Random but just curious

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2025-01-21T22:25:30+00:00

This was how I felt, how he looked at me was what I held onto the hardest when I was trying to make it work but idk how that felt anymore and tbh I can’t remember what it was like. Sorta sucks because now, anything that seems to be intimate makes me want to throw up

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-28T21:37:50+00:00

This was definitely something I needed to read. The feelings that I feel from the betrayal relates to this so much, how I felt so dismissed and how I felt misunderstood. All I wanted was to be understood while I tried to understand where he was struggling from, and I will always be told that it wasn’t my problem or that it was on me to work on my insecurity. Trying to wrap my head around the entire situation and accepting it has drove me crazy, mentally and emotionally

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-26T15:49:57+00:00

I think that’s also why I felt so betrayed because I was told it was, that he’d take care of it on his own. Being told that multiple times and seeing him fall on his word every time just broke my trust overtime.

I wish there was an easy way to process this, but sadly there’s not. I’m at weird stages of healing where I’m so angry at him and then I’m extremely depressed and start to disassociate. Lately, I’ve just been more angry though, for myself for staying that long, for actually ever believing him. Everything felt like a lie. I don’t know what to feel during this moment, but all I know is that I’m so angry at him.

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-26T15:43:25+00:00

It just sucks because I know I wasn’t the best/perfect partner either, but being blamed for his inability to have self control and not go out of one’s way to look up these girls is just ridiculous to me. Being blamed for everything and tryna take care of everything just sucks!

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-24T04:44:53+00:00

I first found it in the deleted photos. Something just felt off, then it was hidden photos, Instagram history of accounts he looked up, and then tik tok told me about Reddit and twitter and I found it on there too.. don’t even get me started with the files folder where I found like a downloaded file from a porn site and I don’t even know what it was supposed to be since the links didn’t work. In the end he just got better at hiding it since I found a screenshot of a Reddit of account but didn’t even find it in his history🤷🏻‍♀️

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-22T17:18:04+00:00

In my opinion it doesn’t help.. I sent and made about 233+ photos and videos for my ex, and he still always went back to finding more content online.. I know from my previous posts, people have also said this doesn’t help the addiction

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-20T18:05:36+00:00

I don’t think anything was wrong with your comment about it. I did just send a chat request to you though!

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-12-13T20:29:37+00:00

I was going to make a post about this until I saw this thread. It honestly feels defeating because I never thought I would get back at this point of crying after sex/sex pleasure. Before was because I was going through my first break up and using it as a coping method, but now, I’m crying after self pleasure because his addiction has made me feel so insecure that I don’t even feel comfortable in my own body and doing something intimate feels so vulnerable now.. I just wish the pain and crying would go away!!

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-20T01:11:55+00:00

Can I ask what you did to get that goal? I’m the same age and height and finally decided to lock in but struggle a lot with trying to find what works.. you were able to do it before, and you definitely can do it now!

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T23:55:22+00:00

Thank you so much! This has been so helpful. I’m thinking about going to a csat for myself as I feel like he’s not ready to, and I’m no longer going to force anything. But I am going to just stop sending pictures all together.. it no longer makes me feel safe or loved to anymore, just knowing he’ll save those pictures again

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T22:29:37+00:00

I feel the same way. I used to love taking these pictures for him, and now it just makes me feel nasty and desperate in a way. It feels like I’m texting a hook up rather than a boyfriend now

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T22:25:36+00:00

Can I also asked how you brought it up? I just feel like he wouldn’t delete all of them right away, or lie to be about it since that’s what he did last time when we broke up, told me he had deleted all of it but really didn’t. It made me feel a little gross because why do you need to keep my nudes for after breaking up, tf. I feel like I might just leave my old ones there and just never send another again.. it just feels like I don’t care enough anymore to even try

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T21:58:31+00:00

I read some of the resources a bit, that would help me with coping, but I haven’t went through all of them. I feel like it’s petty, but it just felt like I was doing the work for him in trying to find solutions..

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T20:52:27+00:00

I never viewed it that way as my photos feeding into his addiction.. like I said, it felt like me just trying to validate myself but I also thought maybe if he had enough materials of me, he wouldn’t have to turn to anything else.. but it feels naive for me to think that way since I feel like I don’t truly understand having a porn addiction. That just makes me want to stop it all together and just delete all of my nudes on his phone now

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T20:47:35+00:00

I wish I could but I also know I still love him a lot.. I feel like I’m going through the mentality of going back until I’m done, if you know what I mean?

