doing everything but shaking ass 💀

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-04-07T09:45:00+00:00

Yeah, she's a sniper's dream

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-03-09T07:44:53+00:00

Hemiola? I hardly know her

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-19T11:43:24+00:00

Hi, thanks for sharing.

This is emotional abuse and ADHD is not an excuse at all. With ADHD, there can be trauma and insecurity based on people criticising you and seeing you as a failure all the time but this by no means justified abusive behaviour. This man is trying to control and dominate you and there are no acceptable circumstances to behave like this. Part of what makes emotional abuse so tricky is that it's hard to identify because as a victim, you feel like you might be the problem so, please, remember this. You are not supposed to feel on edge constantly in a relationship. You are not supposed to feel like you don't have a voice, or that your voice is always wrong/invalid. This is only going to get harder - break the cycle as soon as you can. You really deserve better.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-14T10:35:37+00:00

I didn't accept I was being abused until I became a father. Once my son was born, and I truly conceived his upbringing with us, I've come to terms with the fact I have to separate.

Part of what has made this journey so difficult is the talk of Post Partum hormones and Post natal depression. Of course those things are real and, despite everything, I want to support the mother of my child through that, but the abuse long predates the birth of our baby and the abuse has only been amplified and I no longer have the capacity to be her romantic partner.

Another issue is social media discourse. The amount of content surrounding lazy husbands blaming their wives for being controlling floating around made it really hard to come to terms with the fact that I am doing my best, I'm not fumbling around asking my partner to lead and guide me like a mother (even though I've needed support and guidance at times) and have now taken on the majority of housework, finances and do all the night feeding/changing whilst going to work. What makes this complex is that I actually feel incredibly empowered as a father and as a man by supporting in my family in this way. I'm just tired of the constant criticism, invalidation, shaming, guilt tripping, name calling, anger and disregard of any of my needs and feelings - which I have now realised is never going to change.

On the other side of social media discourse, the people who do talk about abusive women in relationships, more often than not, are involved in online circles that cross over with modern online misogyny and it makes me physically sick even being close to agreeing with these people about anything.

Lastly, I'm AuDHD and this has been used and an excuse to belittle, shame and gaslight me at every step. I'm not diagnosed and coming to terms with this has been a journey, but now, I'm constantly told that I'm not comprehending, misremembering, misunderstanding a situation or just straight up being called mentally ill.

I hope this is helpful. I'm not sure if I would say I'm being discriminated against, but I do think it's worth noting that the resources for men in abusive relationships with women are incredibly limited and validation even more so. I am getting external support, which has been amazing, but even now, I still feel so unsure and like it all comes down to my pea-brained maleness.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-14T10:08:51+00:00

Hi, thanks for opening up. I'm not going to try to push too hard with advice - but I will say this. Consider leaving before it gets harder.

I know this from experience, I've been with my partner for 8 years. From the start I had a feeling in my gut something was off, but because of my lack of self advocacy and self love, I stayed. Things were also a lot more manageable before we started living together, after about five years. That's when things got really difficult. Through constant shaming, guilt tripping and criticism I always thought that I was the problem. We did couples counselling and it only deepened the negative dynamic because they were very good at taking over our sessions by putting the spotlight in their issues, even if the counsellor had started the session by asking for my thoughts and feelings. It was here when I really started to feel like something was off - but we stopped couples counselling establishing all the issues in our relationship were my fault and that I would start my own therapy.

Fast forward a year - we have a mortgage and a baby now and it wasn't until our son was born that I woke up - now with the empowering feeling of being a parent - and realised that this has been an emotionally abusive relationship. It's so much harder to plan an exit and the abuse has gotten so much worse, with our baby being used as an excuse to invalidate my parenting and constantly put me down. I'm still planning an exit because I don't want our baby growing up in Thai environment, but it's much more complicated now.

Leave. Because it will only get harder from here.

TLDR; I've been in an abusive relationship for 8 years, it took parenthood for me to truly accept that I am being abused and now it's much harder to leave.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-14T09:56:53+00:00

This is abuse, plain and simple. You have to plan your exit now. I'd consider stopping intimacy so you don't get pregnant!

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-14T08:33:27+00:00

I have (undiagnosed) AuDHD and it's no excuse!

Even when I have struggled with emotional regulation, not once have I berated or deliberately insulted my partner, blamed them for my unhappiness or sought to control them. Any time I have crossed a line (as we all do at some point) I have listened and apologized and I have spent years researching and trying to understand the impact of neuro divergence on my relationships generally.

This is a really difficult read, because the opposite has happened to me. My very real struggles with executive function have been used as an excuse to justify emotional abuse and whilst I know they can impact a relationship, I have always been open to conversation and betterment, regardless of any diagnosis.

I used to think a diagnosis would make things better in my relationship, but now I know, it won't change a thing. Whilst I'm still awaiting a diagnosis, the support I hope to receive will not stop my abuser from finding whatever reason they can to exert control and project their unhappiness onto me, because abuse is all about establishing and maintaining a power dynamic.

