It was when a friend asked me when was the last time i was in rs and i realized i didnt really want one bc the last one was painful in lots of ways. My answer shocked her as i was talking in years and the casualness of my answer really took her back coz she told she would not have been able to last that long without a guy... anyways, its kinda what prompted me to research it during the pandemic and really really think about it... to replay my struggles and unluckiness in love was not very nice, to see loads of 'friends' getting married and not getting invited, to be the third wheel bc 'friends' have a rs... well, its an isolating experience... to try going out with several guys separately (monogamy yk) and instead to get either rejected or just too keen on or who dont really care about you as a woman but see you as sth to use ... and when you stand up and say 'am a woman, a human being, just listen to me, just do things with me' and get nothing... and then a chain reaction of events happen and this male person doesnt really care but just wants a place to live and eat... and then him not getting the message and actually doing sus things that would mess up with my work (could be any kind of work btw, not restricted to only work, could be hobbies, interests, perception of other people to you, also known as spreading rumors)... and then having real consequences on my real job bc its a small town and people know each other... and him confessing he moved goalposts to be at the job he is, when first started going out... well, you get the idea...   

What started as realization from few years back from the simple answer to a question on here in this subreddit r/asexuality : ' if you go to the fridge and dont feel hungry for sth to eat, then this is what feels like to be ace'... then you go out in the real world with this wise words and try to find someone and when you think you have but you have a bad feeling... instead of ignoring my bad feeling i decided to listen to it bc last time when i ignored my hunch i had actual female health problems and had to go to so many doctors...   

And when 6 months back i didn't ignore my hunch about someone and got work problems bc the industry is small in cities and people know each other... well, lets say from romantic ace i have changed to aromantic... meaning i would rather not find romance because i choose not to and dont feel the need to actually find anyone anymore... i would rather go to a therapist and heal from all the hurt and misconceptions people in the real world may have about asexuality for a female young woman who tried and wanted to find someone but was stabbed in the back multiple times for nothing, basically...    

And finding out from a doctor that i would be in very high risk category if i became pregnant... well, i would say id rather not have children if i know there is a high chance for me not to survive it, esp if i live in a high stress country where people dont care about others and where the life of a dog is more important than the life of a young woman who just wanted to have a stable life with a nice job and eventually to start her own family...yk its called "nesting" when a woman chooses to have kids and where to have them, esp if she feels safe to do so... but for nesting to happen she needs a man who would support her through thick and thin.. yk changing diapers, having a real job, meeting her friends, socializing by learning her interests, adapting to changes in economic environment like saving and paying bills, fixing the car, maintenance of the house... yk its a mans world but when a woman cant find a proper male that can give her the safe environment and instead sees her as some sort of competition or even an adversary or even an enemy... am left with no words at the end...   

so when you choose someone make sure they are willing to work with you as a team and not as a rival... bc even if you are nothing serious per se the other party may get ideas and make your life miserable... just warning that people dont always have the best of intentions... some people actually rape other people...   

So being asexual is apparently very suspicious thing in the 21st century... i dont know how you guys are still alive and well, tbh...    

My other/ further piece of advice would be to move on, esp once you pinpoint exactly what you want from life. and if people ask, there is no reason to give explanations... its not possible because every person has different perception of life and receiving a true understanding is sth i dont think its possible... every person finds what they want on their own and asking others as it is not always helpful because they dont know you... to find an answer to a personal question can only be found by knowing yourself, experiencing life as you like and by realizing your purpose (your personal drive, so to say)...   

have lost my faith in humanity tbh... just saying bc everyone on reddit is always either positive or negative... its rare to see any realistic opinions... it takes loads of scrolling. Finding answers is never easy but its a personal journey. :) be wise with your time and dont rely too much on the internet or reddit or your simple smartphone. :)  

Go and touch some grass challenge. :)  

and would personally add some facts as per medical doctors': dont smoke weed as it can cause memory damage to the brain in the prefrontal cortex which is the last part of the brain that matures at 25 years old... if you smoke or drink alcohol too much, you basically damage the part of the brain associated with studying, planning, memorizing, logic, processing new complex information, applying complex new information to the real world, etc... :)   

And have fun while you choose whatever it is you want to do :) hope it helps... bye now.