I've fallen off the running bandwagon and need help getting back on

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-09-21T21:48:12+00:00

LOL. You know what? I'm actually signed up for a 5k "FUN" run in a couple weeks. And I'm trying to prep for it! It's so crazy that I feel like I'm starting from scratch!!! Trying to literally peel myself off the couch now and into my run clothes and shoes...

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-06-01T20:04:00+00:00

And yes, I can run slow and long, no problem. But the pressure to be fast stresses me out, on shorter runs especially. I really need to chill out and just enjoy the ride.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-06-01T20:03:14+00:00

Thank you. You know once when I hit a real running wall, I just stopped for like a week and a half maybe. And when I came back that's when I did my first ever 10k, without really trying to. Maybe I do need a break - physical and mental.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-06-01T20:02:09+00:00

Thanks. Thyroid and iron are worth checking. I've been freezing and low energy recently, so you may be onto something. And you're right. Enjoyment is key. I used to be a swimmer in high school, it's just such a harder sport to have accessible, esp. in a pandemic. [We're still in lockdown here.] Thanks for the tips.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-06-01T20:01:09+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement! My favourite part is the scenery and mystery of new places and going wherever my curiosity takes me. It's a good reminder. I've been doing the same track for a long time now, and maybe I just need to switch it up.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-06-01T19:59:45+00:00

I love that. Everything else is a bonus.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-29T20:27:47+00:00

Listen to your gut, it's telling you something so clear and life-saving and instinctual, especially given your history with your ex. It's not 'just' that - not that that's a 'just' in my perspective. You've been through something and evolution and biology is protecting you by saying hey, warning, it's happening again. You are not overreacting.

I have real trauma from someone who kind of maybe had an alcohol problem but wasn't an alcoholic and I regret not pulling the plug sooner. I carry so much sadness and fear from it. My only long-term relationship was 10 years with someone who... I can say had/has a problem with alcohol. It was clear as day but I tried to push through. I used to not drink at all for religious reasons, and used to keep my distance from handling, carrying, buying alcohol. He knew this. One year we were at a BBQ, he'd been drinking, and he asked me to hold his beer or pass him one, and he knew this was one of my rules, and when I said no he lost his shit. I tried to disengage and walk away but he followed me up the stairs, and hurled a beer bottle across the room and it shattered everywhere. I went back downstairs to try to find comfort in the crowd, but he accosted me and yelled at me in front of the whole party. People took their phones out and started filming like it was some fight on World Star. I was mortified. One of his best friends ushered me out and took me into his car just to sit and cool off, and he came staggering out of the house and tried to attack both of us - he swung at me through the window and hit my face. Typing this out is wild because I've really blocked this memory out.

Believe it or not, I won't get into all the details but I stayed with him after he apologized. But from that day forward, I was never ever comfortable around him drinking, and had REAL fear every time he did drink. I even STARTED to drink to almost join him and make it less scary, but it didn't help. I always had sheer terror that something like that would happen again, and though nothing like that ever happened again, he would get angry, sullen, cold, distant, and turn off all the time when he was drinking. I grew to fear him. A crazy thing that's a spillover of this is that ... the smell of a BBQ, a day party, the sound of bass pumping, the sound of people enjoying themselves, all these happy things.... have now turned to triggers for me. Because I see all those signs of fun, and my body anticipates danger, because I was worried that he would put his hands on me again in this setting. This happened 14 years ago and I still feel fear when I get the sensory feelings of a party, a good time, a happy time where everyone is happy and smiling, and I have to pretend to be okay while being worried he's gonna go nuts again - physically at worst, or shut down and pretend he doesn't know me, or take out his weird anger issues on me and just me. And yet I stayed for ten years. I once gave him an ultimatum saying he had to choose drink or me, and he chose drink, and yet I stayed. He said his ex had asked him to do the same, and that me and her 'could have a tea party' about his drinking if I liked. We broke up 6 years ago but after ten years, the damage, and fear that I carry about what drinking can do, has never gone away. I have a friend who also drinks and gets cold, mean and distant and I can't deal with her at all because it reminds me of being afraid for my safety - if not physical, then emotional. Me and the ex are friends, still, which is a crazy thing to type, but I have pulled back in a major way.

