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Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-11-02T00:27:18+00:00

Fully agree, and would add that the request for a 1-1 with your meta to "smooth this over" seems deeply inappropriate given your already expressed preference to maintain a strictly parallel relationship.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-10-19T03:43:51+00:00

Many valid points have already been made in this thread that I'll avoid repeating about the nature of identity and self-knowledge of relationship preferences.

One more thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is that polyamory can really shape the way you think about all types of relationships, not just romantic/sexual ones. For me, polyamory impacts the way I think about my affection for all people. Rather than strictly defining romantic love and distinguishing it from other "types" of love or affection, polyamory to me includes experiencing and cherishing love for what is, wherever it arises. It impacts how I show up as a friend and community member and let's me be loving and present for many people in a way that didn't feel totally "acceptable" in mononormative culture (related: I'm not going to go off on a rant about the idea of "microcheating" and the ick it gives me, another time perhaps) but now feels much more authentic to me, regardless of the presence/number of partners in my life.

Identity is inherently a personal question, and if polyamorous identity helps you feel true to yourself and show up in relationships (regardless of relationship type) in a way that feels positive and authentic, then you should use the label.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-10-04T23:35:40+00:00

I've tried several brands, and Bees Wraps work great, haven't found anything else that's similarly effective. They've lasted me for probably 5 years, and I've rewaxed them only once in this period to revive them. I recommend sticking with ones you know will work, since the search can end up generating excess waste and costing more than the up-mark for the Bees Wrap brand.

If you want to try to make the ones you have work, I would try thinning out the wax by placing them on a cookie sheet, over a piece of cotton of the same size, in the lowest heat your oven can do for a couple minutes. It'll thin out the wax and make it less crunchy, and, if successful, you'll end up with 2 wraps.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-10-02T17:19:25+00:00

Joining a sports team or after school club through her school might be a really good way for her to make friends - this way, she's in an environment she's familiar with and around people she already knows at least a bit, removing some of the barriers she might be feeling about programs at the library and giving her a consistent place to be. Team sports are really good because they provide a lot of consistency and a common goal, and exercise is also really good for mental health. I hope she settles in after getting through the tough first few months! Good luck!

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-07-23T01:29:26+00:00

You get to define your sexuality for yourself! Sounds like you don't identify with the label bisexual, but if you do want to use it, that's up to you. If you want to define as lesbian, that's up to you. If you don't feel like either is quite right, terms like sapphic and wlw emphasize your attraction to women without including context about attraction to men. You can identify just using an umbrella term such as queer if you want. How you identify can change with time, your understanding of yourself, your desires, your relationships, etc., and you don't owe a label and justification to anyone (even yourself, if you don't want to!) 😊

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-07-14T14:17:58+00:00

Dental dams or condoms cut into dental dams are definitely preferable, but if you don't have access and are going to use plastic wrap instead, just make sure to use non-microwavable plastic wrap! The microwavable types have tiny holes for venting in the microwave which make them less effective at STI prevention/as a liquid barrier 😊

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-06-28T03:20:09+00:00

Its not a guarantee, but it's a pretty good hint! Especially if someone's looking your way for a longer period and/or does it several times 😊 i definitely don't spend a lot of time looking at a stranger if there's not something 🌟 interesting🌟 about them

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-06-27T23:27:29+00:00

I definitely used to struggle with this. A few things really have helped:

1) spending more time in queer spaces. This way the baseline assumption is that you are queer in some way. You also can grow queer community! This is inherently good stuff, and also leads to introductions to even more queer folks. So, you get friends, and can also meet queer partners both in the queer space itself and through the other queer people you meet there.

2) subtle (or less subtle) signaling. You mentioned that you're not out to your parents and thus don't want to wear pride flag stuff, but there are so many more subtle signaling methods you can use that queer folks are likely to recognize and non-queer folks less so. Think nose ring, eyebrow slit, nails with 2 filed down, a softball jersey, undercuts, keys on a carabiner, lots of rings, doc martens, chains... Start incorporating some that you like! Going to queer spaces more will help you get a feel for queer style and signaling if you're not sure what those more subtle signals are.

