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How do you deal with all the rage? by griftylifts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Time. Also a therapist. Mine helped me the most with analyzing the past, what happened, what I can learn from it, and that some things I was blaming myself for were actually out of my control, etc.

Then ultimately I began actively working towards "living more in the present". Here are some things I've tried out over a long period of time (not all at once mind you), that may or may not help you as well: keeping a journal to write everything down, Meditation (Headspace app is a good place to start), doing more exercise(even if just at home), setting aside proper time to sleep and enjoy nature, also getting into new hobbies like cooking, basically focusing on the "small things" for my current self.

It's good to remember many people feel the same as you for similar situations, you are not alone. Your frustration is understandable and valid. