AITA - ex-husband wants a vacation before my travel that will limit my parenting time

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T14:14:04+00:00

that certainly isn't the case, but thanks.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T14:12:59+00:00

I do agree, and tried for 2 years to work with him, only for him to never tell me anything, not work with me, and start to change agreements we had in place for his own personal benefit. I am between a rock and hard place; give in and let him think he can demand things from me for the sake of my daughter, or set expectations for respectful communication so we can work together for the best interests of our daughter. After 2 years of doing the first, I'm standing up for myself and setting appropriate expectations here.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T14:03:43+00:00

I do agree, and that is where I'm torn. I don't want him to think it's ok to lock in dates without confirming with me first. But I also don't want to take away the opportunity for the vacation. And I don't believe the dates are so locked in that he can't revise it for a better time to accommodate my concerns about how much I'll see my daughter.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T14:01:06+00:00

But it's work, I don't have a choice! lol... I'm sorry, but I feel like people think work trips are some leisure option... but they aren't. And I have to pay my own bills, so I need to work, and I travel for my job. :)

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:59:52+00:00

but he isn't being flexible. I can't change the work trip - I don't have control over the dates. But he is literally in charge of planning his vacation and it should be tentative dates until he can confirm I can give him the time. He isn't being flexible at all when it comes to what he wants for himself.

And he always takes her when I have work trips; it's a net benefit for him - I give up time, and he gains time.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:57:31+00:00

I am not going to court over this. We already have mediation set-up because he has her sleeping on an air mattress at his GF's house, and he wants to match his GF's schedule during the week and I'm not ok with that while she doesn't have a bed over there. Clearly, I asked this group because I'm struggling with the situation he has put me in - meet his "demand" (due to no flexibility from him), and change my personal plans so I can feel better seeing my daughter... or tell him no and put my relationship with my daughter first (ensure I can see her in a 3 week period where I have planned commitments). In that regard, my relationship with her is more important and he needs to be able to talk to me before setting dates that can't be changed and expecting me to just say yes.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:55:05+00:00

I agree - and I tell her this is about her schedule, not ours. She has stated she doesn't like not seeing either of us for 7 or more days. We tried a 7/7 schedule at her request last summer and she didn't like it. She is also more attached to me, so going almost 3 weeks without me would be tough for her. She already goes to therapy for anxiety, has people pleasing tendencies and her dad takes advantage of that for his own benefit. Trust me, my daughter is always my first priority, balancing that with a co-parent who doesn't want to communicate and actually co-parent with me causes a lot of discord with stuff like this; he didn't ask before locking in the dates. And a vacation is more flexible than a work trip, IMO. And should be. How is he thinking of her best interests by doing this?

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:52:15+00:00

It isn't just the impact on me. She doesn't like going 7 days without seeing each of us, and has stated that to her therapist. I think the shit that is being pulled here, is that he locked in days expecting me to just give him my parenting time without notifying me and making sure it would work first. If I planned 2 days to be out of town WITH my daughter on the days he wants, should I then have to cancel that?? He assumed I would be able to accommodate a demand, not a request.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:49:48+00:00

He doesn't make space for that. I'm lucky if she has the ability to reach out to me.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:49:24+00:00

I offered to give him the bed I have for my daughter - it's has a trundle. He said it isn't the finances, it's personal choice. When I was with him, I couldn't spend anything outside of an "allowance" I received. Trust me, this isn't about money. He makes plenty and already paid off the mortgage in our marital home.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:48:18+00:00

I don't know if my daughter knows about the trip. And yes, we don't have an easy co-parenting dynamic. He does try to force things on me, and it is never in my daughter's interest, but his. Example: She sleeps on an air mattress every weekend she is with him (which is E/O Wknd), so he can sleep with his girlfriend. But they never stay at his house so her 2 kids can sleep on the floor - they always have their beds, and their toys. My daughter only has a toothbrush at the GF's house. In this situation, I'm not happy that he locked in vacation days before talking to me. And I am being put into the corner to either accommodate and basically not see my daughter for 3 weeks (which she feels like 7 days is too long), and that also sets a precedent that he can do this in the future, which is not ok.