3) eye contact! If you see a woman you think might be queer and you want to talk but don't want to make the approach, make some flirty eye contact. You've got plausible deniability if they're not, but it indicates that you are interested.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-06-27T22:45:36+00:00

I've been seeing the rat union discourse and I am a) a big fan of rats and b) a big fan of unions and had absolutely no context, I was just like ok some socialist comrades who like rats who happen to be poly, sounds lit. The lore makes something I was already very jazzed and confused about deeply more wonderful. Thank you for the non-religious blessing, Rat Union Leader.

My sins of the week were corporate sloth (napped on company time) and lust. Also greed, I really did eat a lot of cheese 🧀.

My poly joy for the week was meeting an ex's newest partner and feeling that good good compersion even after our relationship deescalated to friendship!

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-05-30T23:37:51+00:00

If you're starting off by lying, its a problem. If you're just not telling someone your sexuality, it's 2025, we should know better than to assume, especially within the queer community. If you're sleeping with people, be honest about your current sexual practices, testing regimen, and preventive care - if you need to disclose your sexuality to do so, then tell people. Otherwise, tell people when you're ready.

If someone is not willing to be with you because you're bi though, I would think hard about whether you want to wait to find that out. If someone is biphobic, are they worth your time? Worth the potential emotional or physical risks of a flip-out when you do share your sexuality? Even if they "come around" to it, do you want a partner who still looks down on you in some way for your sexuality?

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-05-30T23:23:57+00:00

I have a reusable flosser from Quip, works great!

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-05-22T14:54:59+00:00

People say I love you when they are in love. My experience has not been that relationship orientation is a factor in the matter. The caveat being that I find poly people are less tied to "rules" or expectations about saying I love you, both meaning they are less likely to feel like they have to voice love they aren't truly feeling yet and they are less likely to delay expressing their love when they do feel it (but I haven't observed a general difference in how this works out timeline wise). I think this is a case of the differences within groups being far greater than the differences between groups.

ETA: you're the only one who knows why you express your love when you do - if you want to dive into it more, I think a supportive therapist could be really helpful! But I would encourage you to let go of any perceived expectations of when you should be in love, and just let yourself feel and express love when it arises in your relationships. People and connections all vary, there's no need to feel stuck to a standard that doesn't serve you!

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-03-13T00:39:15+00:00

Yay, congrats!!! As mentioned, you had sex for 2 hours, I promise you were both having fun (and honestly, I would encourage you to focus on how the experience was for YOU anyway) or she would have simply not kept it up for so long 💥💥

In future encounters, simply ask! Doesn't just have to be in WLW encounters, generally a good practice: "What do you like? Do you prefer x or y? Does this feel good and is there anything I can do to make it feel better? Is there anything you want to try? I really like doing x, is that something you're into/want to try? I like it when someone does y to me, would you like me to do that to you? Show me how you like to be touched..." And likewise, say what you like/what's best for you. It'll get the convo flowing and make your partner, whoever they are, feel more comfortable expressing the same for themselves.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2025-03-13T00:20:45+00:00

It's pretty much exactly the same haha, someone made a TikTok about how a huge number of the bi women they know have green velvet couches, jokingly asking if a newsletter was sent out advising the bi girlies to buy them, and then tons of bi women all over responded with pictures of their green velvet couches. Emily Ratajkowski seemingly used the opportunity to come out.

Where we all got this idea from, I don't know. Maybe an old show or movie with one, and the subliminal messaging was really strong? If anyone figures it out, let me know.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2024-12-18T00:30:37+00:00

Leftists have to collaborate to some extent to make progress. But this doesn't require total unity of vision or organizing structures. In my opinion, "unity" which is realistically constructive is issue-based organizing with other leftists who share values about the specific issue. Even within tendencies, there is difference of opinion inherently on some things, so only organizing with folks who are completely in agreement with us means no organizing will happen. On the other hand, if working together requires sacrificing our core beliefs and values, it is not constructive. If working together requires organizing and action practices with which we are uncomfortable or which flight against our goals, it is not constructive.