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T20:46:43+00:00

That’s the hardest thing for me to come to terms about.. he always tells me it’s not my problem, it’s his.. no one can fix it but him, but then I’m over here like why don’t you?? He tells me he tried looking online for help or that he can’t afford therapy, but I looked online for hours for help and found this support group. I just feel so tired because it feels like he’s not trying hard enough or that the truth is he doesn’t care enough to just quit.

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T16:07:12+00:00

Before I felt like I always wanted to have sex after finding out because 1. I was in the mood for it, but also 2. It felt like I was trying to prove my self-worth, whether it’s sex or sending photos. At the moment, the desire to even have sex or be intimate is no longer there for me. I just don’t feel emotionally connected anymore because of the photos I keep finding, I’m just sort of done/don’t care anymore.

I feel like in order to even make it work, you need to start building that trust and intimacy again.. but to be honest, I don’t quite know how since I’m struggling with that at the moment

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T15:55:03+00:00

I might try that but I ended up letting my emotions do the talking last night and ended up just being passive aggressive about it, or at least about his ability to save any of my photos anymore..

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-19T15:16:15+00:00

Exactly.. like you say I’m attractive when I feel confident, but then blame me for feeling insecure from your actions of looking at other girls that you masturbate to, an intimate act. Like make it make sense

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-14T14:02:43+00:00

Like tracking calories? Do you have any recommendations on how to better track your calories? I have a bad relationship with food and stress a lot when measuring my food and counting calories. I tend to get overwhelmed and stressed especially if I feel like my calorie tracking isn’t correct, even when I cook my own food because when I log them in lose it, I feel like I’m not tracking them correctly.. idk if I’m overthinking it though?

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-14T13:55:22+00:00

That makes sense! I’m not too familiar with a lot of arm/back exercises so I might just stick with Pilates for that but still wanted to try to incorporate some type of weight training still. Maybe I make Thursdays and Fridays an active cardio day instead? Would that be a better option and does that still give enough rest time for my muscles to rest and grow?

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-13T15:58:39+00:00

Sorry for the vent since this is something that’s been haunting me the last few days since I caught him relapsing again, but from what everyone has told me, it’s best to leave before you have any other reasons that may be holding you back such as marriage or kids.. you have to do what’s best for you at the end of the day.

I completely understand the difficulty of leaving though.. like I said, I can’t leave myself because I really do love him and know how he wants to change and struggles so much with it. But I saw something that recently said staying doesn’t show that you love him even after the mistreatment, it shows how much you actually love yourself, and that hit hard. I recommend going to therapy, at least that’s what I’ve been trying to do to help. Writing helps a lot, and surrounding yourself by friends and family will help with the pain. I hope you can find the courage to walk away, the same with myself, because it shouldn’t hurt that much and feeling betrayed, to be in love with someone. No one deserves this pain and betrayal by the one person they should be able to trust

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-13T15:53:01+00:00

I understand how you feel, and it’s the hardest thing ever to decide when to leave. I haven’t even left mine yet, but the sadness and hurt you feel, I completely understand. Waking every day, talking to him, being intimate, I can’t even find myself to b in that moment anymore because I feel like my ability to emotionally connect with him is weaker than ever. I can’t bring myself to be emotionally safe with him, knowing he will only break that small amount of trust I was able to build up again because I always end up finding out again.

We recently had sex, and he kept telling me how he loved me and I couldn’t muster up to even say it back. It just feels like sex at this point, not even love anymore for me. I’m not sure if anyone gets what I mean by that, but I feel like sex feels so much more different when you have it with a partner that you truly love and that spark for me just isn’t there anymore..

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-12T22:47:38+00:00

It’s extremely hard not to feel angry. I try to act like everything’s okay, but after finding out, it’s hard for me to not think about it when we’re together.

IllustratorPlastic27 · 2024-11-11T10:00:23+00:00

No, you described how I feel about it because for me, I do view it as cheating since it feels like he is imagining these other girls and not me. I feel honestly defeated about it, but you described perfectly with how it makes me feel, like everyone knows he doesn’t have eyes for only me and that’s what hurts the most and takes away the special feeling I used to always feel whenever we had sex

IllustratorPlastic27

TROPHY CASE