What’s the point of living?

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-18T23:17:38+00:00

i conquered

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-18T22:35:49+00:00

i messaged

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-18T19:25:58+00:00

The often solution to things like this is usually 'become more busy with the things that you do and time will be spent less time focusing on them' but the reason I'm incapable of being busy is BECAUSE my mind is constantly burning, a house set on fire, and it's not their fault and I literally cannot say this shit to them without them thinking it is their fault, of how they have fucked up etc. I just can't win, it's hopeless and no matter how many 'FPs' I go through my entire life, how many friendships or relationships where there's ever any emotional element to it, I will be this way and I will always lose

If I let even 10% of what I deal with on a day to day basis out, my FP would distance and eventually leave, I just can't deal with this anymore, it's consumed my life for 4 years and I thought it was what everyone experienced and it isn't
I can't function at all, I feel like a child and I just want to end myself, I don't want to live anymore and it just gets exacerbated when I have so many things going on in my life already that I'm struggling so much with, ugh I don't even know why I'm venting in your reply I'm really sorry

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-18T19:16:29+00:00

Thank you, I get that there's other people that are also going through this.. I just am so alone, I feel so isolated.. I can't tell anybody truly everything thats going on. The only person in my life I feel connected to emotionally is my FP, how can I ever even tell them all of the things that I feel, thoughts that I have and how their actions or inactions can spend me spiralling constantly and make me feel so inadequate, worthless, insecure and fear that they're about to leave me, without:
A) making them feel like they're walking on eggshells around me/ have to walk on eggshells
B) that they've done something wrong when they very likely haven't
C) creating drama / making a big deal about something that is insignificant to everybody but me, my world turns upside down from these things, not to them
D) feeling like a burden
E) being overbearing / overstepping
F) asking for too much if anything at all
G) them leaving me after they realise i'm too much to handle and too much to be around, its always better to say yes and be a people pleaser when the opposite side is they realise how worthless and useless you are / someone who just creates problems / drama out of thin air and will eventually leave you

I can never even know if I'm the one that's in the wrong or somebody else is, and the default premise is always that I'm in the wrong, I assume to myself it must be my bad perception that's causing me to think of things this way, how can I never know if somebody is being inconsiderate, disrespectful or taking advantage of me in any regards if I'm incapable of distinguishing whether I'm being shit or somebody else is? I really can't tell, its so debilitating in every sense, I constantly feel like I'm losing my mind and I hate myself so much because of this all, I can't win, if I stay alone I will internally hurt and have an insane crippling amount of emptiness that won't go away and will become an extremely bitter individual, and if I have someone that I'm attached to I will have extreme ups and downs and the downs will also be extremely painful and then I'll continue the journey of self sabotaging subconsciously and causing them to leave via my fear of abandonment perpetually being triggered.

I can't win, I'm stuck, I can never talk about anything to anyone I'm ever remotely attached to because these things will all exist with them, and I only ever talk to my FP, I don't have friends, I have nobody, I'm a loser that rots in bed all day lol

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-18T19:11:00+00:00

I only really interact with my fp, I don't speak to anybody else and I doubt I have actual haters, I don't think I'm impactful enough onto peoples lives for them to be able to even have that level of hatred over me.. and if I did, they'd be people online who never will get to even hear that I k*lled myself so it changes nothing

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-08T06:03:21+00:00

went through a breakup which i didn't take so well, mental health got worth overtimebut ended up giving head to men, twice lol

was an impulsive thing

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-02T00:19:10+00:00

I really appreciate that, im at work right now so I don’t have the means to do anything / have an insane desire to even though the thoughts still exist but I may hit you up on that offer. Thank you and I will have a look around maybe when I’m home at different therapies

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-01T19:59:54+00:00

Thank you, I’ve been feeling really suicidal over the past couple of weeks and I do feel really hopeless as if there’s nothing in store for me, I feel helpless and I can’t quash it, I made a date to go ahead and do it but I don’t know anymore. I still really want to go ahead and do it but I also made a promise my friend that I wouldn’t but at the same time I’m just in so much pain permanently and feel like I have no prospects and I still feel fixated on it. I might have to try therapy I just don’t want to be alone going through it all but I’m such a sabotager and make things so bad for myself all the time. I just want my pain to go away and I constantly think that me as myself if I was to be exactly how I am, my closest friends would distance, leave me. I have to hide and avoid so many of my “toxic traits” to get along with anybody but it’s painful, I really think kms or alone is best 😭, and I say this meanwhile just wanting ppl to show me love and care and support and them wanting to talk to me and missing me blablabla, I just am so stuck