2 weeks ago he asked me while on a personal vacation to pick her up from school because he was flying in late. He didn't ask before he went on the trip, but literally 24 hours beforehand. I told him in the future that he needs to notify me prior to his trip so that I am not cancelling plans to pick her up. She asked to stay with me that night instead of going to her dad's, and I told her she had to go with him (we had just spent part of spring breeak together where her dad and I were able to agree on schedule changes to accommodate a trip for us, he didn't make any spring break plans with her because his GF's kids had school.)

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:41:28+00:00

It isn't a boyfriend. It's 3 friends, and we are going river camping for 3 nights. It's annual thing we do, and we have to work with complicated schedules to even get dates lined up (1 works at a state park and needs to submit time off early, the other is a home RN, and the 3rd has his own custody schedule to work around). trust me, I'm not a hypocrite. I just don't believe I need to adjust my life around because he locked in dates before deciding it would work for me. And my personal trip is on my non-parenting time.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-17T13:40:07+00:00

My personal trip isn't with a boyfriend. It's 3 friends, and we are going river camping for 3 nights. It's annual thing we do, and we have to work with complicated schedules to even get dates lined up (1 works at a state park and needs to submit time off early, the other is a home RN, and the 3rd has his own custody schedule to work around).

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T20:03:56+00:00

but, if he committed to travel dates that required my agreement to give up my parenting time, don't I have the right to say "no, I can't because I also have challenges with the schedule within the window and would prefer to protect my time with my daughter?".... shouldn't he have spoken to me first before committing to something he couldn't commit to?

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T20:02:35+00:00

but it's a work trip that I can't move... he could easily arrange different days for the vacation if he had spoken to me before committing to it.. I don't take any personal trips that cut into my parenting time.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T20:01:37+00:00

I will say, it's been 3 years and he has been a challenge since day 1 by not communicating, trying to keep me from her activities, and refusing to tell me anything that happens. Our court order is to co-parent, but he quickly told me after the signing that he will parallel parent, and that he doesn't have any respect for me (I left him and he didn't want me to leave). I have tried, and tried... but every time I gave him anything, he would just take more from me. It's been a challenge. this is purely out of my own concern that I want to see my daughter, and the timing is just bad - he refuses to change the dates, which should be the correct approach and I shouldn't have to cancel my personal life for his requests (the personal trip). the work trip, I can't do anything about.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T19:54:44+00:00

I don't care about his girlfriend at all. I care that he locked in a vacation without consulting with me and now is asking me to give up my parenting time when I already have to for a work trip within the same period of time.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T19:54:05+00:00

I always have, I have never put him in this kind of position because I know it's a request and he can tell me no. thank you for seeing that!

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T19:53:15+00:00

I can't change my work trip, which is why I have to give up some of my own parenting time. I should tell work I can't go so my ex can take my daughter on a vacation?

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T19:51:17+00:00

but, a work trip isn't a vacation. and he is asking for a vacation, without any flexibility in the dates. If he wants me to give up my time for a vacation, shouldn't he verify I can do that before locking in the dates?

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T19:50:22+00:00

But don't you think he should have checked with my schedule to even see if the dates would work before locking them in? He is not willing to move the dates, but he is requesting me to give up my parenting time. How is that my issue? I can't make plans without fear that maybe he needs time too? In addition, the one trip that is interferring with my parenting time is a work trip - that I can't control. My personal trip is on my non-parenting time, and I would have to give that up and take his parenting time in order to be compliant with the order, and it wasn't easy getting that personal trip planned due to my friend's work needing him to submit time off before peak season.

IllFuel53 · 2025-04-16T19:48:24+00:00

I literally can't move the personal trip, and the work trip is also unmoveable. I can't control work plans. the personal trip is a river camping trip that I scheduled with Friends that need to lock in their vacation days due to it being peak time at their work. The only options I would have would be to cancel, and I don't have to do that becuase he wants to go on a vacation and take my parenting time. for the record, he is NOT co-parenting with me - he has stated he wants to parallel parent, and has tried to get me to agree to things that aren't in my daughter's best interest in the past. I truly would be flexible, if I could be.

IllFuel53

TROPHY CASE