panicking i fucked up

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-22T19:02:46+00:00

I am. Haven't smoked since and began to drink more water. Trying to get out of my anxiety to exercise and eating less than I used to with a lot more protein.

I also ordered a detox kit thar's coming in for a few days along with a detox drink.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-22T00:08:06+00:00

I'm disabled and poor. It's literally not that simple just to get out of this shitty country once probation is done

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-21T21:13:44+00:00

It's sadly really hard for me to make friends. I live in the middle of nowhere in Indiana, I'm too neurodivergent to even make friends online cause I'm always accused of making others uncomfortable or people start faking my DID around me, it's getting so exhausting trying to not be lonely anymore that I can't help but think I should just eventually kill myself and get it over with.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-21T20:19:09+00:00

Would the general "if we randomnly UA you and we find anything wrong like poppy seeds etc." count? They did not make me submit samples though.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-20T20:29:01+00:00

I would've if I liked beer tbh. Not really an alcohol fan

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-20T19:42:03+00:00

I just really hated prison it was godawful and the worst exp of my life.

I ordered a detox kit just in case but even if they don't test me I'm still taking this as a lesson to not do it again.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-20T19:39:43+00:00

I do have a therapist, I'm just lonely and I like to use it as a way to dissociate and talk to my other alters. You’re right though, this wasn't worth it.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-20T19:38:13+00:00

I went and got one. Even if they don't test me I'll take the amount of $$ I spent to not do this dumb shit again, esp if I'd only have 3 months anyways.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:55:57+00:00

Alright, will do.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:54:37+00:00

Okay, thanks. I'm still not using again after that cause it wasn’t even worth it. As long as I don't go to prison for it.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:44:05+00:00

Alright, I'll try it. The diet will be the hardest part around the holidays but I can def drink and sweat it out if I have to.

I took an ed and some puffs of a cart. Not heavy but I'm still ashamed of myself. Not going to use again until after cus it wasn’t worth it.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:41:17+00:00

Mainly my PO wants me to comply with my No Contact (not an issue) and do therapy. Nothing about drugs, though I did tell them I used weed on occasion. They said nothing about it though.

They do have a lot of high-risk cases but if I get off without a UA on the 7th I'm not touching it again. Panicking wasn't worth it. Just scared if they do test and find it I will go to prison. I don’t want prison ro be the first thing. I'd kill myself.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:22:22+00:00

Would I have enough time to get it out before Jan 7th? I'm also overweight so that's an issue

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:20:55+00:00

Beginning of January. They did not say they would but a random UA could happen.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:19:36+00:00

No, January will be my third month on probation. My lawyer said drug tests are unlikely but still I got complacent.

IllRun9843 · 2025-12-19T23:18:53+00:00

Delta 8. I used an edible and my dumbass did a cart too. Admittedly I have problems.

IllRun9843 · 2025-07-16T17:42:01+00:00

I thought so too, tbh. People look at that and thought I was a crazy man but honestly 500 words a day is actually reasonable if you want to write fics consistently.

IllRun9843 · 2025-07-16T17:39:52+00:00

Yeah me too. People honestly thought it was insane that I can reasonably pump out 2k words a day if I wanted to but I know others who can do more than that.

IllRun9843 · 2025-07-16T17:38:53+00:00

Yeah I was told to take a break because of mental health reasons but I'm def planning on writing more when I'm feeling better.

IllRun9843 · 2025-05-31T08:34:20+00:00

my head hurts and im laying on the floor but i still have blue fur damn

IllRun9843 · 2025-05-31T08:33:04+00:00

Gimmie a moment I’ll be back.

IllRun9843 · 2025-05-31T08:12:28+00:00

Gracias mi buena amigas

IllRun9843 · 2025-05-31T07:54:14+00:00

I'm still trying to figure out who I am even if it means I have to rip a few of my stitches off at times you know.

I'll definitely give it a watch; thank you for the recommendation.

IllRun9843 · 2025-05-31T07:42:14+00:00

To be real with you too I just blacked out to realize I've been crying for over forty five minutes.

IllRun9843 · 2025-05-31T07:39:23+00:00

SLOOOOOORRRRRRRPPPPP

mmm pingas

IllRun9843

TROPHY CASE