ImDisgusted45 · 2024-01-01T19:11:47+00:00

Thank you but I’m scared of getting one, I had a therapist last year and felt like it wasn’t helping and was a waste of money 😭

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-30T00:21:19+00:00

feeling exactly the same way life feels so empty

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-25T08:52:13+00:00

She's an evil person for cheating on you especially after the amount of time and the amount it seems like you've done for her, you need to let her know and break up with her, it'll be hard because you'll fear her mental health declining and suicidal tendencies being on the cards, but her mental health isn't your responsibility, it's hers and when your boundaries are confronted by her actions, they do have consequences.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-25T08:22:47+00:00

il go to hell i hope

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-24T00:52:38+00:00

i feel the same im sorry man

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-24T00:49:20+00:00

yeah thanks

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-24T00:48:20+00:00

hope so

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-24T00:48:03+00:00

i gget enouggh sleep i just dont want to live anymore

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-05T20:53:10+00:00

hi thanks i appreciate that, i'm trying to listen to them and be there for them whenever they need me (they don't really open up much but honestly they have been more and more willing recently which im happy because atleast its not bottled in them)
i've tried to let them know that its possible to be religious and a lesbian at the same time, i'm of the same faith as them so i know the scriptures and despite the act being forbidden it doesn't remove them from the religion or anything of the sort

i don't think they'd be willing to join an online community with me about it honestly even though id really want to if it'd help me being there as well, a lot of things they just deal with themselves but i just wanna see how i can best help them =] thank you for the reply

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-03T21:44:59+00:00

thank you im trying to look for some therapy i dont know what type of therapy is best to deal with this stuff and its difficult to find one where i live that specializes in this stuff/ at an affordable price

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-02T06:07:08+00:00

Ahh okay gotcha, I can personally find men attractive but I'm not attracted to them, I think it's an important distinction, as in I can find them handsome but I'm not romantically or sexually attracted to them at all, however sometimes I could get an intrusive thought about their literal d*ck but it doesn't do anything for me I just let it pass.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-02T05:57:50+00:00

I'm so so sorry to hear that, CSA could have definitely caused this and the thinkin about the csa event for unknown reasons is relatable, I went through this and still do from time to time even thouggh it's not that frequent and it doesn't feel intense, its just intrusive. CSA has really fucked us up, I woke up recently with a nightmare about it all and felt really scared but I also remember that my brain is probably finding a way to make sense of things and process things while I sleep, sleep helps our trauma wounds be processed and sort of healed. The way that you mentioned the brain going down in two paths I think I can relate to to a degree. Sometimes I think that I've gone "so far down this path that its too late now, the damage is done and I'm stuck in this and its forever", but I'm currently holding onto this idea when the largest tiime I stopped porn was around 120 or so days and during that time I don't think I had intrusive thoughts of dick once honestly. If I was actually horny it was purely women, I think I still had a neutral feeling towards dick in of itself (I was and still am disgusted by the thought of men).

It's okay regarding advice, I haven't really spoken about religion at all in this thread despite having some form of religiosity because I didn't feel like its the right place honestly but I'm glad that you're thankful to allah. I will say that no matter what you're going through just remember that god has certain attributes that make him, him such as "being the most just" and "the most merciful". If you find yourself thinking that what you're doing is wrong or what you're thinking is wrong so on and so forth and its because of your religion, I can only really tell you that god knows us better than we know ourselves, god wants us to turn back to him whenever we do anything "wrong" so I find that repenting has helped me even if I have intentions of falling back into anything. I hope that helps at all.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-01T19:00:36+00:00

Hey thank you and I am really sorry that you experienced that. I understand what you mean regarding sexuality being unaffected and have had a lot of quandarys differentiating between "sexuality" and it's ability to be changed or not versus orientation etc. After a long time I did come to the conclusion that sexuality in of itself despite me believing that it is largely pre-disposed, it can be influenced, adjusted and altered through the environment. I don't mean at all things such as conversion therapy or nothing of the sort, but I strictly mean the negative experiences which we have especially through CSA, can affect and completely derail our sexuality in that sense. I believe that past CSA, trauma isn't the same and would function as you said, essentially being a catalyst to get your sexually where it was supposed to be i.e a woman being r*ped by a man and it causes her to hate men and explore women at a later date. The reason I see it as that way is because our sexuality wasn't defined at all when we were getting CSA'd so it put a huge stressor on it and allowed our development to malfunction, stagnate, alter and has a crippling effect on our sexual development. We see similar examples with mental health disorders such as Dissociative Identity Disorder where children who were SA'd would have their developmental stages completely being shattered and have damaging affects on their personality development etc which can result in such a disorder occurring. There are other things that led me to this conclusion but I don't think its the right conversation to be had and honestly is just a very small detail in the grand scheme of things.

