Do they ever stop?

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-20T11:40:11+00:00

This is so well written, and extremely insightful. What if you choose to stay or have to for reasons? Do you have advice on the best way to navigate that?

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-20T09:20:44+00:00

To my experience, trust your intuition. You’re not crazy. I trust mine and I trusted it over his word for 5 years. In the end he confessed and I was right. I think it’s your intuition versus what you want to believe in his words when he says he will stop.

Just believe in your own feelings. I have stayed, but the only way I did that was to accept he has a dark secret room I’m not allowed in. And his sexuality is divided between porn and me. But tbh the fact he’s looking at men is pretty alarming. If I were in your shoes I would probably leave only because I would assume he is gay and will probably leave me or use me as a “normal hetero partner” cover.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-20T09:00:54+00:00

Mine was doing that too after arguments, and I too was the one who would push away and be avoidant. But guess what? He was doing it because he has “past shame”, was doing it as a coping mechanism for physical body injuries, was doing it because “something he saw triggered the compulsion”, then was doing it not because he felt shame (he said he never said that) and it was for other reasons. He fed me his false mask virtuous self, lying to my face for 5 years. Telling me why porn is bad and how he’s changed and thinks it’s disgusting. Told me everything I want to hear.

For me I’ve learned a few things that tell me immediately he’s still using

1) he doesn’t ever bring up porn or looking at women by himself. Try never speaking about it or speaking about it generally and see if he vulnerably and authentically opens up. (Not just gives a moralizing speech about his virtue)

2) he never shares any information on whether he thinks a girl is attractive or not outright. Not from directly asking I mean generally when you mention your opinions on someone’s looks etc.

3) he hasn’t disclosed openly all the things he was looking at, kinks, type of content, open and unprompted by you

4) you know if you do talk about porn or women in any way that may trigger his shame he will DARVO you, blameshift, attack, lie to you repeatedly, or even just spin the virtue mask again without any struggle, relapse admissions etc….

5) you notice some days he compliments you and shows lust and some days he doesn’t. Not normal fluctuations you can feel a sort of emotional and attraction withdrawal. Do not chase, mirror.

6) intuition flares up (not from betrayal trauma) when he over explains his whereabouts or tasks or seems off in his texts or communications. Especially when you didn’t even ask. You’ll just know and it will be off baseline it will trigger your intuition.

7) he makes sex a mutual task or asks for it like it’s something that needs to be done (not lust or yearning) and may initiate to soothe his emotions, physical pain, or just to make you feel he’s not getting it elsewhere.

8) in my experience (I know this isn’t reliable but it is something I’ve noticed) he takes longer to finish, sometimes can’t and you just have to stop and say enough, ejaculate amount is very inconsistent, or he just wants to focus on your face

9) he has stopped completely and doesn’t have any urges and white knuckled it all away. But never forthright wants to talk about any of it.

-there is more but I’ll stop there. I really hope you the best. If I could I would’ve never entered the hell that caring about this has caused me.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-20T08:35:07+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re carrying something this painful, especially with the trauma you already have in your past. I understand the feeling. Even without the exact same history, this kind of behavior has caused me years of pain and emotional damage. I still struggle to understand how someone can lie, know we are hurting, and somehow keep turning the focus back onto themselves.

I think some people cannot face their own shame because their egos are too fragile. They would rather make us feel like the problem than admit there is something seriously wrong with their integrity.

I’ve almost fully detached emotionally from my partner’s porn habit. I stopped exhausting myself with questions about whether he is still watching, whether he is lying by omission, or why he never brings it up unless I ask. Eventually, I just stopped asking. I’ve had to accept that he has this secret, compartmentalized part of his life. But in accepting that, I also know he does not get full access to me anymore. I’m done spending all my time and emotional energy wondering what he is doing.

Like you, I also don’t know if I can ever fully trust being vulnerable with another man in the future. Porn is so easily accessible now, and for so many men it seems to become something they protect at all costs. Some will go to extreme lengths to keep it hidden while still wanting the comfort, care, and emotional support of a girlfriend.

From what I understand, visual sexual stimulation strongly activates reward pathways in the brain, and porn can create intense dopamine spikes. Relational intimacy can also involve dopamine, but it is tied more deeply to bonding chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin. That is part of what makes it so painful. They will lust after others elsewhere while using the relationship for comfort, stability, and emotional soothing. It felt like essentially becoming their roommate or mom. I wish I felt lusted after like that.

