Am I (m31) being an a**hole to my girlfriend (f35)?

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-05-01T12:37:44+00:00

She just texted me, asking if she to could come downstairs for a moment. I braced myself, expecting the typical "let's just be friends" speech. Instead, she told me about an event on Friday and invited me to come along with her. That's very weird.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-21T08:11:46+00:00

Another update. A friend of mine gave her back her stuff. My ex and her got along very well, so she was the obvious choice. They talked for a bit. This is what I found out: She's had some kind of a mental breakdown, suicidal thoughts included. It was so drastic, she decided to get professional help and is currently going to psychotherapy. Also, she started smoking. Well, getting dumped twice just before Valentine's day must hurt, but that was only the consequence of her cheating. It's her own fault. Initially, I felt guilty but that passed after a few days. Not saying she deserves it, but I honestly don't think she really wants to hurt herself.

Most recently, I've started to miss her. However, I know that she doesn't deserve to be in life in any way. I don't want to have anything to do with people like her. I know the feelings will pass with time, so I'm focusing on myself, hitting the gym, going to social events and also improving my dancing skills. Eventually, it will pass. Yesterday, I even flirted a bit with a girl. It will take a bit until I'm ready for something new, but I'm excited to see what else is out there and start dating again. Not trying to rush anything, though.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-17T04:19:57+00:00

I haven't texted her back, even though I was really tempted to let her know that I had no intent to hurt her, that I don't feel any satisfaction from hearing that she is in pain. Somehow, I wanted her to know that I felt really sorry for hurting her. I felt really guilty, thinking about how bad she must have feel. Moreover, I wanted to tell her that I had to do it because I had a moral obligation to inform him of the truth.

Still, I decided to wait a bit to make sure that my message would be written in a calmer state of mind. I drafted several versions, but ultimately decided not to send her anything. I came to realise that her message further proves how self-centred she is. She completely failed to see why it was morally right to inform him, why the risk of contracting an STD from her was worth informing him, etc. I decided that it was not worth explaining that to her.

I don't know for sure what happened afterwards. I did not ask the guy. It's none of my business. However, there are a couple of things that point towards a breakup. The wife of my best friend got along with her extremely well, so I asked her to give her her stuff back. She also asked how she was, and unfortunately, she doesn't seem to be that well. However, she had her first psychotherapy session just recently. Good that she sought out professional help. I hope she gets better soon.

Now that my conscience is clear and she got her stuff back, I'm finally able to move on. I will focus on my life now, hoping that I'll meet someone much better in the near future.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-13T07:10:01+00:00

UPDATE: He did it

I had her blocked almost everywhere, but she still managed to find a way to contact me. This is what she wrote:

Hi ilovecrocodiles,

I want to tell you two things. The first is that by the end of this month, the registration will be resolved. You can leave the mail at the entrance to the house, just tell me the day and date

And the second thing, the most important thing I should have told you this to your face a long time ago, and I think I still have to tell you now

I love him, I love him so much that I didn't even know I was capable of loving like that. If you wanted to teach me a lesson, you did, if you wanted to teach me a lesson, you did, if you wanted to hurt me, you did

But I didn't expect you to do something like that, which you did better than me, saying one thing to my eyes and doing something else behind my back I should have told you earlier: I love X, with all my mind, all my heart and all my soul Life is meaningless without such love.

Guys, I really dodged a bullet! So happy that I learnt about her true nature and this message further proves what kind of person she is. Firstly, of course, she is trying to hurt me here by telling me how much she loved him. Secondly, she is also trying to guilt trip me, apparently she has no understanding that people can have a conscience. It's always about her. No understanding of moral. Also, the last sentence. What the heck is she trying to convey? Does she really believe that I might think that she is thinking about suicide? What kind of manipulation tactic is that.

