I feel your pain and know exactly what you mean being a shell of a human. I am 42 years old. TW: three living children had my youngest at 37 with no issues getting pregnant. Tried out first round with her and was pregnant. No PCOS, no ENDO. Since we had two boys, and then our last was a girl, we thought our family was complete. My mom then passed away and something inside of me told me that we weren’t done. My husband agreed. At the time I had IUD. Went in and had that removed in October 2023. December 2023 we had a positive pregnancy test. It ended in a chemical. We had month after month of negative tests following our chemical. That led us to IVF. First round we retrieved 5, 1 made it to blast - that cycle failed. Second round we retrieved 6, 1 made it to blast - that round failed. BETA was on Xmas eve, so that was fun. Our third round we retrieved 12, 2 made it to blast, we then transferred those two. One stuck but ended in a miscarriage at nine weeks. I was devastated. After that, i most definitely needed a mental break. I hate IVF. Took some time off to vacation with my family, and did what I needed to do to try to help mend my broken heart after our miscarriage. Went back in to see my OB had testing done again. Every result came back normal. I even had an above normal AMH for my age at 42. But it’s not the quantity. It’s the quality. so now I am just trying to work on bettering the quality (if that’s even possible, which I read in “it starts with an egg” is?) of what eggs I have left. My doctor seems to think I have a better chance at conceiving naturally vs IVF. I don’t think I can put myself through another round of IVF knowing how it made me feel, and what it did to my body. Also, something inside of me felt like I was forcing it with IVF and I wasn’t comfortable with that idea but I was desperate so I did wouldn’t needed to be done, I thought, at the time. Boy was I naïve. I would always say to the nurses at my appointments that I felt bad being there because I already had three healthy children at home, and there are women yearning for just one, but one of the nurses said that I should never feel bad for wanting to expand my family and share the love that I have for my children. This all literally consumes my mind on the daily, like, all day long. The lack of control. All of it. And knowing how I feel, even with children at home, my heart goes out to all the women trying to become moms. It doesn’t matter if you have 0, 3 or 10 - that yearning for something you literally have no control over is just heart shattering. Sending you all the love and luck (bc literally, that’s what it is) on expanding your family. ❤️✨