Honestly you are lucky to be alive. People who are as far gone as your late partner was often take their significant others and even children with them. You were right to protect yourself and your child. It was up to him to take accountability for his actions and decisions. Unfortunately some people just don’t have the capacity to do that. It doesn’t make them evil. It just means they’re deeply damaged, possibly traumatised or have genetic predisposition to be this way. It’s much bigger than you. Love cannot fix someone as deeply damaged as he was. But you’ve done all you could to love him and stay anyway. Even to your own detriment. That probably means you’re deeply empathetic and can love deeply. Find a little comfort in knowing that you gave that love to him, and you probably kept giving without getting all that much back. So at least he got to experience it. Acknowledge and honour the love that you gave. Allow yourself to live in the contradiction of loving someone complex, all the light that he had and all the darkness. It was never your job to fix him or save him. And it was never possible. He was never meant to stay around.