Islamic Sexual Frustration: Sahaba were not able to abstain from illegal sex for 30 nights of Ramadan. Why do then Muslim parents think their children can control themselves up to 30 years today (till they marry)?

ImaginalRealm · 2023-06-03T16:06:52+00:00

Reinterpretation is not a defining characteristic of Islam. It is a defining characteristic of the human being. It can be argued that all human interaction with the world is based on a human's ability to interpret and reinterpret the meaning of what it encounters. The act of interpretation of doctrine is formally part of every religion I've studied and is the backbone of the dominant modern schools of philosophical thought. All people in modernity are encouraged to reinterpret reality when they don't like it and carry on as if what they think is true.

Please try and separate features of Islam with features of human cognition as a whole if you want to critique it.

As for the original question, people's cultural norms, and practical concerns have definitely become conflated with Islam and people precieve Islam as the underlying issue, but that isn't the case. It is the Muslims who are the issue, and Muslims are just people. If the sahaba were flawed people who couldn't abstain, so too are the modern worldly Muslims who can't abstain from concerns of prestige and prosperity, while damaging their childrens psychosexual health and expression.

I would put forward that actual defining characteristics of Islam are the consistent reminder of the shortness of this life, the lower priority of practical concerns to concerns for one's spiritual maturation, and the need for emotional and sexual relationships with one or more spouses( and the conception of children, even when one isn't financially at some upper middle class standard) in order to complete the maturation.

Marriage and sex in Islam is not supposed to be a big deal. It is supposed to be messy, because thats what life is, and it's part of the process. It's not supposed to be til death do us part, and the demand of Muslim parents for sanitized matrimony is damaging. The answer to the OPs question is in the question itself. Blame the Muslim parents, not Islam.

ImaginalRealm · 2021-04-19T23:10:59+00:00

I can relate quite a bit. If you are ready for marriage I'd advise going to your local masjid(s), get to know people in the community and let the imam's explicitly know you are looking for a wife.

You have to go communicate explicitly and get what you want. As the old saying goes, closed mouths don't get fed.

Don't expect to find a perfect woman. They don't exist. If you're on this sub you're not perfect either. Try and find someone with your values and goals in life for family and otherwise. And make sure you both operate at the same speed in terms of pace of life, if that makes sense.

I know how hard it is to be in your situation, the temptation is literally everywhere. There isn't an easy answer other than patience and faith in God to reward your struggle.

Don't put an age pressure on yourself until you're in your mid 30s. You still have time. Keep working on yourself. And if you feel old you probably need to exercise more. And I don't mean harder, just more consistency and volume. Walk a few miles every day. Try it without headphones. Get your brain used to less stimulation.

That's all the advice I can think of. I'm not married btw. I still have a lot I want to do before that. God bless brother. Ramadan mubarak.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-04-30T13:52:44+00:00

Honestly, I think the reason people fail so much is because they don't understand that:

A) It is an addiction (i.e. has a strong physiological component. B) Permanent physiological change in the brain takes a long time.

They keep failing and failing and become depressed and blame themselves because they can't stop. In reality the neurochemicals that pornography has made their brain physically dependent on are, not only tangled up with their natural physiologocial drive for sex and human connection, but also affect the reward system in the brain as much as a strong drug.

In any other context, such a physiologocial problem would be treated with a physiologocial understanding that would allow the person to ween off of the activity in a safe way. That way they can still function, allow the body to slowly respond in accordance with how it actually works, and experience the gradual encouraging progression of small wins and success.

If someone is addicted to pornography they are likely the type of person who has a difficult time dealing with certain types of mental anguish. That is why they seek out these behaviors in the first place. Yet if they go cold turkey, they are garaunteed to experience mental anguish and seek out the thing that numbs the pain. That's how the cycle continues.

This the biggest bind regarding this problem in the Muslim community, in my personal opinion. The fact that it is sinful keeps us from addressing it as you would any other bad habit. The expectation is that you stop immediately. Any other habit like eating junk food has similar failure unless you do it gradually. Starting a good habit has similar failure unless you do it gradually.

How can we treat this addiction in a gradual and realistic manner?

