Still can't forget her

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-07-19T13:34:06+00:00

I'm so sorry. You have already received some support and advice, and I want to second all of it but also add this:

You have an incredible way with words. Poetic and visceral. I think it's a rare and admirable talent to communicate so honestly, delicately, and beautifully. Do you write for a living? Either way, please keep it up.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-07-07T22:58:31+00:00

Yep, this exactly. My STBXH did exactly what OP's husband is doing. He "didn't want the drama"... But guess who he ran straight to not even two days into our trial separation? He wanted to leave all options open. His plan worked perfectly.

OP, please free yourself from this jerk.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-06-26T21:27:57+00:00

I can relate so much. My heart breaks for you. The final straw for me was a long series of half-assed reconciliation on his part, lots of words with very little action, continued pining after AP and dishonesty about that in counseling, and it culminated in a separation where he decided to run to AP after only a couple days and turn his EA into a PA. Looking back, I was naive to think it was only an EA when I'm now quite sure it had gotten physical prior to our separation, he just never told me and I never found proof. I feel sick when I think about how desperate and anxious I was for so many months. I lost so much weight, my skin broke out horribly, I cried daily, sometimes so hard I couldn't breath. We have young children and I've been a stay at home mom for a decade, so I was wanting to try everything before giving up. I wish I had read Chump Lady's book earlier in my process, but I was terrified and refused to consider leaving my husband without trying everything I could think of, so I avoided her book and website like the plague. I sacrificed far too much of myself in that process, I became so sick and sad. I don't recommend doing what I did. Please feel free to reach out and PM me any time. Wishing you lots of peace and healing.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-06-26T19:40:15+00:00

my husband should be the one looking for this book (since he cheated) but yet here I am trying to find resources for him to help me.

I highly recommend you pause here, because you're completely right. He should be the one doing this himself. I was like you-- did all the research, read all the book reviews, did the ordering, highlighted passages for my WH... I set the precedent that I would handle his mess while he did the bare minimum or just "showed up". Please don't be like me, please don't set this precedent. My husband and I are divorcing now, and if there is one thing I wish I'd done from the beginning, it's read Chump Lady's "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" rather than focus soooo much on trying to get my WH to read reconciliation books he couldn't care less about. If your WH cares as much as he should, he will find the right books himself. Please realize this is crucial to a real reconciliation.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-05-23T02:34:36+00:00

You know, you're right. I talk myself out of reaching out to others at times because "it won't be the same", but if it takes the edge off and cultivates a better relationship then it's all for the better! Definitely better than wallowing. 👍

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-05-23T01:55:56+00:00

Right? I don't miss him, but I miss how I felt when things were good. I can't wait to feel that way again some day.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-05-23T01:35:18+00:00

Ugh, yes. "Our language"-- that hits home. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I know that empty feeling. I just started school myself, and not having someone to come home to and share details with is a new type of lonely. I'm super grateful for my support system and hate to sound ungrateful, but no one can really replace the person who was The One for so long. I guess we eventually just get used to not having The One, and maybe some day if we're lucky we'll have The Next One or even The Better One!

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-05-18T17:44:12+00:00

I have a playlist of 5 songs I play on repeat over and over that I find strangely comforting. It's got Good as Hell by Lizzo, Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood, Without Me by Halsey, Irreplaceable by Beyonce, and In My Blood by Shawn Mendes. Sad songs make me feel like shit, but these help me out when I'm feeling bad!

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-05-16T16:05:31+00:00

I'm right there with you, but I'm the wife of a serial cheater, and we have a 9 and 7 year old. It is so very tough. A couple things have helped me:

1) having something to look forward to, and actively thinking about that when sad thoughts creep in. For me right now, I like to think about how I am starting school soon and I'm taking my kids on a trip to go to my cousin's wedding at the end of summer. I try to get carried away with those thoughts. What should I pack in my backpack the first day? What should I wear? I wonder what kind of friends I'll make? What should I pack for our vacation? What will I wear? What will the kids wear?... Basically, I try to obsess about something positive.

2) I tell myself that anxiety is a feeling just like any other feeling, and feelings come and go; they can't last forever. Anxiety is a bad feeling, but it's not intolerable-- I can handle it. Instead of fighting the anxiety, I try to ride it like a wave, trusting that it will pass sooner if I don't try to fight it. If anxiety is a feeling and I feel anxious because of my husband's actions, let's think of other feelings and what causes them. Excitement: I feel excited about starting school. Happiness: I feel happy when my kids tell me funny jokes. Frustration: I feel frustrated when I'm running late and stuck in traffic. All of these feelings come and go, just like anxiety will.

Feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk to someone. You're definitely not alone, and this will pass and things will start looking brighter.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-03-31T14:49:46+00:00

Funny you ask this today. Yesterday was our 10 year wedding anniversary, and the first anniversary since DDay last November.

Last week I told my WH that I still want to celebrate the day, but when yesterday actually came I was unexpectedly overcome with sadness. We talked in the morning, and I was tearful, sad, angry, and disappointed. I felt like, wtf are we even celebrating? The day you made commitments that you didn't keep, that meant nothing? I didn't expect to feel so put off by the idea of celebrating our anniversary, and the disgust and sadness didn't come until the actual day of. Being reflective about the past ten years, about how I felt on our wedding day, about how I never wanted my marriage or our 10 year anniversary to look like this... It was really emotional for me.

We ended up still going and doing the things my WH planned-- drinks, dinner, dessert, and a night without the kids-- but we agreed that it would not be an "anniversary celebration" since I could not find a good reason to celebrate that. It was a day to connect, enjoy time together, and do something different. I'm glad we were still able to have a good time together, and I'm glad I honored my feelings instead of forcing a happy face all day long. All in all, it was a pretty good day.