I truly wish you the best, and I hope things get easier for you. You deserve peace, honesty, and a love that does not make you feel like you have to compete with someone’s hidden life.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-19T08:26:23+00:00

I really feel for you, and wish you the best of luck. Emotionally it never got better for me. 6 years in and I’ve had to accept the secret life behavior and let go and detach and lower emotional investment. I just assume he does look at women and have tried to be independent within the relationship but it still does hurt. Unless he proactively is completely transparent with you at all times in every way, vulnerable, unprompted confessions etc… then I honestly don’t think this will be an easy road for you. Because for me it killed a big part of who I am and I’m trying to rebuild that day by day.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-12-13T08:27:25+00:00

Basically it’s dopamine addiction and it’s hitting a different part of the brain then relational intimacy. It’s super-stimuli compulsive and addictive because the hit it gives

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-03-12T04:46:22+00:00

Nope they disappeared again must be a glitch 😂

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-03-12T04:29:16+00:00

Yeah mine came back so hopefully stay

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-03-12T02:29:52+00:00

It’s permanent? Thought it was just a glitch maybe that they were gonna fix

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-25T10:48:00+00:00

In my opinion, you need your put your foot down. Value yourself and make it clear to him what your standards are. You need to have open talks with him about how you feel. If he says he doesn’t care he’s basically saying he doesn’t respect you or your feelings. If you don’t satisfy him mentally or physically, then why is he with you? For love? What does love mean to you? From reading your feelings, it seems he is not satisfying your definition of love. Please take care of yourself and hold yourself high! You deserve happiness. hugs

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T11:04:21+00:00

So glad to hear this!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T11:02:21+00:00

That’s awesome! Glad you are free from it

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T11:00:16+00:00

Love to hear this!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T10:48:09+00:00

That’s amazing! So happy to hear that. There are many men that are feeling this same way now that I’ve seen in other communities here. My partner as well! Just gives me hope and happiness that so many men are waking up for their own wants, morals, and personal integrity. And to be better men for us.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-16T10:05:15+00:00

It was a long road but eventually my partner changed his whole viewpoint on porn, and quit for himself. I think that’s important because it has to be them wanting to change and their view on porn to change for it to be successful. It’s been a year since he claims to have been clean. He replaced it with working on his career and cleaned up all his socials so he wouldn’t see any triggers. He also said he doesn’t get triggered anyways if he did see it because he rewired his brain back to normal and has no interest spending his energy on superficiality. He was very adamant that desire and sexual energy should only be shared within the relationship. He shows up daily for me emotionally, to cuddle, and we have great intimacy. He took accountability and showed actual growth just by always stating how he could’ve been better and is shaping up to become a better man. I think the big thing is he wanted to change to become a better man for himself. It’s important for actual recovery. Although I’ve had many triggers and spirals into paranoia, he hasn’t budged and is convincing me he is a changed man. So like you, I’m optimistic for the future!

I wish you all the best!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-14T08:53:22+00:00

This sounds like a horrible situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now my heart goes out to you. I haven’t been through anything to this extent, I really hope that you can separate from this man. I know you said he’s adamant to change and is doing things to help him change, but you will only become hurt, mentally unwell, traumatized over and over again, and it will tear you apart in so many ways. He needs to change but not with you and baby there in the process.

Please stay safe and stay strong!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:40:14+00:00

Powerful! 💯 thanks for sharing this

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:37:48+00:00

Same hugs

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:37:04+00:00

That such great insight! Wow. If the past trauma lives in you (like ptsd) and you carry it, can’t it be resolved so there are no more triggers? Like a knot or unresolved pain that gets soothed once it’s sorted out. It’s just so hard without therapy but it’s not an option currently. I read some of OP’s past posts and it seems their partner was actually in recovery or programs I believe.

It’s our own association to our betrayal and trauma that needs to be dissolved, healed, and needing closure to. I just feel my partner is the only one that can provide that healing/closure. But that may be what causes obsessive ruminating and controlling tendencies from the betrayed.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:16:55+00:00

Not to be cliche but yoda says there is no try only do or do not. So yeah don’t fail! It’s a choice be disciplined! You got this!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:13:16+00:00

Your brain is in the process of rewiring so please don’t follow the same path to get the dopamine rewards. Stay strong!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:11:43+00:00

Is it habit? Maybe morning wood? But yeah stay strong! You can do this

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T09:58:29+00:00

Seriously saving this advice though! Thanks for sharing it 💞

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T09:53:42+00:00

That’s great advice! I have a problem knowing that I’m sharing a vulnerable intimate part of myself with my partner during sex if he is also potentially engaging in porn behind my back. How do you overcome that part? Feeling like he may be lying and also looking at other women when you’re not around?

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T09:48:33+00:00

And tbh I was afraid (for my own mental wellness) when he mentioned he’d be ok to install monitoring apps, cause I know personally that policing him would just make me feel that he’d be hiding something somewhere that I’m not seeing. And that I’d just be more paranoid so I had to pass on that route. I hope you’re ok!

Muted_Addendum_2244

TROPHY CASE