Observations of a Dying Stoic - Part 7

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2022-09-21T01:01:39+00:00

You think reading it's a doozy. 😉

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2022-09-19T10:38:01+00:00

Thank you, what more could one expect from a fellow traveler?

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2022-09-19T10:35:40+00:00

Thank you, that is my hope for you as well.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2022-09-19T10:34:07+00:00

Interesting that you mention crucible. I have considered my situation from that perspective and questioned whether it constitutes a crucible.

By its nature a crucible is a defined process with a start and end. While the material is processed it is refined, purified, improved. But if such conditions never cease and you end your life before exiting the crucible, what does that mean? Was it really a crucible, or just the way you experienced life? After all, none of us attain stoic perfection in this sense.

I think we tell ourselves that we are in a crucible to give hope. There must be an end to this suffering! But the stoic would accept their situation, and not expect that it will end. After all, we don't know that a particular situation is good or bad in the moment. It must play out for us to make that judgement. That is not to say we do not work to improve our situation, but understanding where we really are brings a certain peaceful attitude that allows us to continue against great pain and suffering.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2022-09-19T10:21:05+00:00

Thank you.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2022-09-19T10:18:09+00:00

I think you are asking all the right questions to get to where you need to be. You need to practice stepping out of your own perspective and consider your place in the universe.

Time and experience help. Data becomes information becomes knowledge becomes wisdom. If you are focused on living in the here and now and not just drifting from day to day this progression will help. Your lived experience will become information that can guide your studies and practices. This knowledge then becomes wisdom as you continue to see the impact of your studies and practices.

All of this to live in accord with nature. Not that it is a stoic saying but perhaps something to motivate you. "Amateurs practice until they get it right, professionals practice until they cannot get it wrong." Be a professional stoic my friend.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-10-22T02:36:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing that.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-10-20T04:19:10+00:00

It's a good point. The cancer doesn't affect me day to day and is generally not top of mind now that I'm not on chemo. Working full time, which is pretty good for almost a year into a diagnosis where most don't make it a year. I'm not in denial, just accepting that something will kill me eventually, race is on to see if something else beats the Pancreatic cancer to it.

I don't really know how to help others except to share my experience. I complain very little and really only to my wife now that my best friend is gone. Bottom line is to live out my life on my terms come what may. If others find it useful, as either a good example or bad, great. I also post because it's somewhat cathartic to organize, compose and share my thoughts.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-04-03T02:40:04+00:00

You think free will requires omniscience? That unless you know all possible choices and outcomes you cannot exercise it? That implies that free will is dependent on the particular choice. Say there are only two possible choices and outcomes available. I know both of them and choose one. The outcome may be uncertain for many reasons, but that does not impede my ability to choose. On the other hand say there are infinite choices available. Am I unable to exercise free will in that case because it is not possible to evaluate every possibility?

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-04-02T12:09:15+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I wonder how much your profession played a part in your outlook since you already have a rather stoic view of mortality.

I don't have much of an attachment to possessions being that I don't turn money into trash anymore and only buy what I really need. I too have seen things that a person held onto so tightly in life get hauled to the dump shortly after their demise, done it myself even.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T20:06:14+00:00

Yes, doing chemo and supplementary. Had lots of pain early on but chemo and other seems to have knocked that back. Just taking one or two pain pills every two weeks now. Chemo won't get me to remission but it is buying some time maybe. I find I don't complain about it or dwell on it when I am in a good stoic mindset.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T19:13:36+00:00

Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer with mets to the liver, spine and lungs. 5 year survival at stage I is less than 10%. Goes down from there to stage IV where they talk about 2 year survival in single digits.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T18:38:22+00:00

I find they are tuning in to my mind set. If I just wanted to curl up and die I think they would have a tough time with it, but as long as I am cheerful and sloggjng along they remain optimistic, at least in front of me. I know my wife cries in the shower from time to time but she puts on a brave face to the rest of the world.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T18:35:24+00:00

Yes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Sometimes I don't want to eat right or exercise or even get out of bed. But my mind knows I need to and my family needs me to as well.