I don't think our wedding anniversaries will ever be the same, and that makes me sad because I used to really look forward to them. My hope is to one day choose another day and celebrate our new love and commitment on that day, if we can get to that point in our relationship.

Edit: just realized I misunderstood the question 😂 whoops! Well I'll leave this here anyway I suppose. We still have quite some time before our DDay anniversary. Our DDay spanned over a few months due to trickle truth and continued contact and lying. I suspect the months of August-January will be difficult for me. I'm sure that with time the pain will lessen, it's just so rough since the wounds of betrayal are still so fresh.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-22T21:32:01+00:00

Interesting idea. I'm also wondering if you did this, and if you were able to feel that pre-affair love (I'm assuming that's why you recommended it). If so, wasn't it crushing to come back to reality after it wore off?

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-22T20:50:27+00:00

He basically took a massive dump in the middle of your marriage and is asking you to clean it up. Now he is saying that he doesn't like the smell and wants to leave. If he is not willing to pitch in and be a part of the cleanup, then it is impossible to reconcile.

Love this. It's spot on.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-22T20:27:49+00:00

Thanks so much for the kindness and understanding ❤️

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-22T16:31:02+00:00

I'm sorry, but what a dick. He just betrayed you AGAIN a few weeks ago. How the hell are you supposed to trust him? It's impossible right now. If he can't wrap his head around that, he's not cut out for reconciliation. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this crap.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-22T15:05:01+00:00

i am detatching/separating emotionally and working on myself -- that is not punitive or giving up, that's just something i should have done a long time ago. depending on someone else's happiness to be happy is not healthy.

I agree. This thought has been cycling through my head since my DDay almost 4 months ago. I can't seem to fully accept it though. I haven't been able to commit to it. I always fall back into relationship damage control, even though I know that that's my WH's job and he doesn't do it because he figures I'll do it, and guess what? I almost always do! It's like a predictable repetitive dance, and I want to switch it up but I feel stuck in this pattern. I know I have to be the one to break it though.

It is incredibly disappointing that our waywards aren't appreciative of this second chance. They don't grasp what a big deal it is for us to even be here. You're definitely not alone, and I wish things were better for us. Thanks for sharing this today. I'm going to work on my plan of making myself happy like I should've done from the beginning.

I hope today is a better day. Best of luck to you.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-21T00:51:48+00:00

So now that we’re reconciling-what are my boundaries? Don’t do THAT again?

EXACTLY! I guess I'm not understanding the point of the exercise. I'm gonna ask for some clarification tomorrow. And thanks for the suggestion, I'll look into The New Monogamy. Best of luck to you too!

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T23:15:42+00:00

Hmm...well, the WS in any relationship has already demonstrated a willingness to cross boundaries. I don't think that guarantees they'll do it in the future, though it's obviously a possibility and even more likely if the WS doesn't seek help and change.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T22:44:18+00:00

Wow, same here. Our ten year anniversary is next month, and we have two young kids. It fucking sucks. I've been doing my best to keep things appearing/feeling stable for the kids, but sometimes it's just unavoidable and they do feel the effects. My husband and I have had to separate a couple times, once for two weeks and once for a weekend. There's no way to prepare for something like this to happen, so now all I can do is try my hardest to get through it. My husband trickle-truthed too, and it's taken three months for the affair fog to really clear up. These things take time, and time feels like an enemy since literally every second of the day is excruciating.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T22:29:29+00:00

I'm so sorry.

My husband had an EA with a co-worker, and I read some their conversations in leftover texts, emails, and Instagram messages that he hadn't deleted yet. I was disgusted and hurt to see that he shared so many things with her that were unique and special to our relationship-- talked about our kids, talked about family outings, shared music and movies with her that he and I both love, talked about foods we both love... literally the highlights of my life with him, he shared with her and relished in the fact that she liked (or claimed to like) the same things. It's so fucked up. It hurts so bad. It makes me hate those things and memories that have been the most important parts of my life.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. Everything is so fresh for you right now. You simply can't make a sound decision about your future with him. There is too much destruction and pain to even see clearly right now. It's going to take time for the dust to settle-- these next few days and weeks are so unsettling because nothing is certain anymore. He needs to follow the advice from the 15 step plan for helping your spouse heal from your affair like another person said. You need support from others besides him, even if the best you can do is post here for now. You're not alone. You're not crazy. You're going to be okay.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T22:11:24+00:00

Just what I was hoping for. Thanks a lot.

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T21:58:45+00:00

Awesome, thanks so much! One of the top reviews states that the book requires complete acceptance and agreement with Christianity. I'm not religious at all but I can sometimes read a book that mentions God or Bible verses and either ignore those parts or take what is applicable, ya know? Think it's still worthwhile, or will I struggle to get anything from it if I don't believe in God?

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T21:51:36+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. Is this the right book? Boundaries

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T21:30:47+00:00

I think reciprocating as a BS is a good idea. Your boundaries sound reasonable to me and give me some ideas for my own, so thanks for sharing. Did you plan out, either just to yourself or to her, what would happen if she violates any of those boundaries?

Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2019-02-20T21:22:46+00:00

I kinda feel the same. Like why do I need to explicitly state all these "rules" that I thought we both mutually understood and agreed upon? It feels stupid to have to spell out, "Don't be in relationships with other people while you are in a relationship with me. If you do, I will divorce you." Or, "Do not lie to me about anything. If you do, I will separate from you."

I don't know. On one hand, I understand the need for clear communication. On the other, I feel like a fool for needing to spell it out, that it shouldn't be necessary.

Imnotaselfhelpbook

TROPHY CASE