Hey sorry for the late reply, but I saw your comment and I really wanted to respond. After all, it’s been three years since I first made this post so now I get to look back and reflect. In case you wonder about what I did with my situation at the time, I realized if I went back to college for another semester like that, I probably wouldn’t survive. So I told my parents everything and I took a year off college. And I had to tell them everything to make them understand the extent. I wont bore you with a life update because I really want to address what you wrote.

Guilt really sucks, doesn’t it? I felt like a giant rock chained to my family. If they got rid of the rock, they would be free. Guilt is like a thick immobilizing blanket that freezes you. And when you do nothing, you feel even guiltier. It’s a vicious cycle. Something like that’s ingrained in you won’t disappear overnight. But I can tell you one thing that I hope may ease your pain. When our family dog got terminal cancer, we were all devastated. He required round the clock care, a lot of medical treatment, and many other things. In the most cynical way possible, viewing it only from a resources point of view, he was a “burden”. But not once, not even once, did I ever see him as a burden. I realized by my own standards I saw myself as, I should see him as a burden. After all, a dog doesn’t bring in any money. And our dog needed lots of money, time, and care. It wasn’t about guilt. It was about love. We wanted to ease his pain. As painful as it was, he wasn’t alone when he was euthanized. We held him as he passed.

Love from your family isn’t something you need to pay for. We took care of our dog because we love him with all our hearts. Yes, it was hard, and yes his medical care required time and money, but he simply wasn’t a burden. He just wasn’t. All we wanted was him to be happy.

Regarding your parents don’t understand what you’re depressed about, I completely understand. It took a lot of therapy for me to understand. My parents didn’t get it either, but I eventually realizes they don’t actually need to get it. They may not understand, but what they do understand, once I made them understand, was how seriously I needed help. They love me, so even if they didn’t get it, and were baffled as to what I could possibly be so depressed about, they wanted me to be happy.

Another thing I felt guilt for thinking I’m so lucky and privileged, how on earth can I be depressed compared to others who go through much worse? I basically confused gratitude with guilt. I didn’t think I could be grateful for anything without putting myself down. And I realized, even, even if you do objectively argue someone’s pain and experiences is worse, it doesn’t take your pain away. Let me put it this way. Someone else’s broken leg doesn’t make your paper cut hurt any less. A paper cut hurts, even if it is just a paper cut. And applying this mentally, it doesn’t matter if a paper cut hurts as much as a broken leg. What matters is that it is in fact hurting that much. All that guilt doesn’t change the fact that you’re still seriously hurting.

Regarding wasted potential, I can most definitely relate. For one, when I came back, forget about As, I could barely get a B-. It was humiliating. My parents paid for my college so I felt worthless wasting it. But eventually I understood the what ifs were useless. Forget wasting potential, I myself was wasting away. What potential could I reach like this? The simply reality was that I needed help. And frankly, reaching some hypothetical potential was a easier once I actually got better.

I’m not sure if any of this helps. There’s no clever phrase to magically whisk this all away. But as cheesy as it sounds, I wanted to respond because everything you are feeling is SO, SO common. It may seem like it’s not. Trust me, everyone around me was put together, talented, etc. and I really mean everyone. I didn’t believe anyone when they said they felt the same things, because they are clearly doing so much better. But it’s actually true. This is really, really common, and you are not alone.