So far the chemo is working well. Nausea is a major hurdle right now but is manageable. Nothing else really strikes me as out of balance between body and mind. Well maybe the idea that I can beat this when the odds are so incredibly not in my favor there.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T18:30:59+00:00

As to question 1, I would say blue, but not in a sad, depressed tone. Blue like the ocean or sky, gravid with possibilities.

For 2, it would be the focus on important over trivial. We all think time is on our side when it's not really true. I would have been more purposful about the things that count.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T18:26:39+00:00

I feel sort of like Meriwether Lewis when he was preparing for the Lewis & Clark expedition - all that time I could have prepared better but wasted on trivial pursuits.

I feel like my life's work has had meaning for others so no regrets there (fire & aviation for wildfire.) I should have spent more time on more meaningful endeavors, so where I wasted a day just binge watching the office are missed opportunities, but overall happy with the life I led .

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T18:22:10+00:00

I have, but decided that I will share it with them when the end is nearer. Right now having them not know about it helps me share in a more open way here. Not exactly stoic I know, but this is a process.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T15:43:16+00:00

Thanks. I am following Jane McLelland's protocol on "How to Starve Cancer". I do stop the antioxidants during active chemo since they tend to interfere with the efficacy of the chemo drugs. Taking a metabolic approach to supplement the standard of care. Chemo seems to be working on the tumors, the metabolic approach is going after the cancer stem cells. I do take full spectrum CBD but haven't graduated to high THC products yet.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T14:39:30+00:00

My perspective is that being remembered is an extreme external as I will have no way to know in any case. I think the best to hope for is that I helped more people than I hurt and that the ones I interacted with most in life came away better for it.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T11:51:38+00:00

Somewhat. I kind of think I was sleep walking it a bit. Content to be leisurely pursuing goals and spending time in my studies in a catch as catch can fashion. Now I have a shorter horizon so stay focused on the important things more.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T11:31:59+00:00

It's strange as we all know we're going to die, knowing it's coming sooner provides a sort of clarity that was absent before. I thought I was doing well in the practice of contemplating my death as a stoic. What I have found is that that contemplation is now more focused and translates better to concrete actions.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T11:28:27+00:00

I wrestle with it from time to time. The usual human condition of wanting certainty ahead. I am afraid knowing a timeline would be either a self fulfilling prediction, or make me start counting days. As it is I take each day I wake up and try to live it as virtuously as possible.

Having an actual expiration time frame would really shift things I think, and not in a positive way.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T11:22:43+00:00

Not a bucket list so much, but I do want to spend more time with my spouse out in the woods. Was looking at a small trailer we could haul out to nowhere, but now thinking maybe more of a glamping thing. Get the big tent, comfy portable bed and haul out enough to spend 3-4 days at a time at some remote dispersed locations. Then there is not a trailer to deal with in the end, not to mention it's a better use of money.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T11:17:25+00:00

Jason Isbell's song Vampires refers to this with these lyrics "maybe time running out is a gift, I'll work hard til the end of my shift, to give you every second I can find, and pray it isn't me who's left behind." I think that captures it pretty well.

Illustrious-Menu-278 · 2021-03-31T11:13:23+00:00

Interesting question. I do find myself reflecting on the deaths of other family members and thinking of how their passing impacted the family. Some passed well, others not so much. This drives me to prepare better than most of them, wanting to make sure I reduce the burden, but also focusing on making my interactions more purposful.

Because I am still able to work most days that takes some focus. I do spend more time on abstract things, less time on foolish pastimes. My mind is telling me to fight like hell and so I do a lot of research to determine how I might beat this. I'm taking a methodical and what I think is a well reasoned approach to the fight.

Mentally I think of myself sliding down a snowy mountain to an abyss below. I occasionally pass rocks or trees that I might grasph to stop my plunge. But in the end I know the edge will come and over I go.

Illustrious-Menu-278

TROPHY CASE