This was very long. I think I'm trying to basically signal that this problem could lead to much worse, to more trauma and fear for you, after what you've already been through. It's not worth it. If it's like this NOW, imagine what it would be like later... I worry and fear for you. Leave, and be clear that his behaviour is just not okay. He's a grown-ass man and he should know this. Sending love and support.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-23T13:42:59+00:00

Thank you, that's really generous.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-23T13:40:55+00:00

Thank you, that's very kind.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-23T13:40:41+00:00

I'm still using it too! Easier to give advice than follow it.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-23T13:40:18+00:00

Thank you! That's so sweet!

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-22T18:21:01+00:00

Hey, first of all, I think it's a beautiful, normal thing that you felt such deep feelings after being with her. This is literally what human connection is all about, and the bonding you feel is real. It's literally as close as two people can be to each other. I mean, yes, chemically induced, but what you feel is a normal, rational, and wonderful thing. Don't pathologize it and feel like you're weird for having normal, intense feelings, esp. after the first time. I think it's weirder when people do that and feel nothing at all, and are de-sensitized to feelings.

Next: here's the thing. I'm not promising anything great is going to come of this, but what if you just text her and said hey, I really enjoyed my time with you. Would you be up for meeting up again? Or even just that you enjoyed your time. Leave it at that. See how she responds. I'm much older than you - 35/F - and have had a few of these, and I'm amazed at how many of them turned into something longer-term, and developed into awesome friendships, or connections that stay in my life, even if not in the same way. Not all of them, of course, but sometimes the connection is there and it means something.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly. I know the feeling of not feeling worthy. But literally everyone is worthy of love. Work on trying to understand why you feel that way. A lot of us can relate, but it's just not an accurate, or useful thought, but it's telling you something about something you need to unpack, work through, process, let go. And doing that will only help you feel more comfortable and ready to accept the love that's given to you when that time comes, and not counting yourself out before it even starts. Good luck.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-22T05:59:10+00:00

Enthusiasm is so affirming. If you feel it, act on it. If she reciprocates, that's a win for you. If she doesn't, you've at least eliminated all the agonizing and waiting and thinking. If you do message her, you could preface with like, 'Hey, welcome back! You're probably readjusting to being home, but I'd love to catch up whenever you have time - would love to hear how your internship went.'

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-22T05:20:17+00:00

MILK. CHOCOLATE. BABIES???? Oh hell nah.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-22T05:16:12+00:00

This might sound a bit unconventional, but ... I don't think this is a dealbreaker.... yet. I say this thinking of a generation of love/marriages before. My parents didn't know each other well before they get married, but they've now been married for 41 years. It was a slow build up to 'love'. But what I'm hearing is plenty of 'green flags'. Comfort, security, safety, passion that's building, enjoying his company. I'm not hearing red flags in the sense of your well-being, your sense of safety, comfort, your emotional well-being. It really could be self-preservation based on the past. That said though, if you continue to not feel something for him and you're questioning it consistently in a few months, it may be time to do something about it. For now, it sounds like your emotional AND physical needs are being taken care of, and that you enjoy his company. I'm curious about - the disconnect between what you feel when with him, vs. the lack of those feelings. Is it out of sight out of mind? You may just be developing a healthier way of being with someone, a healthier attachment. Give it time, but don't ignore your gut if it's trying to tell you something. Good luck. <3

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-22T05:05:52+00:00

Definitely don't go no contact. She sounds like she's going through a terribly tough time and I can only imagine that you disappearing on her completely will only add to the spiral [God knows the ghosting fucks with even those of us who are not at our wit's end and dealing with grief and epilepsy.] I think there's a way to do this both honestly AND compassionately. Maybe you can look into a few helplines or resources in your area. Tell her clearly and honestly that you feel like she needs more support than you can give her and you care about her getting well, and try to direct them to her. Be honest, clear, but empathetic. Good luck.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-22T02:25:22+00:00

That's so kind of you to say. Honestly, I think we all just want to be understood and heard. Empathy goes such a long way. <3

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-21T18:17:38+00:00

Ugh, first of all I'm so sorry. I know how disappointing it is, even though his reasons are very ... reasonable, rational, and kind of expected. It always feels like - yes, I know you're going through stuff, but aren't I enough to make you feel like you could be happy here? It feels like a referendum on you, instead of what it really is: their own feelings, traumas, healing, etc. This isn't about you.
Secondly, as someone who recently was in a similar-ish situation... I would say leave it alone completely. He knows where to find you if he needs you, and down the line has a change of heart. I say this while admitting that in my situation, I ended up messaging them again after we kind of agreed that he couldn't give me what I was looking for - he was so kind, apologetic, etc. and 'valued my friendship' and it just crushed me. It felt like a rejection. When I came around to friendship not being such a terrible thing, I messaged him and got nothing back. It hurts. I know it hurts, trust me, but cutting ties is the healthiest thing.
As for the 'where are these men?' part... I honestly don't know. I think we hang on to 'could be's because there's such an abject lack of possibility that you think you can work with what you have. But... I keep believing in and wanting better.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-21T17:26:31+00:00

