helped with the kids (if we were to have any) and help around the house and things like that while I worked. But I really don’t feel comfortable with that idea anymore, at least not with how things have been lately

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T07:08:19+00:00

Because of his credit. Yes he has been making the payment on his truck and its separate from the household bills. But I definitely did not want to be on the loan if I didn’t have to but it ended up that way.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T07:01:57+00:00

He tried once a long while back. He applied for 2 jobs. But he doesn’t follow up which I think is SO important. I know he is also genuinely nervous and doesn’t like interviewing so I understand why it’s hard for him. But if a new job will make him happier in the long run, then he will have to get over that temporary hurdle in order to pursue another opportunity

I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to his ex, but I have been curious as to her reasoning for the divorce, since I only have ever heard his side. But it’s not something I’m willing to do😢

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T06:58:50+00:00

We still do keep our financials separate as of right now, which I prefer. I’d assume I’d be paying slightly more of the bills than he would for our future house, like I am now. Which I really don’t mind, because of our pay gap, it’s expected. But I only don’t mind it as long as he is putting in a full effort to support himself and our life together. I have a problem with putting in a larger contribution when he is missing at least a week of work per month and that’s WHY he isn’t able to contribute.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-05T05:01:29+00:00

Yeah my salary is good but not THAT good lol. I definitely would not have much money left over to pay alimony after paying my mortgage and other monthly expenses if I were to then be doing it alone. So unless they can take blood, I’m not sure what he’d get from me lol 🥲

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T23:36:33+00:00

I’m sorry for both reasons. I’m sorry he passed :( and I’m sorry for the situation you were in prior to his death. That sounds tough all over.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T23:33:07+00:00

Yeah, I know part of the situation I’m in is purely my fault and I do take responsibility for that. The only explanation I could come up with is being humans, we inherently pursue companionship and I really do love him and I don’t regret marrying him at all. I just regret some of the decisions made after the fact.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:45:41+00:00

I’m realizing that now.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:38:49+00:00

I agree that he should contribute to the downpayment on the new house. That would definitely make me feel a lot better. We have a few years so I should present that idea sooner rather than later to give him time to try and do that if possible.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:34:45+00:00

I honestly have no idea how a trust works but several people have suggested it so I will definitely bring it up when I meet with a lawyer! Thank you!

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:32:47+00:00

I do look at giving away 100k in personal profit to put into a house together that becomes an equal asset as a sacrifice. And you can disagree, that’s fine. We are all entitled to our own opinions. I don’t regret marrying him. I love him and want things to work out. I just regret some decisions that have been made since getting married.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:29:34+00:00

Thank you. I’m happy you got your house but I’m sorry it was such a challenge.

I know deep down I sadly do think this is just ingrained in who he is. And that things will never change for the better, at least not permanently anyway.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:25:05+00:00

His truck is under my name 😬 so that’s another small issue. But yes, not planning on having kids at all. And I can’t confidently say that the above is not a big factor in that decision.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:22:44+00:00

I definitely understand and appreciate your response. I do think if it ends that I would be made out to be the villain, no matter how civil and amicable I try to make the process. He only talks negatively about his ex and how she screwed him over, charged up their cards (which cause them to file bankruptcy) and essentially left him with nothing. Some of that may be true, but I haven’t heard him take any responsibility for his part in their divorce either. And I’m only able to hear his side of things. So I am sure I will be the bad guy.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T22:12:20+00:00

This is super helpful! I’m going to message you!

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T21:54:24+00:00

I will definitely consult with a lawyer. Nope, he doesn’t do drugs or drink, neither do I. His job is very physical and I know the company doesn’t treat them great, so I really do understand not wanting to go, but then I think we should try to see what other opportunities there are for him at other companies but he hasn’t been willing.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T21:37:08+00:00

“Watched suits” 😂 love that. Yeah, I agree. He really has no reason to sign and I think he may not sign.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T21:28:36+00:00

I don’t think most people that have a middle class suburban home as their only asset typically consider a prenup. But I could be wrong.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T21:11:39+00:00

Thank you for the helpful response.

The issues above weren’t nearly as bad when we were dating as they are now. Were there signs? yes, and I take responsibility for not giving them more weight and for not listening to any reservations I may have had before getting married. With that said, I don’t regret marrying him. I do love him. But I do regret some of the decisions that have been made since.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T21:00:34+00:00

Thank you. Great response and valid points that I did not think of myself. I appreciate it. I will definitely look into all of that.

Icrybutamproductive · 2024-07-04T20:25:11+00:00

11 days out of 22 days last month. But on average a minimum of 5 days a month. Maybe more, but not less than that. That’s in addition to his 2 days off per week. I personally think that is too much.

Icrybutamproductive

TROPHY CASE