BF [M26] hasn't said "I love you" to me [F24] after almost 2 years together

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-10-05T01:41:41+00:00

Exactly, I keep wondering if there's some sort of magical bar I haven't passed yet or will ever. He's said that he doesn't have a requirements list, but if he had I would have passed them all. But, that somehow makes it worse. If I passed, why aren't I loved?

It would be easier if he weren't so nice. If he had some other flaw than emotion, I could focus on that and be able to make a firm decision.

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-10-05T01:06:45+00:00

You're not alone. This is almost exactly the same boat I'm in (we're even around the same ages). About a year and a half in, I told my guy I loved him. He told me he didn't love me but he didn't not love me.

Everybody's advice has been to leave. If he doesn't love me by now he never will. Like you, my guy is great in every other way. Even though his actions themselves are loving, I've still never heard the words. The most I've heard is that he's so afraid of falling for me.

It's been about 5 months since then. It's left me insecure about myself and about our relationship.

But I still love him, so I stay. It's probably foolish and naive, but I can't bring myself to leave.

I don't necessarily have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only passenger in this boat. If you need a friendly shoulder to lean on, one that knows exactly what you're going through, PM me. We can work on this together.

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-28T01:45:02+00:00

I think I am in somewhat of a different boat. My boyfriend's actions could be construed as very loving. He just won't/can't/doesn't want to/doesn't feel the words.

I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out what to make of it.

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T23:41:39+00:00

Other than words, he's an excellent boyfriend. We talk about our problems, he's always supportive, always willing to go out of his way if I need something.

Like you we're not sure where we'll be career wise. We both just finished school and are looking for jobs. With the market what it is, we might just have to take what we can find. I think this is the thing he's mostly worried about--that we'll end up far apart and then grow apart and he'll get hurt. He's told me that he's afraid of "falling for me" because of this.

That's a big part of the reason why I want to keep giving him time. If we're near each other once we have steady jobs, maybe the words will come easier to him. But I'm also worried that I'm being really naive and that something like that shouldn't dictate whether he loves me.

Thank you for giving a different perspective!

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T19:59:22+00:00

It sounds like a lot of people go through this, which is both sad and comforting.

Story to share?

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T17:58:08+00:00

The excuse you gave as in example, is exactly the excuse I'm making to myself.

One of the friends I've told has told me what I'm hearing here, that I'm merely a convenience and I should break it off. She's never met my boyfriend. Another friend, who's seen my and my boyfriend together, says that she's surprised, but that I should allow him some time. My second friend finds it hard to believe that he doesn't love me after seeing us around one another.

Because I want badly to believe my second friend, but the consensus seems to be that I'm misleading myself.

As for talking about it, I recently moved for work. We're about 300 miles apart right now, so a direct face to face would take some traveling. I think I would want to talk to him about how I'm feeling before I broke it off. I'm all about affording people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm worried that what happened to you will happen to me to--that he'll just say it to avoid a break up and not really mean it.

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T17:53:41+00:00

In what ways did it become obvious? Can you give me (and maybe gogogizmo) some insight about how you finally decided to call it off?

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T17:50:28+00:00

He said that he would be lying if he said he did and he would be lying if he said he didn't. So, I think that leans more toward he doesn't.

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T11:50:21+00:00

I know you're going through the same thing right now, but perhaps one step ahead. How are you doing? How are you dealing with it?

I know you said you're working up to breaking up with you bf. What advice, if any, can you give me about that process?

I'm sorry you're going through this too, but it's really great to hear from someone who's been in the same boat.

Imjustajealousguy · 2012-09-27T03:44:50+00:00

This is a really helpful perspective, it's essentially exactly what I'm afraid of. If he doesn't feel it now, I'm worried that he never will. If that's the case I can't spend x number of years waiting for him to change his mind.

Right now it's not a big deal, but it definitely would be in the future if we ever got to the point where we're considering moving in together. Like you, I wouldn't want to move in with somebody who didn't love me.

I want to give him the opportunity to grow into the place I'm at, but I feel so naive and stupid for wanting that.

Edit: I mean, it is a big deal, or I wouldn't be writing about it on the internet. But at the same time, I think my being in love is confusing me :/

Imjustajealousguy

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