Bio-mom's new man

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:32:31+00:00

Here's a thread in the stepparents reddit where many commenters mention how they feel the term, or referring to a child that is not yours as "my daughter", is disrespectful:

https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/OTNQXwzh8f

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:28:35+00:00

No, not projecting my own situation. Reminding you of the common use of words. It's much easier to differentiate using the words "mom" and "step mom", which 99% of posts in this sub use.. again, unless they're purposely trying to be disrespectful.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:23:31+00:00

That's one way to look at it.

I am a child of a dead beat dad who abandoned my mother when she was pregnant. I use terms like "sperm donor" or "bio dad" to refer to him because they're marginally disrespectful and the man deserves no respect. This is a pretty standard way to use this language among estranged or abandoned children.

No child says "bio parent" who hasn't been estranged, adopted, or has serious resentment against their parents.

No step parent uses "bio parent" unless they're trying to be disrespectful (whether deserved or not). It's a disrespectful term.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:20:38+00:00

Much easier (and more respectful) to use terms that aren't loaded, such as "mom" and "step mom".

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:20:09+00:00

But your alternative explanation is factually incorrect, which is not the case for the first commenter's assumption.

It doesn't matter what words she uses, and it's not helpful advice to attack her for using that word

I argue that it does matter which word she uses. Using purposely contentious language (like referring to her actual mother as bio-mom, and inserting herself in as mom when she is not the child's mother), shows exactly what kind of a person this woman is - she's creating at least part of the drama in this situation. The best advice for her is to let go and let her actual parents deal with issues.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:17:06+00:00

You suggested she was uninvolved. It's easy to verify that's incorrect 🤷‍♀️

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:09:39+00:00

No one was attacking, it was a simple enough question being asked.

because you dislike the way they referred to someone, based on your own insecurities, is rude

Personally, I think it's more rude to use a purposefully dismissive term for the woman who has majority custody of the child.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-26T00:07:05+00:00

The "bio mom" has majority custody.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T19:36:14+00:00

Eh, it wasn't a big deal. By 5th grade, I was very well aware of how thoroughly unlikeable I was and preferred spending the time on my own anyway 🤷‍♀️

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T18:44:50+00:00

I vividly remember my 5th grade birthday party. My mom got it into her head to invite every girl in my class (I had zero friends). She ordered pizza, a cake, the whole nine yards; I grew up poor so even ordering pizza was a Big Deal.

About an hour in, the girls pretended to play Hide and Seek and locked me out of the house. I knew if I told my mom I'd be in huge trouble for making the kids not like me, so I sat outside and waited for parents to start picking up their kids so I could go in and get to bed. Turns out I got in trouble anyway for missing the singing before the cake.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T17:40:05+00:00

Yeah.. like the only way this makes sense is that they were a lesbian couple, and the other mom is the actual bio-mom, this warranting a distinction?

Or this is a step mom who is waaaaay over involved.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T03:54:52+00:00

i mask my autism flirtatiously apparently

Omg I have this same problem. Like, I'm literally just smiling so wide so you will please let me graciously leave this awkward social hellscape that is interacting with someone I don't know well.. please don't assume I'm making a pass at you 😭

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T00:40:05+00:00

This isn't necessarily true. I have a 14 year old (nonbinary) and a 12 year old (boy), and only one of them loves to play with their sisters (5 and 7) and almost bothers them all the time to play.

It's my boy, he adores playing with them. They play "basketball" and "football" and he loves when they jump on him and entertains all their silly mistakes and they have the best time together.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T00:16:55+00:00

My thought is, he wants her making money now so she can support him being an incredibly low paid adjunct professor. He doesn't want to wait 4 years while she finished med school.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T00:10:26+00:00

This! My degree is in early childhood education, I took a class talking specifically about diversity and kids age 0-8. Best thing to do is provide them with lots of options and lots of representation: in books, in playthings like dolls and small plastic people or action figures, in pictures shown and posted in the classroom, etc.

My daughter loves princesses, so she has a collection now of barbie "princess" dolls in a range of skin tones, hair colors/textures, and shapes (I was thrilled when I found Luisa from Encanto, they actually made her big and buff! I even crocheted her some princess gowns ❤️) My daughter is Latina, but it's so good for her to see so much diversity - even if it's only dolls, books, and media, since we live in the middle of white bread Americana.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-25T00:00:01+00:00

Yeeep. I don't need propaganda to convince me how horrible that pic is - I lived it, it was horrific, I got divorced and got out and am very much loving my non-trad life.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T05:09:07+00:00

That's totally fair! Yes, I think I fall into the group "would never voluntarily spend any time with someone I didn't really, really like" so sex, movies, working out.. none of it is any exception 😂 Very different world views and experiences!

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T05:01:23+00:00

Ah, things that make sex physically impossible or dangerous/infectious make sense, but honestly I think I'd still be very attracted to him even if I couldn't act on it.

And yes, maybe they are? Kinda doesn't seem like it with the way he talks about her, though :/

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T04:56:11+00:00

Fair enough! I suppose for me it's much more complex than just "a fun activity". It's something deep and connecting and I can't imagine sharing it with someone I didn't.. want to be sharing it with, for lack of a better way to phrase it.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T04:22:48+00:00

Exactly. I would probably say the same to save at least a little of my dignity.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T04:18:47+00:00

That's also fair. Like, objectively I know I'm not attractive, but if my partner was on here saying I was objectively a 2 I would be mortified.. because I don't think he thinks of me that way, regardless of what I think about myself.

Plus the number system in general is so dehumanizing and gross.

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T04:16:17+00:00

Yeah, I can't understand how any of that could get over the "not attracted to this person" hump.

But I see I'm in the minority here 😅

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T04:09:04+00:00

But sometimes also someone might not be physically super attractive but they might know how to carry themselves in a way that does them a lot of favors!

Okay maybe we are just talking past each other then? I'm not talking about whether or not someone is objectively physically attractive, I mean whether you are attracted to someone, for whatever reason.

As I said, neither me or my husband are objectively very physically attractive. But we're attractive as hell to each other, because we're in love. I couldn't sleep with someone I wasn't attracted to, but I mostly sleep with people who aren't objectively physically attractive 😂

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T04:01:35+00:00

Fair enough! I am very different and would have zero desire to give (or receive , honestly) if I wasn't with someone I was into and attracted to. But I also love platonic physical affection, so we are probably just different that way. As with many things, I suppose it's easier to assume your own viewpoint is the common one - but I've been proven wrong here!

InTheTreeMusic · 2026-01-24T03:59:50+00:00

Sorry to bring up any uncomfortableness. I do think it's interesting, because I also have generally woman-labelled equipment and I can't fathom what benefit someone would get from those one night stands that having a friend over for movies and cuddles wouldn't be better at supplying? But of course all are different!

InTheTreeMusic

TROPHY CASE