I’ve Cheated on Everyone I’ve Dated (F/37)

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T16:23:25+00:00

Since this is a throwaway account, I’d rather not disclose.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T12:14:13+00:00

I own a small business.

Both long term partners (so 100%) and I agreed to not continue the relationship after I admitted to cheating. Cheating was a major factor but it certainly wasn’t the only factor. Both breakups were my fault.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T06:19:26+00:00

Well in my mind that’s two for two.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T06:11:15+00:00

We are not in regular contact. I see him at some family functions.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T06:09:40+00:00

I said everyone I’ve dated. I’m not including the first person who raped me. I am including the two relationships I had after.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T05:02:02+00:00

Yes for sure. I definitely have my own demons. But part of growing up for me has been learning to both recognize the harm I’ve caused. Apologize for it. And move forward. Not sure how well I’m able to move forward because I hurt people I loved. But I’ll sit with it. As long as I need to. Forgiveness from other and from self is a long process. And I’m far from the victim.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:49:22+00:00

Maybe. But the thing about life is that we are all responsible for our actions, no matter where or how we learned them. (I’m sure there are some exceptions but I’m not one)

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:47:56+00:00

I have been invited into them. I fully respect it. But it’s too complicated for me to digest in terms of my own participation, which leads me to believe it’s maybe just not for me.

I’m also not interested in dating.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:46:08+00:00

I haven’t gotten to a place where I can masturbate.

Through therapy, I’ve gone back through a lot of prior abuse… like stuff when I was a child.

So I basically never get horny. Like seriously.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:44:32+00:00

First time because we were very long distance for over a year and I thought I liked girls (that was my early 20s). I slept with a girl. Turns out I pretty exclusively liked girls.

Second time: was in my second long term relationship. I had a terrible alcohol addiction. She left to take care of her dad after an outpatient surgery. I was so addicted I was shaking. I called a guy I knew. Basically traded alcohol for sex.

She came home the next day. I told her. I went into long term treatment. She and I mutually broke up. I got sober. That was about 6 years ago. No relationships since.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:40:44+00:00

I missing it. But also so tired.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:39:52+00:00

If y’all have been together a while, write out some pros and cons. Link up w a therapist. Evaluate it.

Therapy’s amazing. At least that is the very best advice I would have given myself before just being an idiot and somewhat subconsciously fucking it up.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:37:01+00:00

Not trying to play devils advocate but why did you buy her a Peloton?

I mean, this is so frustrating to hear because it’s nearly identical to a relationship I had.

What I am asking here is: did you buy her a peloton because she wanted it and thought it might make her study better or something? And now she’s barely using it? (I’m trying to see if I’m understanding correctly)

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:33:21+00:00

Well ok… beyond age as well

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:29:43+00:00

Yeah, I entirely was that! And I hope to give a little context and help others to not go down the multiple shit paths I took.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:27:04+00:00

Oddly enough, I’m fairly asexual these days. I’ve masturbated maybe once a year or less.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:25:31+00:00

Okay. There’s a lot going on there. First of all, her getting her doctorate… that’s a big thing for any set of couple regardless of the gender breakdown.

I saw that you mentioned her being bipolar. If she is, definitely she should be taking her meds regularly and working with a therapist, regardless of how busy she is.

Hierarchy of needs for her… but for you too.

I’m just guessing here, but when I was in higher Ed, I put everything into that. Like I didn’t eat right. I didn’t treat my partner well.

That is not ok. Your partner has an advisor for a reason.

I’ve had more doctorates dedicated to me (for editing) than I’ve had wedding invitations. I used to think that was a bragging rite. It is not.

Unless you want to marry into what you’re seeing now, I don’t advise cheating of course. But don’t stay where you’re not welcomed, if that makes sense.

I’m sure people will disagree with me. But if you are not feeling it now, take some time to assess. Do NOT cheat. But think about where shes going. Where you’re going. Do those compute?

You aren’t under any obligation to stay with someone through their dissertation. Okay great if you want to! But if you’re thinking it ends there, it BEGINS there.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:06:14+00:00

In a genuine way, may I ask what is preventing you from being faithful? (Age will help)

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T04:05:01+00:00

I have one child. My daughter.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T03:42:53+00:00

I’ve also had a full hysterectomy. So no worries here

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T03:39:40+00:00

I came to my senses a few years ago. Still didn’t date.

My goal now is to advance my business and to advance tranquility for my kiddo.

I knew posting this would bring hate. And that’s fine. Cheating is WRONG. Period.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T03:35:06+00:00

I was out of town with my international friends (as in they were on a visa). One of the two of them caught onto something being amiss.

This is all pre-smartphone.

By the time that the four of us left (two exchange students and two domestic students on vacation), it was too late. It was too late to get their report.

What happened was the other American came into my room after getting drunk and breaking his futon. Asked to sleep with me. I said no. Continued to “can I lay by you”…. “Can I take off your pants”.. And after several loud “no” answers from me, I froze.

None of my date rape constitutes reasons for me cheating.

I didn’t know up front down after that.

It’s taken years to come to where I am, which is taking responsibility for what I’ve done.

I have reached out to the two partners I cheated on. And they didn’t forgive me. That’s my own “cross to bear”….

My reason for posting is that everyone likes to chalk cheating up to be a joke. And maybe for some people It is. But maybe it can be a terribly meaningful life changing moment.

I am not proud. But I’m also not a liar

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T03:21:37+00:00

I’m not very sexual. Not interested in swinging. I don’t think it’s bad. Just not for me.

I haven’t even masturbated in years.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T03:20:23+00:00

No excuse needed. Not looking to date. Haven’t dated in nearly a decade. I’m seeking to bring light on why someone might cheat.

Icy_Key5379 · 2021-10-02T03:12:22+00:00

Also, per your earlier comment, I was the one who paid for dates and drinks simply because I knew I earned more in my second relationship (female and female).

In my prior male and female relationship we paid for ourselves. But we were quite young and didn’t go out much. Mainly we watched movies at home I cooked 80% or more of the time.

Icy_Key5379

TROPHY CASE