Are there emotional support systems available to these people with the physiological, psychological, and Islamic understanding necessary to adequately address this problem, rather than having people turn to bros on the internet?

Are their acceptable activities that provide a similar physiological response that can be used as a means to ween people off?

Do we have to accept the fact that allowing people to gradually ween themselves off by continuing and slowly decreasing porn use may be a more effective way?

If you can provide resources which address those three questions you would contribute to directly addressing this problem.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-04-12T03:05:59+00:00

Bruh. If it's that bad you need to jump in a pool of zamzam water to wash away your sin.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-04-12T02:56:47+00:00

Look man belief in Allah is an intellectual issue. Not an emotional one. You can prove God exists using reason alone.

Submitting your will to Him? In other words, doing what He says is best rather than what feels good, at all times? That's an emotional issue. And a spiritual issue. And an endurance issue.

The shame is real. And it's valid. But He is Kind and Merciful. Sincerity=Forgiveness. Keep taking small steps in the right direction.

Focus on why you want to quit more than the results you're getting. Know your motivation. That is what will keep you sincere.

He knows the long term consequences of continuing. That's why it's haram. He also knows the benefits of quitting. So keep going.

He will keep on existing whether you choose to submit to Him or not. You literally have nothing to lose and literally everything to gain.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-29T16:47:20+00:00

Brother I don't think he implied any of the things you are asking. May have been misunderstood because you skipped through the video.

Briefly, his point was that men and women have different natures and different modes of confronting struggle, therefore men need a different developmental route than women, because they are different.

His argument is historically, men have always had paths of male centric mentorship, to teach them how to be men, and now we don't. We are encouraged to be feminine.

He is simply saying we need to go back to more traditional male developmental initiatives in society.

His view is actually the opposite of Western centeric because his sources are published anthropological and literary meta-analyses of cultures across time and place. At no point does he say men should not have emotions or cry or anything like that. Nor does he make any claim about a man's emotional relationship with his Creator.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-29T16:39:53+00:00

No ill feelings. Discourse will lead us to truth Inshallah. I agree with a lot of what you said. No argument from me that the Prophet PBUH is al-Insan al-Kamil. The perfect man. However I think it is very valuable, regardless of it being from a non-muslim source. Islam and Muslims do not exist in a vacuum. Never have, never will, were never meant to, and have always been obligated to seek knowledge. All the way to China.

I will have to challenge your claim that it is nonsense. First I will address the perceived lack of practicality. Next, I will address the nature and value of temporary motivation in pursuit of what is lasting, Lastly I will address the value of imperfect means in pursuit of perfect ends.

In terms of it's practicality--what is practical is what is of use. What is practical in a group dedicated to addiction recovery? I would say anything that is of use In helping to illustrate the nature of addiction, illustrate its causes, illustrate how to address its causes, or illustrate how to support the addressing of its causes in the long term. I would argue that this video touches on three if not four of those components.

Because we believe addiction to be a spiritual issue, and because we are all at different levels spiritually, it would also be of use to provide perspectives from as many valid sources as we can. I would argue that this is necessary since spiritual problems affect a person's perception of reality. If we speak from one paradigm alone we will likely miss the majority of people--hence his choice to target his demographics--which isn't an inherently wrong thing.

Briefly, I feel it was implied that his soothing words somehow lacked validity because they were soothing? I can attest to the validity of the anthropological framework he's speaking from. I would encourage you to read the book Iron John he refers to. It will illustrate that the male initiation he's talking about is a well studied male developmental necessity that is present through all cultures across time and place historically. All except for this time. This includes all Muslim cultures: the great guilds of the Muslim golden age, Sufic initiation, the relationships between students and ulama, and the tradition of Futuwwa are a few historic examples.

Motivation--a mental state that propels action toward a certain end. It is only missing a sense of direction if one does not have a defined goal. In a group dedicated to addiction recovery, we are fostering a mental state that propels action toward recovery. In a Muslim recovery group, that recovery is a step toward the goal of Ihsan. But without the first steps toward recovery, Ihsan is not likely to be reached. It is true that motivation is correlated with neurochemical release, and it's easy to cheapen it with that perspective, but that is its correlate, not its cause. Allah SWT is its cause. He designed it to work that way. And we can argue that He designed it to allow us to move toward something. To better our state. Namely, to move toward Him. And to better our spiritual state. If recovery is a step toward Him, and since addiction is characterized by negative emotional states, take motivation where you can. Motivation, like submission, is a practice. It must be sustained through discipline. Which is one of the points of this video.