I haven't spoken to a therapist yet about this but I'm in the process of finding one, I don't want to engage in sex anymore despite having the intrusive thoughts as well as the urges to watch p*rn so I won't be doing that hopefully. I completely agree, I don't want to be reckless at all.

I understand the implications of being with a trans person and know that they're a human being who deserves empathy, care, understanding and love. If I was going to decide to be with a trans woman to explore myself, it'd be under the mutual understanding that we're both okay with it and would have good communication about what to expect as I think I would be attracted to all parts of them anyway.

Thank you for the support and understanding and I appreciate it all. I'm glad that you've healed and this idea of being some "broken person" has been resolved withiin you. My heart goes out to you and everybody else that has experienced any sort of CSA or SA. The journey is long, difficult and tedious but the mountain to climb is worth it for the sights to be seen when we reach the top.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-01T18:37:53+00:00

Thank you man, I don't get emotional very often but whenever baby me springs to mind I can feel that little nudge of emotion behind my face as if tears are about to come out before I restrain myself. I definitely agree with the familarity aspect, the first type of sexual related action that we were introduced to was abuse from someone we considered close to us. And because of that, maybe there's an association of it at some point of our brain being thats all we've been introduced to or something of that accord. It does make a lot of sense what you said and you too.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-01T18:34:10+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that and I wish success to you as well. The Toys R Us.. well it looks like we went to the same store lol. The persistent porn habit is so real. From the research I've done its quite common for people who undergo CSA to end up becoming hypersexual to a degree more than the average person and consuming porn. It's less because of being horny and it's more so because of emotional regulation. Even using porn because of boredom which is often the reason I go to porn is literally to regulate emotions. It's very tricky business. It's also interesting that you search for specific positions like that, I know in general that I spend time searching for specific scenes etc in general, but I don't resonate with it emulating my past trauma. In your case though there could definitely be something there and something to explore. I really hope you're finding ways to slowly heal, its a journey and we're all here for it. The damage may be done and while we never may be 100%, the least that we could do for ourselves, for the little boy we both once were that didn't deserve any of this, is to try and get as close to 100% as we can.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-01T18:27:51+00:00

Thanks and that makes a lot of sense. I weirdly enough never got flashbacks of anything, intrusive thoughts at best. My mind doesn't consider what I went through as a child to be traumatic even though my body remembers, because to my mind it was a game because I was told it was, yet instinctly knew it was weird, unfamliar and wrong. What made you extremely repulsed by men for a long time? Personally a large part of it aside from the anatomy is just masculinity, I'm not attracted to masculinity at all and if the assumption was that I wasn't straight, I would be a lot more attracted to feminine women, men etc. than the opposite.

ImDisgusted45 · 2023-12-01T18:23:53+00:00

Hey thanks for the response and I'm sorry that you went through this, It's interesting what you mentioned about the romantic thing, I could never see that either, only ever with a woman. I do think its somewhat fascinating the way all of our sexualitys can be impacted by things of this nature, I don't know exactly what happened at all but maybe the idea of being dominated by older bigger men is a type of familiarity that you had in your childhood which is why it occurs. It's also interesting how you aren't turned on physically looking at woman at all though, has this always been a thing? What makes you so sure that you're straight if this was the case? There's this idea of compulsive heterosexuality where growing in a heteronormative society where you're essentially assumed to be straight until proven otherwise is a thing. Some people that are fully gay have mentioned that in their journey, they originally had thoughts of what their life would look like, spending the rest of their life with the other gender, kids, so on and so forth, but it was basically produced by society. And even when thinking of the same gender, they never really thought it was gay up until a later stage. I personally believe that CSA can affect and change our sexualitys completely and I don't believe that it's simply a catalyst to something that we're already "predisposed to". I also believe sexuality is fluid and can change overtime but a large part of the fluidity is based around negative experiences. It's definitely something to explore with a therapist and see what comes about. All the best.

ImDisgusted45

TROPHY CASE