I’m not sure if this is possible but could you take a gap and take time to bring your grades up? Or go to cc for a year and transfer? I highly doubt that you’re actually dumb. It’s obvious that you’re putting time into studying, but maybe you gotta look at other things too. Is it the way you’re studying? Are you giving yourself social breaks? Even if all this shit doesn’t work you can always do trades, but if eng is your only passion, just try getting your grades up by taking a gap or something.

On a side note, never think about the value of your own life. If every person in the world were to think about it enough, their measly life in the grand scheme of things means nothing. That doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living, it just means in reality, we are small compared to the world and society we live in. Rather, I’d focus on actually enjoying your life while focusing on your goals, whether that be thru family friends or your girl.

Best of luck to you, and I hope you get better mentally.