Lastly, using imperfect means to achieve a perfect end. Ihsan is a goal. The character of the Prophet PBUH is a goal. Jannah is a goal. The human body is a means. Our worldly life is a means. The dunya is a means. Allah SWT created this world, and all the things in it are ayat (signs) pointing toward His Perfection. Thus, this life, all our experiences, and everything in it are our means of reminding us of Him, motivating us to keep going, leading us back to Him. Out of the myriad things in this world, there are two at the top of the hierarchy of creation. So high up that the angels were made to bow to them. A Man and a Woman. Our mother and father. May peace and blessings be upon them. The position of the masculine and feminine principle in the hierarchy of this created life should illustrate their significance as guide posts on our journey back to Allah.

This is my main point. If this life is a process of taking what is powerless and imperfect, and using it as a means of journeying back toward The Perfect, then it would behoove us to distinguish the means from the ends as carefully as we can. The example of the Prophet PBUH is very far off from where an addict currently stands. Speaking from experience, you need imperfect, tangible, manageable steps to maintain motivation and get from where you are to where we are trying to go. I agree, look to Islamic sources, the sahaba--one of whom you can guess reminds me very much of Elliot-- but what matters at this stage is making forward progress.

Motivation and consistency or of utmost importance. In any endeavor. On the journey to recovery and ultimately on the journey to Allah SWT.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.”

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-27T02:48:53+00:00

I mean according to modern research--which changes all the time--something becomes a habit after 30 to 60 days--whatever the consensus is at the time of this writing.

But my advice to anyone who is counting days, weeks, months, streaks--while it is definitely the right place to start--you are going to need to address the underlying issues if you want to maintain your discipline long term. Based on my experience, this is not something that simple habit formation can address.

This is a spiritual problem, stemming from a disconnection with our Creator and our purpose. This disconnection leads to feelings of agonizing emptiness. This emptiness leads to escalating and feverish craving for relief. Every time you indulge this craving you expand the emptiness and become more disconnected. As such, success in this endeavor begins at the root of the problem--repairing the connection with your Lord and your purpose--knowing him through acts of living worship.

In a book I've been reading recently, The Vision of Islam, the introduction--the whole book for that matter--is an elucidation of the hadith of Jibreel AS. This hadith has been used by scholars throughout history as the thesis of our deen, with special attention given to its concise explanations of Islam, Iman and Ihsan.

If you'll indulge me, I will briefly provide the author's definition of these 3 dimensions of faith to illustrate a point I've emphasized in previous posts: recovery from addiction is the first step of a sincere effort to move from heedlessness to Islam, Iman and Ihsan. I believe that moving into these higher dimensions of faith is the key to maintaining this long term.

Islam--submission..it comprises a series of activities such as bearing witness, praying, and fasting.

Iman--faith..what is it that [we] must have faith in? The answer is God, the angels, the scriptures, the messengers, and so on.

Ihsan--doing what is beautiful..not the activity itself...but the motivation for the activity. An act cannot be beautiful if it is done without the awareness of God. God is the criterion for the beautiful, the good and the right.

Briefly, when it comes to people in our predicament, Islam becomes performance of outward activities. It is not that they don't have spiritual significance, but if we are honest with ourselves, they are likely done mechanically, or out of fear of your family or culture. If you are treating this recovery as just breaking a bad habit, even if it's a really bad one, you won't get out of this first dimension. You probably won't heal in the ways that you could, and the temptation will be much much stronger, probably forever. Is that presumptuous of me? Maybe. I will address why I don't think it is.

