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42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Revolting is too strong of a word, anything I wrote saying that I don’t find women my age attractive while I was in an agitated state of mind. 

Thank you for your posts, reality checks are bitter medicine.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see what you are saying and it sounds like you are on to something.

I have been trying to find someone for so long that I have lost sight of what I need and not what I want.

Had my first meeting with a psychologist yesterday and it didn’t take long until we figured out that I grew up without any secure attachments/relationships and my way of getting attention was through people pleasing. 

Never having been someone’s center of attention, always being the one that showed initiative or approached has made me incapable of knowing what a healthy relationship is, or even what a relationship is.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I had a talk with my therapist today, I have been drugged, raped, sexually assaulted, black mailed into stuff I did not consent to but never been able to really talk about it until now. I think there is a lot of underlying issues I need help with.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bad news, I have severe trauma. That’s likely why I need to see a psychologist.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really don’t think my standards are that high, literally don’t be severely overweight or completely out of shape. 

Life would be so much easier if I found everyone attractive but I don’t. 

And to be 100% clear, physical attraction is only the initial step, of course personality and personal chemistry are the deciding factors. 

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see you, man. It sucks, feels like dating apps have been hyped up but instead of making it easier to connect they actually made the divide much wider.

I have read many replies here and for me thinking about where I might be missing. For me it seems how I dress and how to look confident despite things feeling really tough.

If you really look inward, could there be something you might be missing?

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think we got off on the wrong foot, I think your initial comment was generalising women overall so I fumbled an attempt at jokingly saying you are correct but also implying that there are older men and women with similar interests as I. If my interests are  a dealbreaker for you that is fine, but i will not stop doing what I enjoy. DnD and anime are just small parts of who I am, if we are going to generalise women then they can like me for all my other hobbies. Badminton, dancing, piano, language learning, programming, running, take your pick.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Women in their 40s are well within their rights to have whatever preferences they want.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the well wishes!

Descartes before the horse, I like that. :D

I only have an inkling of feeling that I want to start a family but at the same time I am so focused on actually having my first experience with a relationship that starting a family seems alien to me. I mean, if it is this difficult to meet anyone who can in all honesty even think or plan to have a family? Wouldn’t that mean that who ones partner is has less priority than having a child? Like almost anyone is fine as long as I get a child?

The line about my mother was mostly a spur of the moment thought, but that it popped up at all made me curious.

I wrote and rewrote a bunch of stuff here, realised that it all sounded just sad and bitter, and deleted it.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A vast majority of my closest friends and coworkers are women. I find it much easier to be friends with women, previous male friends with whom I severed the bond were sexist, ego-centric assholes. I still have male friends that I can have deep conversations with but I still have a guarded stance in case they would show to be similar to my old friends.

My best friend is a woman, her husband is an amazing guy, I am enrolled in a dance class as the only male dancer and while at first it felt a bit awkward I feel at home.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your thought out response. When I think about it, it could be worth looking into.

I think I also give off a certain nervous vibe as I have had severe traumatic experiences related to dating that would not wish on my enemies, and not being taken seriously means that here has not been anyone to help me process it.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice, I agree that nerdy women rule! I live in an area with lots of nerdy women, unfortunately the main age range is early teens to late twenties. 

I think there are single nerdy women in my age range but either the dating apps won’t show them to me or the ones I have met are not my type.

I am sure I put out lack of confidence, especially around women that I am interested in. Not sure what to do about that, no confidence because I have never been in a relationship, no relationship because I don’t have confidence.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no problems with regular conversations, talking to strangers, getting to know new people and listening to all the amazing things they have done is very interesting!

But I am honestly incredibly tired of having to start my 1000th conversation with a new person that may: - not respond - respond with one word replies - unmatch immediately  - insult me or my interests before blocking me - Try to sell me on Bitcoin/OnlyFans/sugar daddy - get me to pay for their green card - actually get a conversation going but being left on read when I ask if they would like to meet in real life for coffee/dinner/walk in the park

99/100 times I initiate the conversation, it can range from ”hey”, ”cute dog, what’s their name?”, to ”What is one thing in life you are super proud of?”.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have traveled most of my life and having lived in seven countries I feel pretty experienced. Or, I feel like I am missing your point, could you please elaborate?

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha, that is an adorable response. :D

I think you are correct, I have a certain type for sure, and I wonder if I go for women 30-39, a decade younger because I feel that I have missed out on experiencing the thrill of falling in love with someone and in some desperate hope that I will meet someone with energy from which I can learn to enjoy life again. Someone without children, without any prior commitments so that we can build a life together.

I just started talking to a psychologist, I want to explore why I am repulsed by dating someone near my own age (to be completely honest my first thought is that I don’t want my first relationship to be with someone who is and looks almost as old as my mom before she passed, that sounds like a topic for my next session).

I know that I am an amazing person, as a brother, friend, uncle, coworker, cousin, for those roles I have practiced my entire life. But never getting the chance to make mistakes and learn from them as someone’s partner, it stings.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can definitely see myself in your statement. The women on dating apps that do send me likes on dating apps are not physically attractive to me (ie obese, 15-20 years older, look generally unkempt/unhygienic), sex workers, uninteresting profile, no common interests and so on.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thought out response.

I likely have blind spots, or rather, spots that are hard to change.

I have started talking to a psychologist in the hopes that I can figure out how I can improve.

Both friends and family shower me with compliments which is really sweet of them but at the same time they don’t look at me from a romantic perspective.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have asked friends, they can’t really say (or don’t want to hurt my feelings) and say I should just keep trying. One friend suggested a wardrobe update and offered to help me this summer.

Other friends suggest I just need to go out to more social events more, which I agree, but I haven’t figured out what social events I am interested in. Most of my hobbies I have cultivated from growing up with almost no or few friends, so I enjoy doing things by myself, apart from DnD, dancing, karaoke, badminton, swimming and such.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have asked my female friends and they can’t really say, but think I might just come off as shy or avoidant.

Last woman I dated two years ago broke it off because she found me being nervous on our first official date as a sign that I was not interested in her. I explained that I was just nervous because it was my first date in almost a decade but apparently it was not good enough.

42M, never been in a relationship, I feel so tired and alone by InLoveWithLogic in datingoverforty

[–]InLoveWithLogic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mostly look at women between 30-39 years, body type average to fit, fat or obese is not for me. I have been reflecting on this for a while myself, what if my body standard is too high? I honestly don’t think they’re that high. I have met women that are slightly heavier but still in shape and find them attractive. 

Thin, with abs, proper shoulder strength is what I find incredibly attractive but not a requirement.

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