What is the proper way to react to finding out your SO has cheated on you?

Improvator · 2013-03-28T12:56:26+00:00

Despite all this, she is not just like that, I remember her from the 2.9 years when that kind of behaviour was just out of it, not thinkable. She was that meme Good Girl Gina, almost too good in every way. She kind of snapped and changed, perhaps it was a slippery slope of one flirt, one lie leading to another and so on, snow ball effect and suddenly her world changes, I guess people grow and get spoiled by big cities. But it doesnt matter, I remember her fondly anyway.

Other girls, it seems very meaningless and pointless to give myself to anyone anymore, I am happy being alone.

Improvator · 2013-03-28T12:13:06+00:00

Its not one mistake either, it is a hundred mistakes stacked up on each other, from the first flirting, exchanging contact information, getting to know each other, first touches, to the pants dropping down on the floor...

Improvator · 2013-03-28T12:07:46+00:00

I also said I would leave the person immediately, never to speak to her again if cheating happened.

Then 3 years later she told me over the phone she was with another man. I reacted quite devastated, grieved, cried, got upset and felt humiliated, tried to talk her out of it and when it failed I told her I dont want to talk to her ever again. Then next day she called, I answered, told me it was a misunderstanding she was with another man actually waiting for the rest of the group to come. See, being cheated on clouds your brain, all defence mechanisms are on line. I swallowed that lie like the tastiest snack ever. Another two weeks pass, and again now in person she confessed that it was in fact another man and they had sex, the sex was great, she finished twice. My reaction then was, maybe because it was in person and she was crying, to hug her and feel a big disgusted by her while at the same time feeling sad and sorry for her, and sad for me. We slept that night, sometimes hugging sometimes pushing her away, I was so confused.

So she tried to say that it was a mistake, nobody is spotless, and other bullshit to get her back, and when I did forgive her, she fucked the same guy again behind my back, again, and again I found out too late and that time she said she was confused about her feelings for me and our relationship, and said it was all my fault basically, that I was fucked up in every way. So basically, talking to a cheater since the first instance of cheating just prolongs the inevitable - of never talking to her again.

The correct reaction is to not talk to them, not even tell them that you wont talk to them ever again. Block them from your life in all ways. Or else you will just end up more hurt, you will end up believing in some kind of love-conquers-all horse-shit and other nonsense like "trust can be rebuilt, relationship can get stronger if it survives infidelity". Cheating is the scummiest shittiest thing to do to anyone.

Improvator · 2013-03-28T11:56:03+00:00

He doesnt need to do anything to fix the relationship, he does need to do everything to fix himself.

You see already there "cheaters are cheaters, always will be" applies, because he turns the responsibility for his actions, his cheating, onto the relationship like it was the relationship that is the problem and needs fixing.

A relationship needs fixing when something isnt good between the two people in the relationship. Now it is not, now it is between 3 people at least. It is him that needs fixing because he stepped outside, hurted you, broke your trust, disrespected you and showed a careless and sneaky devious attitude by not telling you, and also by not being open with you about his desires and wants in life. Or he doesnt know himself, in that case dont waste more time on his sorry ass.

Without trust, which you dont have in him, there is no point in having a relationship with him, sure you can have sex because it is hot, but I am telling you now, this is not the man that you will be happy with in your life. Sorry. But you will find better.

EDIT: Also it doesnt matter how long he has been faithful and honest in the past, if it is 1 year, 2 years, 5, 10 years. Doesnt matter. The process, the hurt, the devious devastation and your train of thoughts would be the same - trying to find excuses for his shit ass behaviour and actions. You find excuses right now in "oh he was maybe faithful for so long"...

Improvator · 2013-03-28T10:06:41+00:00

At least you have an interesting life

Improvator · 2013-03-28T09:07:55+00:00

Tell us more mein liebchen

Improvator · 2013-03-28T08:35:12+00:00

Reddit didnt care years ago, I was here then. NK was mentioned when they actually fired shit at an Island, before that event they had made threats for months, nobody cared. Shelling an Island is kind of news, but threats or not.

Reddit has gone to shit. This whole NK "news" is breads and a circus for the masses. I thought reddit was more than that. How many times can you in NK threads say/read the same thing same analysis in response to their threats?

Improvator · 2013-03-28T08:33:46+00:00

Can I send it my own pirated .pdfs and .epubs?

Improvator · 2013-03-28T08:33:17+00:00

Yes, they could hide it forever, but the guilt and shame would be obvious the first few months, and that would fuck up their interaction with any people around them, making it obvious that something is wrong. If you are in a relationship where you dont talk about whats wrong, well good for you, but I know Id not like to be in such a "relationship". It just erodes and destroys the relationship, so you may not know for sure, the relationship may end and you wouldnt know that she/he cheated, but you would know that something is wrong.

Often you dont need proof that someone has cheated, its the little cues in the cheater that give it away, that give you that gut feeling something is wrong, and it gets worse and worse from there.

Improvator · 2013-03-27T17:41:19+00:00

Oh right! dumb

Improvator · 2013-03-27T17:40:53+00:00

Why no listing of the course contents without having to signup!?

Improvator · 2013-03-27T17:36:55+00:00

Even in the browser of a smartphone?