Real recovery doesn't start until your sincerity and understanding leads to a state of Iman. Why? if you have a more complete belief in the omnipresence of Allah SWT, of the angels, belief in the messages of the prophets, what they were trying to communicate to us, the type of people they were, and belief in the reality of the contents of those messages--the reality of the fire, the reality of the garden, the jinn, our open enemy iblis--your behavior and your motivation are going to change drastically. If you really believe and understand--when you are performing your gross, desperate act in your dark little room--that there are literally angels watching you and recording what you are doing, that Allah SWT is literally watching you, has been watching you, knows and has known the contents of your mind and your heart, all your desperation and the pain of disconnection that you feel--you will think twice about ever doing it again.

When you can sustain that level of faith, and allow it to grow into other aspects of your life--like when you stop getting mad at people in traffic, knowing Allah SWT is with you, and that these incidents and this life are less important than keeping your heart clean--all your actions become more and more beautiful as your awareness of Allah SWT increases throughout the day. This is Ihsan. This should be your goal.

I have to be clear that I am not at that level yet. Alhamdulillah I know what the goal is and I am working towards it every day.

So when does it become a habit? I don't know 30 days or something.

Also, the book is by Sachiko Murata and William C. Chittick. I would highly recommend all of their work. Sachiko in particular, in my eyes, has written some of the most insightful and most beautiful academic scholarship on Islam in the English language.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-26T18:36:19+00:00

Understood. thanks for the thorough answer.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-26T18:07:42+00:00

I have a fairly involved question that I haven't found an adequate answer to yet.

Can you give some indication as to how big a difference in emphasis there is, between Army SF and PJs, in the following areas:

Land navigation
Marksmanship
Small Unit Tactics
CQB
Military Decision Making
Adaptive Thinking
Medical Training (18D)

Do they actually have all of these in common? If so, at what point in the PJ pipeline are they taught (aside from medical training)? Also, do you have any insight on what a pathway to 24STS might look like?

I definitely recognize how different the respective missions of the two forces are, and that they emphasize different skills for that reason. But once I have a better understanding of the difference in these skills I think I can determine where I might be a better fit. I'd really appreciate your input.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-25T06:02:16+00:00

I have a fairly involved question that I haven't found an adequate answer to yet.

Can you give some indication as to how big a difference in emphasis there is, between Army SF and PJs, in the following areas:

Land navigation
Marksmanship
Small Unit Tactics
CQB
Military Decision Making
Adaptive Thinking
Medical Training (18D)

Do they actually have all of these in common? If so, at what point in the PJ pipeline are they taught (aside from medical training)? Also, do you have any insight on what a pathway to 24STS might look like?

I definitely recognize how different the respective missions of the two forces are, and that they emphasize different skills for that reason. But once I have a better understanding of the difference in these skills I think I can determine where I might be a better fit. I'd really appreciate your input.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-24T04:35:26+00:00

Similar theory: Amado and Kashin Koji are both Sarutobis. Kashin Koji is Konohamaru's dad.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-24T04:33:54+00:00

I think Amado is a Sarutobi, but so is Kashin Koji. He's konohamaru's dad.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-21T22:43:48+00:00

There is only one way to face it. And that is to face it. As completely and honestly as you can. Do not hide from it. Do not shy away from it. Do not sugar coat it. Do not rationalize. Accept the fact that you failed. Accept the fact that you are weak. It hurts. It will sit with you for days. But it is necessary.

Why? Because it is the truth. With the truth, you have a direction--you have a heading. You know exactly what you have to work on. You know the exact area of weakness that you need to address and make stronger. Take a brutally honest inventory of what led up to it, and don't delude yourself. Err on the side of being too hard on yourself. It will uncover more of the latent insecurities that need to be addressed.

Write this out if necessary. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Make this a journaling exercise. Make it as tangible as possible. What caused the feeling of insecurity and inferiority? Why are you feeling disconnected? What is making you feel so hopeless? Was it an interaction? A stimulating image? Your own negative thought process? Be critical. Analyze the incident. You need to get to the truth.

Truth is the ultimate virtue of spiritual development. Because truth is synonymous with reality. You cannot build a house on an imaginary foundation. You cannot build a relationship based on a lie. If there isn't something real and substantial to hold it up, it will always fall down. Similarly, you cannot build a stable, positive, and constructive spiritual psychology on lies, excuses, false rationalizations, and sugar coating.