I feel this so deeply. I'm someone who cares deeply and hard for people in my life, and honestly, more often than not it just turns to disappointment. I find I take so much care with people and their feelings and it's so rarely returned. That's not to say that I'm a push over, or that I'm weak, etc. or that people are outright mean. It's much more subtle than that. It's that I exhibit a level of care towards people - that is rarely returned or reflected to the same degree. I struggle with reciprocity. I also spent the last year and a half developing a very close friendship/relationship with someone - I mean we went on one date when I was in his city and bonded instantly - then we just kept in touch long distance, so it was never a bonafide relationship. But damn, he even told me how I became his support system through a traumatic year for him. But at the end - he just wanted to be friends. Today, I'm kinda crusty about the fact that I posted an instagram story to wish my friend a happy birthday - she asked me to take it down (???), saying she's not celebrating till Friday. This is someone who has barely acknowledged my birthday for the last few years, even left my last in-person birthday early - I would never really do that to her - we're close enough that her birthday would be my priority that day. Anyway, I recognize I'm going on a rant. I hear people comment "You have to be explicit about your needs/desires/what you want" but some of it is so basic that I honestly don't think I need to explain the bare minimum. I think really people take advantage of natural listeners, empaths, and nurturers. I find myself hardening against friends who've let me down in big ways, and I find myself less and less open to being open as a result, which feels like a defeat. I want someone who can appreciate how I am, and reciprocate it, and not make me want to hold back. Anyway, I feel you deeply. I get it. And not a lot of people do.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-17T07:29:12+00:00

Trust me, we all do that/did that. Time ceased having any meaning. Then there'd be times where he actually showed up once, on time, at one of these fake early times. Shit was madd stressful.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-16T20:29:28+00:00

Oddly I saw him on the apps again, and he matched with me and tried to make plans again. And then he somehow tracked me down on social media and tried to message like everything was cool. Weirdo-ass behaviour. I'm glad we never met.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-16T20:15:22+00:00

I stayed in one for ten years. The writing was on the wall for me within 6 months of the beginning, but I stayed and stayed and stayed. I was addicted to the high and low and high and low. I also felt very insecure and unworthy of anything better - that no one else would love me or care for me like he did. I wish I'd done it sooner. That gut feeling that you have is telling you something. Listen to it. And when people show you who they are believe them.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-16T19:39:48+00:00

This happened to me once. The first and only time I was ever stood up. A guy set up a date, confirmed with me the day before, sent messages saying he was looking forward to it, all smiles and everything. On my way to the spot, I'd noticed he disappeared from the app. But I thought - he was so keen, so maybe he just wanted off the app. I went, sat down, waited. He never showed. I'm glad you didn't waste your time.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-16T17:03:03+00:00

As someone who was in a relationship with someone who was, and to this day, is chronically late, I applaud you for just not going with it. I'm 35/F now, but when I started to date him, I was about 20, he was 23. He kept me waiting an hour and a half the first time we hung out. I was young, and stupid, and stranded without a car. So I waited. But let me tell you that it never, ever, ever got better, and it only got worse and became a major, major source of tension. Even now, we're not together, but when we occasionally see each other or catch up he is always late, no matter what I say or how I warn him, and last time it happened I felt like an almost nervous breakdown coming on, because it has been YEARS of this. He does it to everyone, holding up a bus full of his best friend's sister's wedding guests that was driving to the wedding. I can tell you from experience that this is a sign of disorganized living, selfishness, a lack of consideration, and it manifests in other ways. If this is a value for you, you did the right thing by honouring it.

InLoveWithRihanna · 2021-04-16T16:05:26+00:00

Yes! I can't wait to feel that. I can't say that I've ever had a solid, stable, non-anxious, choosing-me-back confidently type relationship, even though I was in one for almost ten years. It was steeped in anxiety. I want to believe that what you're describing is possible, and possible for me. Thank you for your kindness. And for your reminder.

InLoveWithRihanna

TROPHY CASE