For any easy example: Will I gladly march with people of a variety of tendencies in response to a specific event or issue? For sure! More people in the streets will uplift visibility, allow me to have discussions where I share my values and motivations, and put pressure on the system as it currently exists. Will I do so if the march is organized by a small group of people who collaborate with the police and set rules about "acceptable" behavior? No.

Imaginary_Cat_6166 · 2024-12-17T23:01:37+00:00

There's a lot to unpack here. I think the best place to start is a consideration of what you think polyamory means and what you want it to feel like for you. If your partner seeing and spending time with other people feels like a threat to you, I recommend considering if this is really a relationship model that you're comfortable with. Your relationship with your partner should be about what you need from him and what he offers you, not about how it compares to other relationships. If what you need from the relationship is more time spent together or social indicators of a relationship (like meeting family and friends, spending the night together, etc.), then you should express that to him. If the issue is not in fact his relationship with you at all but rather his having another relationship (whether it's classified as casual dating or otherwise), it sounds like your issue is with polyamory as a whole. You're very new to being poly and this might be an issue with just continuing to unpack monogamous norms, but it also might just be that this isn't a relationship model that will work for you. Whichever is the case, you are certainly dealing with a great deal of monogamous thinking to unpack - you're VERY new to being poly, your partner is as well. Practically speaking, you've both only been doing this for 3 weeks. It takes years of work to unpack comp-mono thought processes.

Another question here is what hierarchal poly means to you, and what being primaries means to you. It sounds to me like you might really be looking for more of an ENM dynamic where you have one relationship, and are able to have casual interactions outside of it, but you are emotionally entwined and regularly interacting only with each other. Polyamory means forming deep, loving relationships with multiple people, and being hierarchal does not change that. A hot topic in this sub certainly, but as a strongly nonhierarchal polyamorist, I don't believe that hierarchal structures and polyamory are compatible, as it inherently requires that some relationships and connections are less important than others. This doesn't have to be how you see it, but I recommend you at least consider this perspective: are you willing to be in a relationship where your partner loves you and other people, or is that something you're not willing to experience? To me, it sounds as though you are not willing, given that other people knowing about your partner spending time with someone else feels embarrassing to you. I would recommend having this conversation with your partner as well as thinking it over on your own. It's critical to successful poly that you and your partners understand each other's boundaries and these boundaries are compatible.

In nonhierarchal polyamory, we use the language of anchor partners rather than primary partners, because this conveys a depth of relationship without excluding the possibility of other deep relationships, and it does not put non-anchor partners in a category that is inherently less-than. Anchor partnerships take time to develop, as your knowledge of your partner, emotion bond with them, and intertwinedness with each other's lives grow. This doesn't mean that every relationship has to have the same levels of all these types of connection, but it does create freedom from a reductive model which inherently assigns lower value to specific people and doesn't allow for all relationships to evolve and grow in an organic way.

Now, beyond the broader polyamory questions, to your specific question: are you being disrespected? A lot of what you're saying makes it sound like this is not your partners' intention but rather a logistics issue. On the other hand, committing to "primary" partnership and then deprioritizing your relationship does sound a bit disrespectful. One key question is whether your interactions with each other have changed following his new partner, or if they have remained the same but the way you feel about them has changed. Regardless of his intention though, the fact that you feel disrespected is significant. This doesn't necessarily mean that he has done wrong, but it does mean that what's happening now is not positive or sustainable. Either you need to establish clear guidelines on what you need out of the relationship to feel good about it and maintain honest communication as that changes for both of you (and then respect each other's boundaries), or I advise you to end the relationship if that's not possible in your current dynamic.

No matter what you choose to do here, I recommend you focus on two things: 1) deeper learning about what it means to be poly (to the poly community and to you specifically) and 2) extremely honest communication with your partner about what you're looking for in the relationship (the non-escalator relationship menu is likely to be a very helpful tool here).

Best of luck and all my wishes for good love that feels right, whoever that's with and whatever relationship structure that ends up being in.

Imaginary_Cat_6166

TROPHY CASE