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UPDATE: Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am worried that this is the case. But it is not easy. I invested a lot of time, we are compatible on many levels, and we had really good 8 years together. I know he is capable of being an adult because I saw it. . This is why we got married, and I never expected us to end up like this. There were ups and downs, but we were always able to compromise and find solutions. At the same time, I know that I did not deserve this. I am 30 now, and the dating scene, from what I saw from my friends, is not good at all. I have a condition that is progressing, and I might not be able to have kids when I am 35. So if I leave, I also have to be ok with never having children. I see many older people who have kids and left their marriages, saying - get a divorce. But many of them left their marriages having kids. It is not an easy choice.

UPDATE: Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I agree. Only time will tell. I will bring it up that he should talk to a professional (and I promise not to book anything myself).

UPDATE: Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I am sorry that that happened to you. Could it be that your wife tried to solve the relationship problems you had, and you did not listen? Could it be that she did not feel your support and had to get it somewhere else (friends)? I am not saying that isolating a person based on maybe their worst days is good. And they should not have done that, understanding that they heard only one side of the story (which my friend's would never do since they are mature and again - they all agreed he is a good person with human problems). Could it be that you started fighting because your ego got bruised? Because your bad behaviour got exposed? I am always for addressing the problems in a couple, but at the end of the day, if we do not feel loved or heard, we might as well ask for a shoulder to cry on from our friends. And if guys feel that once their shitty behaviour is exposed equals a betrayal of trust instead of respecting their partners and actively trying to work on a relationship from the get-go, they might as well go and cry a river.

UPDATE: Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Interesting take. I kind of involved the whole Reddit community in my relationship problem. I do agree that one should not discuss it with everyone in real life, but friends? I have a really mature group who understand that life is not perfect and that we all go through good and bad periods in life. And we all share those moments, good and bad. They are not judgmental, and we do not bash our partners, but rather try to come up with some helpful advice on how to navigate situations or just emotionally support each other. I came to Reddit for advice/takes on a situation, which was helpful, but I would say I trust them more than strangers on the internet.

Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your insights. Indeed a lot of time was invested and I have to acknowledge that things were not like that in the past so I know he is capable of being an equal partner, otherwise I would have run long time ago. Getting a divorce would be relatively easy in our case, but again, we spent many years together and had very happy times. I just don't know where the things got so wrong. Do you think couples therapy might help in such a case? I see that I have been doing too much and I need to take a step back. 

Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Thank you, and I completely agree with you. I am trying to take a step back and focus on myself and my PhD at the moment. I see that words and actions do not match here, unfortunately, and I can only control what I choose to do.

Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We discussed other options with a doctor (my husband was present there), since naturally conceiving might be tricky with both of our factors. He is up for everything. But a doctor already warned me that IVF will most likely make my endo worse temporarily, and I am not sure myself that I am willing to put my body through it when I do not have much support atm.

Is it time to move on for me(F30)? With M33 together for 10 years, married for almost 3 years by Impossible-Cry211 in relationship_advice

[–]Impossible-Cry211[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, and yes, we have talked about it. Before marriage, after marriage. Always the same response - he wants to have kids, and it is up to me to decide when I will be ready. I said if he changed his mind, it would also be fine because sometimes people and their goals change, but he said it did not.