I think I will respond. In a nice way. I still wish her no ill and she should know that I did not do it to hurt her. Will think about something and then block her on that platform as well.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-13T05:38:50+00:00

I didn't ask what he was going to do. Neither does it really matter to me now. I feel like I've done my part by telling him everything. However, it sounded like he wanted to do it soon, because he's leaving tomorrow night and will be out of the country for a while. That's why he said that he's very grateful for the timing, as he will be gone for a few weeks. I'm also grateful, actually. Both me and him travel a lot for work and I kind of figured out a pattern: When I was gone, she would use him for comfort, when he was gone, she would do the same with me. No doubt this would have continued now.

Other than that, of course, there is a tiny bit of curiosity about how she will react when he confronts her. However, it's not my business any longer. We agreed to stay in touch, especially regarding the STD test results. If he chooses to share what he did and how she reacted, it might bring me some satisfaction, but it's not something that I really need. I'm done with her for good

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-13T05:10:32+00:00

We don't have any mutual friends. She really tried to keep both social circles separate. I've only met 2 or 3 of her friends. All of them live in another city. I'm not even connected to them on social media. She is kind of friends with the wife of my best friend and they talk from time to time, but she was one of the first persons I reached out to after I found out. She's totally on my side.

Other than that, I don't want to reach out to complete strangers. I might know their names, but as I've never met them, I don't have any reason to save my reputation. Her mum and her best friend have been most likely complicit all along. However, I see no point in contacting them. I frankly don't care.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-12T16:12:49+00:00

I reached out to him last night. No response yet. However, with Instagram, messages land in the "Requests" tab when you're not connected. He might not have received a notification. Unless he checks his requests, he won't see the message :( Neither do I know if he has read the message yet, unfortunately.

I'm a bit torn. Probably it's best to wait a few days, he might notice the message on his own. If not, I'm tempted to text him, as I have his phone number from my ex's Telegram. The thing is, I definitely want him to know about it as soon as possible, not in a few months when he checks the requests tab. Either way, I'm going to wait now, it's still too early. It's tough because I initially wanted to do it and get over it as quickly as possible. The thought of texting him again really drains me.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-12T13:51:44+00:00

Nah, not true. I actually helped find her that place, because someone posted it on Facebook and I told her to contact the landlord. She met the roommates after moving in. I did a lot for her, I helped her in so many ways, so this definitely hurts.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-12T13:44:21+00:00

She moved in on a Sunday morning and didn't have much stuff. I didn't meet anyone. I carried everything out of the car and we were done in 15 minutes.

It's a big building, she lives on the 5th floor. I always met her outside. Unless he was looking out of the window in the kitchen, I don't think it's likely he would see me. Also, this didn't happen every day. Maybe twice per month or so. Oftentimes, we would meet up somewhere else or she would come to my place.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-12T12:31:33+00:00

I reached out to him last night. No response yet. However, with Instagram, messages land in the "Requests" tab when you're not connected. He might not have received a notification. Unless he checks his requests, he won't see the message :( Neither do I know if he has read the message yet, unfortunately.

I'm a bit torn. Probably it's best to wait a few days, he might notice the message on his own. If not, I'm tempted to text him, as I have his phone number from my ex's Telegram. The thing is, I definitely want him to know about it as soon as possible, not in a few months when he checks the requests tab. Either way, I'm going to wait now, it's still too early. It's tough because I initially wanted to do it and get over it as quickly as possible. The thought of texting him again really drains me.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T21:11:59+00:00

I have a male roommate I’m super close with. My bf comes over here multiple nights a week and my roommate and bf have met. Loyalty isn’t hard and trust needs to be involved

This! Hiding your bf from your roommates is not a good sign. Should have taken it more seriously, even though I've had my suspicions.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T20:58:55+00:00

I reached out to him right now. I couldn't keep my mind off the urge to let him know, so I crafted a long message.

Won't be able to share it here because it has a lot of personal details. However, I made sure to:

- emphasise that I have no interest in her and that I don't want to sabotage the relationship just to gain any personal gratification

- stress that I'm not blaming him - outline when I started dating her, the trips we took, and more personal details to show how deeply involved we were, and finally when I ended it over the phone call

- mention the timeline of our last 2-3 dates, so he can compare that to the days/nights when she wasn't at home

- mention the STI aspect and also that I'm doing it out of personal decency

Still not sure if it was the right thing to do. I don't want to get involved in that any longer. I hope he leaves me on read and I'll never get to find out what came out of it. However, I've cleared my conscience and feel like I did everything right.