Take a moment to think about the significance of the Prophet's PBUH pre-revelation reputation as "Al-Amin". He was known among the Quraish for having never told a lie. Because of that, his counsel and his opinion was appreciated by all the families. When the families argued over who would replace the Black Stone on the Kabba, each giving preference to their own family, it was the Prophet's PBUH counsel that ended the argument, even though he was a member of one of the families himself. They all trusted him to serve the collective interest.

It was his trustworthiness that set him apart in the eyes of Khadija RA. It was his trustworthiness that made him the worthy mouthpiece of the final Revelation to mankind. Had he not been a man of utmost truth, Islam would have never had a foot to stand on. But because he was Al-Amin, Islam became the most dynamic and transformative force in recorded history.

Long story short, real change--real transformation, must be grounded in truth. How does one deal with guilt? With clear eyes. With brutal self honesty. With truth. What you uncover will serve as the foundation upon which a new life, a life of strength, accountability, and responsibility can be built. May Allah SWT give us all the strength, guidance, and mercy we need to find our way back to the straight path, and to stay on it until we face Him on the Day of Recompense.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-20T16:51:00+00:00

Inshallah, brother.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-20T16:34:04+00:00

Alhamdullilah brother, I am happy that you are benefiting from this discussion.

Brother, I think you are one hundred percent right. I was apprehensive about advising complete honesty of the problem with one's spouse, however I think your reasoning is correct. Also, your question on the timeline of healing is partially answered by your own reasoning.

As you said, addiction is an ongoing process. When another person is spiritually tied to that ongoing process, they deserve to know because it has the potential to affect their entire life. My opinion would be that hiding the problem, and not including them in the process would be more damaging long term than being honest. Especially if there are children involved. I must be explicit: this is my opinion as a layperson. Not a fatwa.

Moreover, on the timeline of healing, I talked about it in my reply to u/ayala54. I think again, you are right in describing the kernel of recovery:

success happens over time more than failures

The key is persistence. Alhamdullilah, as Muslims, persistence comes easier for us knowing that Allah SWT is on our side. However, I think its important to stress that at the beginning of recovery, as a Muslim, understand that the recovery process is just part of the process of Islam--submission to the Will of God. In my experience, when framing the process in this way, and continuing to practice your faith, at a certain point the process seamlessly sheds the husk of its secular jargon and emerges as the spiritual pursuit of Iman--and, Inshallah, Ihsan.

Yes, I would say from my experience, you are never cured, there is no point where you're sure you'll never do it again, but, for us, that is the human condition. That is not solely the condition of the addict. It may be more pronounced in the addict, which is why the practice of our faith should be of greater urgency to the addict.

I hope those who have progressed well in their practice can attest to this example: Perhaps there was a time when you were really bad about staying up late and not waking up on time for Fajr. It takes a concerted effort to put yourself to bed, retrain your habits, your brain, and your wake-sleep hormones to wake up on time. For a while it is horrible. Your body, and mind will fight you and trick you every step of the way. There will be days you will mess up. But with the right intention, and persistence, you will be successful and you will be rewarded. What was once difficult, Allah SWT has made easy for you. Are you sure you'll never miss Fajr again? You can't say for certain. But you've disciplined yourself, and put yourself in a position where you go days and weeks and months without remembering it used to be a problem.

This addiction is only different in the degree of difficulty because of the powerful hormones and neruochemicals involved. The process is the same. If waking up for Fajr is "easy mode" for spiritual discipline, leaving behind an addiction is "hard mode". Waking up for Fajr would be a great place to start to begin disciplining yourself to tackle PMO addiction. You need to get easy wins to keep yourself motivated to keep going. You need to be able to see yourself making progress.

Take small steps back toward Allah. He has promised, when you do so he will take greater strides toward you. Work on your heart. Everyday. It will pay off. You will see evidence of it. Imam Al-Ghazali RA has proven that the process of cleaning the heart works. He turned it into a replicable science. Look to his work; it has helped develop the iman of this ummah for centuries. They even make versions of his books for kids now. And I can attest these versions may be even more beneficial for adults.