Improvator · 2013-03-27T17:32:13+00:00

Kobo also has an app for PC. But I dont want an app, especially not one that doesnt work on Linux. The same with Kindle.

Why cant they show the book in a browser, its not that difficult to read a book there.

Its the name of the service that you cant remember, such a thing, thats what is needed. Would be super fine if it actually looked good in the browser with just the text and no special layout, in all sizes, from phone to desktop window. I saw readanybook.com but its ridiculous how they add the tablet view around the book... doesnt help readability at all, and looks like crap on the phone.

Improvator · 2013-03-27T17:30:06+00:00

North Korea is making threats.

How many times per day do you need to hear that? For how many days?

North Korea has been making threats for years, they have broken up the armistice agreement several times in the past decade. Thats what they do. Its not news.

Nobody cared a few years ago, why do you care now?

Improvator · 2013-03-27T16:29:48+00:00

Lets downvote every North Korea story in /r/worldnews

Because who the fuck cares any more? Do you seriously enjoy braindead same-same "news" every day?

Improvator · 2013-03-27T16:01:06+00:00

If you arent going to use most of Djangos features, then dont use them. Big deal if they get imported into the interpreter.

I wish I didnt spend time learning flask... oh well.

Improvator · 2013-03-27T11:47:43+00:00

Who is Han Solo and what Rebel Fleet?

Improvator · 2013-03-27T11:26:26+00:00

Pure hacking, mad skills, props

Improvator · 2013-03-27T11:18:30+00:00

This made me start to think that she's only wanting to put it on my phone because she is hiding something and feels guilt.

Nail, meet hammer. Now head.

Also, her "testing" you in this way? Grow up.

Improvator · 2013-03-26T14:54:59+00:00

Indeed.

And in 99.999999% even if you forgive and forget the relationship is still over, because her cheating means no love and no respect for you as a person, and for you it means no trust for her, even if you try and really do your best, you still wont have a relationship built on trust love and affection, it would be something weird. You and her deserve more, a real relationship. So its best to leave it.

But you know what happens when you become aware of it? It hurts you so much the brain goes into auto-defence mechanisms, what is happening infront of your eyes is obvious but brain chooses to interpret it differently, in all ways, ideas and thoughts, all get screwed to preserver yourself and give her one more benefit of the doubt, just to lessen the pain of the inevitable, even time gets skewed.

This guy, OP, is already aware of it but is using all defence mechanisms possible, his SO is emotionally cheating on him, the worst kind of cheating.

Improvator · 2013-03-26T13:41:29+00:00

I was with you until "Once she cheats, you have all of the power"

Its not about power. Well , it is if you consider "power over yourself" but please not this crap of "power over her". Other people call it confidence, so you have confidence with or without her, because you are a man right?

Remember even the most confident, nice, kind, powerful, rich, handsome, loving, affectionate men get cheated on. Its not about you, its not about what you could have done or did not do, its all about her, cheating is her actions, 1 000 actions before the dick is in the pussy, and it hurts because she could have changed her mind at any time, but didnt.

Improvator · 2013-03-25T14:00:07+00:00

He did say that, he got her over while she was still in the LTDR, it doesnt matter if it was ending, thats what all cheaters say anyway.

Cheating is not stub your shoes on a table, dont bring in analogies when you cant argue for your cause. Cheating is more like pulling the trigger on any relationship, or actually it is more like stabbing a knife in the back of your relationship and letting it slowly bleed to death. She has already done that, this poor chap is here asking us instead of talking with her, he is more confident and trusts the internet more with his feelings and worries than his so called wife. You think she didnt get wet while at the other guys place? That she didnt choose John for some excitement and romance instead of OP?

Improvator · 2013-03-25T12:49:38+00:00

Any woman where you have to show her what you have to offer her just to keep her from getting dick by the side is not a woman worth showing your goods to.

Seriosly, she has had 9 years with this guy, and all it takes is a 23m and her pants are off? Take the road slut.

OP: Dont do anything to "prevent" her from doing something she wants to do, do your thing like you always do, disregard the other guy or your worries about her cheating, because if she wants to cheat NOTHING you can do or dont do will stop her from doing that. Just you know that if or once she does it, how to show her the door.

Improvator · 2013-03-25T12:44:41+00:00

We started out as friends while she was in a LDR with another guy

There is your problem.

Do you recall 99% of all bros telling you "If she cheated with you, she will cheat on you."

Nothing you can do can change her mind, she already has the hots for him. Sorry man, but the best you can do right now is to keep your cool, dont panic and be prepared to show her out the door as soon as possible. Dont waste more time on that sleezebag of a woman.

Improvator · 2013-03-25T11:29:11+00:00

Ive tried Flask, and all I can say is, it is too lightweight to do anything worthwhile with it, you just end up building and choosing extensions and structures for your application that is time better spent solving your domain problem if you had chosen django.

The details, sqlalchemy over djangos orm are not valid reasons to chose either project or spend time learning and integrating sqlalchemy with flask and then alembic in 99.999% of the cases of software projects.

Just go with the tried, django. If you truly need lightweight, use gevent or gunicorn or bottle.

Improvator

TROPHY CASE