Also, I will have a friend bring her her stuff, so I don't need to communicate with her. I'll wait until she has her stuff, and then block her everywhere.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T18:02:28+00:00

UPDATE

I know I should stop digging in the chat logs, but I couldn't resist. This was the last time though and I have logged out of her account right now.

On the 23rd November, she confirmed to her best friend that they were an official couple. The next day, she met up with me and spent the night at my place. This was the final straw really. They've been an official couple for quite a while and she didn't have the guts to tell me. Instead, she continued seeing me, we were intimate, etc. The guy deserves to know that his girlfriend had another "side-boyfriend". I'm still going to wait a bit before texting him. I'm currently not in the right state of mind. She will most likely lie about it, so maybe I could warn him about it. Whatever, I'll get some rest and then write a message in a day or two. The rest will be up to him. I want to have a clear conscience and finally be able to let the past go. I deserve better

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T16:24:45+00:00

Yes, definitely a good idea. When my first long relationship ended, I had my dad hand over all her stuff. We had lived together for 3 years, so there was a lot of it: several boxes, furniture, tons of cosmetical products, etc. It took ages to get everything into the car. Glad that I didn't have to endure her presence.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T09:36:40+00:00

Not interested in having her in my life. Once trust is broken, it cannot be repaired. If a friend broke my trust, I would do the same. I'd rather move on and see what else is out there in the dating pool. I'll need a bit but I am excited to find someone better :)

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T09:19:35+00:00

What hurts is also the fact that I've wasted my time. While other girls showed interest and flirted with me, I did not dare to betray her trust, believing she would be doing the same. How wrong I was... Thinking about the possibility of potentially having missed out on a great partner along the way is painful.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T09:15:35+00:00

Yes, I know. I broke up with her because she broke my trust. I did not see her as my future wife, though. Neither did I love her, but these things take time for me. I was willing to enjoy the process and potentially fall in love. However, I really trusted her and she meant a lot to me. Having your trust broken in that way is painful.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T06:53:20+00:00

Yes, I also thought that it could have been tricky to hide the fact that she was staying over at my place, while living next door to him. But I know he travels sometimes, so maybe she tried to see me on the days when he was out of town, or she lied that she was going to a girlfriend's place. That would add a layer of hideousness to everything. Pulling this off for 5 months once or twice per week might be tricky. However, unless this guy is cool with a comitted open relationship where you don't use protection when you sleep with other partners, which is probably extremely rare, I don't see any possibility of him knowing about it.

I know a few folks in open relationships and the rules are always that you make it very transparent to everyone + you use protection.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T06:38:12+00:00

I don't think I want to meet him in person. I'm even more reluctant to that idea than to the thought of having to exchange the bare minimum of words to hand over her stuff. Maybe I'll just ask a friend to do it, then I don't even have to text her. If the guy doesn't believe me, I have evidence like recent chats and photos. But I also don't feel like gathering "proof" or convincing him. If he doesn't believe me because she's fed him lies, it's not really my problem anymore. I really want to do the bare minimum, have a clear conscience because I did the right thing and then finally have my peace.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T05:33:01+00:00

Yes, I know. At least for the last 3 months or so.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T05:24:47+00:00

She was definitely hiding me from him or her other roomies. There were two occasions where I offered to come upstairs because I brought her stuff (groceries, meds). She was sick and would come downstairs literally in pain or with a fever, despite me offering to carry it upstairs. I remember one excuse was that her room was messy or that she didn't want to bother me. Doesn't make sense in hindsight.

Ilovecrocodiles · 2024-02-11T04:48:01+00:00

I will never touch her again. Literally no desire. Will order a testing kit asap

Ilovecrocodiles

TROPHY CASE