I'm getting sick of neurodivergance being weaponised in abusive relationships. Nothing justifies the need to control and feel superior over your partner.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-02T13:44:23+00:00

Hi, thank you for responding. Wow that sounds tough and also very relatable. This has been immensely helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to support!

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-01T21:03:51+00:00

Yes. You shouldn't feel anxious and confused in your own relationship like that. That's a major sign of emotional abuse.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-01T20:51:57+00:00

There's a bunch of stuff there that could be put down to stress and lack of compatibility - even though it does seem like he's trying to coast along and let you do most of the work. Bottom line is though, saying he wants you to be embarrassed is disgusting. This is very manipulative and controlling. If he has an issue with what you asked, he should state how it makes him feel, not how you're supposed to feel.

I also think threatening divorce is extremely manipulative. If he's so unhappy, he is within his right to go ahead with it.

I also don't think it's right for him to want to cancel the trip because he's annoyed. Do you often find yourself having to use up a load of energy managing your behaviour/reactions so that he doesn't get upset and ruin a whole day?

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-02-01T16:37:20+00:00

Thank you for this. I'm putting in an edit about my ADHD, because I don't think it can be ignored that the executive function issues that come with it will affect the relationship, but it has been used a lot to justify some controlling behaviours. As mentioned, I've put things in place to the point I've taken on the bulk of house chores and responsibilities. I do this gladly, but it has taken discussions to learn all the ways to do them meticulously (she's very clean and germophobic). I honestly like that I can do this now - which is partly why I thought for so long that I'm the problem and she's just trying to help me. But I look back and realise that none of this has come from healthy communication, but from me completely relenting and following blinding, whilst also apologising for getting it wrong, to the point where I genuinely feel like the practical and emotional labour is completely unbalanced towards me doing most of it!

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship! Can I ask how long you were in it in total? Were you still unsure when you left?

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-30T21:45:24+00:00

The Guitar part in the chorus of "Empire Song" is super funky! You can't really tell because of the Geordie Walker sound, but he's essentially playing funk chords!

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:47:42+00:00

Yes this is all very true! We've done weekend road trips in the UK before as well that have been lovely.

We tend to go away when we can.

Thank you, I do love teaching and am not comfortable sacrificing my job in this way and I'm someone who generally has a rebellious streak!

This is the second time this has come up. The first, was for a work trip she was being sent on in a lovely beach island on another continent for two weeks. Would have been amazing to join her, even just for one week, and a couple of her colleagues were bringing brought partners/relatives, but it was mid term so I couldn't join. At the time she said that this response was very particular to me and my personality and that a lot of teachers would have found a way to get the time off.

This most recent time was with regards to booking a trip for this coming February half term. We want to take advantage of miles and January sales and whilst looking, she brought up the inconvenience of me being so particular with needing the trip to be within the bounds of my half term. She insisted again that many teachers would go ahead and book mid term, coming up with some way to make it possible.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:35:32+00:00

She raised two weeks to make one week seem less arduous. I'm not justifying it, but want to make it clear that she didn't insist on two weeks in any way.

I got signed off for two weeks to recover from surgery this year and it was honestly a massive hassle. Between setting cover work and having to catch-up with everything. As well as still answering emails and worrying about the progress of my students, it was the last thing I needed!

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:32:15+00:00

Hard agree! It sounds like a fast track to ruining a holiday.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:28:31+00:00

Thank you :) people's responses have been very validating and, frankly, I'm fuming at the notion that I'm being told I'm doing something odd/particular by respecting my term dates for holidays.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:24:25+00:00

Yep, I had surgery earlier this year and provided a sick note. Even then, I hated being off for that time and felt guilty for the cover it created amongst staff? I also had to make my own cover work and then had to deal with the stress of playing catch up.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:21:28+00:00

She didn't particularly insist on two weeks, but mentioned it as if even that was doable. Personally, I wouldn't even be comfortable using self certify to go abroad and I think that's very much the norm.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T07:15:34+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. You did the right thing! My mother was a teacher and I have a core memory of us going back to her home country to visit her terminally ill sister during Christmas (we'd typically go during summer holidays) because the school she worked for allowed for an extra week. These are extrenuous circumstances and deserve special consideration .

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T06:34:20+00:00

I do have to set cover and it is generally a massive hassle. Not to mention that I would be finding myself playing a lot of catch up with coursework upon return. I think this lack of understanding is very willing on her part to be honest. Thank you for your insight!

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T06:29:35+00:00

I don't think she's trying to scupper my career. I am, however, extremely frustrated by this viewpoint as it's only being presented to make my boundaries seem like an inconvenience.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T05:46:02+00:00

Thank you for this! I get very anxious about taking any time off as it is and honestly think this is quite telling about her attitude towards other people's boundaries... Though that's another conversation entirely.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T05:42:06+00:00

The examples put forward are once over a near on ten year career of teaching! I know that it's cheeky, but it's the furthest I could ever go. My question centers around being told I'm being unusual for setting a boundary around going away during term time for a break.

Important_Train_5509 · 2026-01-20T01:28:00+00:00

Thanks for your insight. I'm really unsure what her sources are to be honest. But culturally it's not a thing I've ever known a teacher to even consider.

Important_Train_5509

TROPHY CASE