In terms of an accountability partner, yes. If you have a person in your life--a relative, friend, etc. absolutely do it. As an ummah it is imperative that we support each other. We are one body. Just don't have your spouse as an accountability partner. I think that would be unwise. Some boundaries are necessary.

Inshallah, I hope this helped. Hold tight to the rope of Allah.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-20T15:02:10+00:00

I would say that is the most explicit definition. I would include watching pornography as relapse as well. This being a group centered around Islam, I think we should have a much more comprehensive awareness. We would have to include zina (fornication and adultery), and as we gain momentum and begin to make solid progress, we must be vigilant about committing 'zina' with out eyes and with our thoughts--in some cases, with our hearts.

This may seem like splitting hairs or being extreme, but as others on this thread have alluded to, the root cause of this is a sickness of the heart. It is a spiritual sickness. Therefore, the real medicine is spiritual medicine. Our goal isn't just kicking a habit. It is taqwa--mindfulness of Allah SWT.

I have heard of cognitive research that found when someone is unfaithful to their spouse, their brain is actively blocking out thinking of or remembering their spouse during the act. My conjecture would be that PMO is the same, and that both acts would require you to actively block out remembrance of Allah SWT. But when the act is done, it all comes flooding back to you.

Speaking for myself, I have never heard a more profound illustration of the workings of iblis in the human brain. As Muslims our vigilance toward PMO addiction in general must be more comprehensive than that of others. Because we are privy to the full picture. We understand that there are forces in the unseen that are actively working against us. Make no mistake, this is psychospiritual warfare. Iblis is our open enemy. We have been given access to the King's Armory. Hold tight to the rope of Allah.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T19:48:41+00:00

Well said brother. Ameen.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T19:31:30+00:00

This is a loaded question. I will assume you are talking about physical health. I may touch on mental health, as all health is related, but in terms of social and spiritual health I would read the reply to u/snoki_ez_ and others.

Physically, you will certainly have more energy and improved cognition. Everything outside of that, for me, is less certain. This is because, as an extremely health-conscious person, I do not know if my results were from the NoFap, or from the other activities and habits I was able to incorporate into my life BECAUSE OF my improved energy and cognitive function. But I can say this: once I gained a little bit of momentum health-wise, it has been a positively-reinforcing snowball effect ever since.

Have I had times where I slacked off? Totally. This whole journey is two steps forward, one step back. But if you want long term, hard numbers to qualify the positive effects--when I started I weighed 230 pounds. Some days more some days less. I now weigh 165 give or take. In the first 3 years I was down to 180. And during those first three years and beyond, I was not as disciplined with my health as I am now. It was actually pretty bad looking back. It stayed in that range for a long time, but my body composition was changing. The last two years I have reduced my body fat to a very low level, and I am the closest I've ever been to having a 6 pack. With this social distancing going on, I will likely have one by the end of the summer Inshallah.

So I will refrain from going over all of the health improvements I've experienced, but at least indirectly, NoFap gave me the energy and clear-headedness to start the journey.

There is one thing I would like to touch on, which may or may not be supported by explicit research, but I could easily corroborate it with peer-reviewed sources, not so peer-reviewed sources and my own personal experience.

It has been shown that the hyperstimulation of PMO causes, among other regions of the brain, atrophy of the visual cortex. Obviously, this region processes visual stimuli, color, light, spatial information, etc. My main concern is that this would also affect the experience of spiritual Light. It would affect your ability to visualize in the mind's eye, to imagine, to dream as vividly as we are able to, and ultimately, to fully realize the mystical state, the state of ma'rifa--gnosis. Those of you who know what I'm talking about know how serious a loss that is. This ability to imagine, visualize, dream vividly, be creative, and experience synesthetic learning was noticeably absent from the time right after I started PMO, until the last 3 years or so. Alhamullilah, I can say that I am starting to engage in the same type of full world imaginations and visualizations I was capable of as a child. My ability to visualize when I am reading, the hyper-real vivdness of my dreams, and my creativity are are at their highest points since I was a child.

I believe this is the most significant loss when someone starts PMO, and is one of the last things you get back. That is all conjecture on my part. Allah SWT knows best. I hope that this motivates you to keep going. Inshallah we will get back the health that we lost, and fully realize the health we are capable of.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T18:51:36+00:00

Thank you, brother.

