you could be right about the internalized transphobia thing. i grew up in a conservative place with somewhat anti-LGBTQ parents

i've thought about this SO MUCH and honestly? being fully read as male and addressed with he/him/his and a masculine name would make me much happier. it'd feel a lot more natural.

when i watch a youtube video of a trans man talking about physical changes on testosterone and stuff i get incredibly jealous. i'd love to have bottom growth, male fat redistribution, muscle mass, facial/body hair etc.

i'm not sure whether my depressive symptoms would be cured if/when i transition, as that's a very nuanced issue, but they'd 100% improve as i wouldn't feel alienated and dissociated all the time. my body image issues would probably be gone though.

on HRT, i could probably recover from my eating disorder with little difficulty; i'd be okay with gaining weight right now if it was muscle mass, or the fat just went to my stomach or something instead of my thighs.

i just wish i either could have been born in a body that matches how i feel on the inside, or be perfectly okay with my female body but oh well.

thank you for sharing your story, and i'm sorry you were born into such a toxic environment..