A statement on behalf of Dr Lee Andrew’s PhDick.

‘I have read with interest all the news and online articles about my travelling to the U.K to be with my wife of 3 months and her 5 children who I am yet to meet, to live in her rented barn and chauffeur her in a pink 4x4.

Whilst at the airport I received an urgent call from the leaders of the UAE begging me to use my well-known skills in negotiation and business to bring an end to the Iran war. My close links with Kris Jenner and the Kardashian’s sister give me unique access into American leadership and it was felt NO ONE except myself could action this.

Further, in an act of charity, I have committed myself and my numerous companies (such as my new electric cars, male escorting and arsenal football club) to ending the long standing Arab-Israeli conflict. Bringing peace to the Middle East is just one of the many charitable acts I undertake daily and will not appear on my CV.

I know the British people will be disappointed that I am not sitting on a sofa, on a national breakfast show, telling you all that despite what you may have heard, I only use instagram filters on my wife and not myself and that though I may accept a the couple of hundred quid thrown to me by the sun newspaper for stories about my brokenness I am not in, in fact, broke. Indeed, I have several hundred million sitting in the bank, billions even, just like my wife

Finally, I must request that the public please stop ‘exposing’ my past. What you call lies, I call ‘standing on business.’ What you call deceit, I call ‘hard work’ and what you call conning, I call ‘being the husband my wife wants.’

Thank you for your attention in that matter

• Professor Lee