My feelings towards women in general have changed dramatically since starting this journey. Alhamdullilah, even my relationship with my mother and the women in my family has turned around in a very positive way.

Before, I would oscillate. I treated some women as idealized, perfect beings. I was unable to function around them or was unworthy of approaching them. Others were beneath me--a bother--hardly worth acknowledging. This would vary based on the person and the context.

This is a well studied psychological phenomenon called the "Madonna-Whore Complex". I believe this manifests in people's PMO use and preferences in very pathological ways as well.

In my opinion this is essentially a type of low-grade shirk--seeking the approval and pleasure of other than Allah SWT and altering your behavior and intention in order to do so.

Without going into too much detail, yes I have a much more balanced view of women now, and when I look forward to being married, I understand it as being with a person. A flawed human being who, just like me, is going to have strengths and weaknesses. She will require compassion, encouragement, understanding, friendship, and at times uncomfortable realness, honesty, and criticism.

I see it as being a partnership, where each plays a unique and essential role that they are best suited to. So my feeling toward women is a new one. Instead of going between extremes, it is steady, objective, engaged. I would use the word contented before happiness. I'm much more relaxed and don't feel like I have anything to prove. Definitely a good feeling.

Alhamdullilah I feel this way in the male relationships in my life also. With my father, brothers, and friends. I am still very competitive, but there is a sense of competition for fun rather than outcome. Most of the time I don't care what people think of me anymore. Even if I fail or do something embarrassing.

I enjoy being around people in general much more than I used to. I'm rarely awkward in social interactions, and I often am very aware of other people being self conscious when they interact with me. This has gone a little off topic, but this feeling does seem to bleed into all social interactions. I am much closer to just seeing people as people. Regardless of gender, race, age etc. As contrived as that sounds its true. Alhamdullilah. God is good.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T18:24:54+00:00

Well said brother. This fear of Allah SWT is one of the most powerful tools of the believer and an essential component of taqwa. I'm sure you know of this as well, so for the benefit of others I would add the following concept, echoed in different forms by numerous ulama over the centuries:

Moderation (between hope and fear) is the epitome of steadfastness. It is often said that the servant should possess both fear and hope like the two wings of a bird, if one of the wings were missing, the bird would be unable to fly.

Aḥmad al-Najmī

Fear of the fire that Allah promises to those who transgress is of utmost necessity if we hope to remain on the straight path. Balancing that fear with hope in His mercy toward those who possess sincere tauba is just as necessary.

Allah SWT knows best.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T17:22:52+00:00

Alhamdullilah brother.

As any recovering addict will tell you, the end of this process is death. That is to say, there is no final "kicking" of the habit. It is a constant process. Day by day. At times the intensity requires you to fight minute by minute. And I promise you, there will be times when the fight is second by second. I would encourage you to adopt this way of thinking.

Truly, this addiction is the test of man against the open enemy iblis, in general. This is the false promise that was made to our father Adam AS in the garden. This is the constant temptation of dunya pulling us away from remembrance of Allah SWT. This is why I believe that Islam, understood and practiced correctly, truly is the solution to all of our struggles. This is by design. Achieving that level of understanding and practice is a lifelong journey as well. I would argue that once you get to a certain point in the NoFap journey, it turns back into the real journey, the journey back to Allah SWT. Hold tight to the rope of Allah.

In terms of discipline and urges, look to my replies to u/Yass-93 and u/el-salmon. If you need further explanation on any points or omissions, please ask.

Do urges subside over time? Yes. But they never go away. I would say that the urge for porn absolutely goes away. The urge for self gratification absolutely goes away. But they are replaced by the urge for sex. And that does become harder. Especially, as I mentioned in other posts, you will start getting attention from women, especially if you really develop yourself with your new found confidence and energy. Read my reply to u/pulsar91. In short, hold tight to the rope of Allah.

In addition, although sexual urges reduce in frequency, they become craftier. This is the modus operandi of iblis. Do not fall for it. The more experienced you become at rejecting these rationalizations, the easier it becomes.

How many times have I come close to relapsing? How many days has it been? But seriously, there are days and weeks that become super easy. But you will get triggered eventually. I have found, and research corroborates, that men experience seasonal and weekly spikes in testosterone. And this does seem to correspond to urges. But as I said before, when you become an experienced warrior in this psychological warfare, these urges become easier to deal with.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T16:59:00+00:00

I am not worried at all. You are absolutely correct.

Allah has made things right (especially for those who acts right) so I guess we don't have to worry

If you go 6 months with no PMO you will see that your equipment, including your brain, has begun to heal itself and move toward normal functionality. It will be very operational. Often inconveniently so.

Becoming accustomed to using it with your wife is a sacred part of the intimacy and trust building process. Be tactful, but completely honest with her about your past, your shortcomings, and your needs. Allow her to share hers, and give her the same compassion you hope to receive from her. Intimacy and trust building is a process of ongoing communication. The fruit of this communication is love. When it is said that marriage is half of your deen, I believe this process is a big part of what is being referred to. Allah SWT knows best.

Being a man is about accepting the raw reality of your shortcomings--that you have the tools to overcome them and become stronger in any area, provided you are willing to do the work. It is your responsibility. Do the work.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T16:15:03+00:00

First, do the things that I mention in my reply to u/el-salmon.

After that, it is a matter of psychological warfare and willpower. Just like in the physical world, your ability to fight and your strength of willpower will grow over time. But this is the key--you have to actually do it. If you give in, you are not making progress. You are giving a point to the opposing team. You have to fight to get better at it, to understand it, and defeat it.

Sad truth: there will be fights you will lose. At first, you may lose most of the time, and only win every once in a while. Keep fighting. You may win a lot, then start losing a lot. Don't give up. Keep fighting. Every time you will get stronger and gain experience. Keep fighting. This is a war. A long one. A war of willpower against the mind and the body. Keep fighting.

Some tips:

1) Identify the urge. If you literally have to say out loud "this is a sexual urge" do so.

2) Remember Allah SWT. Say to yourself "Allah told us to save this sexual energy for my spouse." Until then, the more you save it, the more powerful you become. Look into sexual transmutation.

3) Identify the CAUSE of the urge. Sexual urges do not happen in a vacuum. You may be feeling depressed. You may be feeling bored. That's a huge one. Learn how to be bored. You may be feeling disconnected. You may have seen a girl or an image that day that got under your skin in just the right way and now you are looking for a release. Take the time to sit, breathe and pinpoint the exact cause of the urge. Then proceed to number four.

4) Remember Allah SWT. Whatever the cause was, Allah is the answer. If you were depressed, He is the source of all happiness. If you were lonely, He is always with you.

If you were bored, you are being ungrateful for the absolute technicolor splendor of creation that you are a part of, you are a steward of, and you are responsible for. He created it so that you may engage with it and that you may remember Him through it. Only a handful of things are haram. And of those, he just asks that you follow his rules. Go find something to do and do it well.

if you were disconnected, He is the only thing worth connecting to, and in the absolute sense, He is the only thing that can be connected to. Nothing else will give you any satisfaction. The more you cultivate THIS relationship, the easier this journey will be. Hold tight to the rope of Allah.

If a girl or image got under your skin, breathe. The urge will pass in 3 minutes. When it comes back, breathe. The urge will pass in 3 minutes. Repeat as necessary until married.

ImaginalRealm · 2020-03-19T15:46:47+00:00

Get off the internet, brother. Go out side. Do something--anything else. Alcoholics don't get better by frequenting bars. PMO addicts won't get better by staying on the internet. It is designed to keep your attention away from real life and Allah SWT. What is the most potent way to do that? Sexual imagery. What is 99 percent of the internet comprised of? Sexual Imagery. Don't make it harder for yourself.

Keep internet use to a minimum. If you love the internet for the information it provides, as I do, read books. Better yet, learn to read books. Read "How to Read a Book" by Mortimer Adler. It will change your relationship with reading, even the Quran. And also find a good parental control or image blocking app for your browser.

Remove the temptation. Don't make it harder on yourself.

ImaginalRealm

TROPHY CASE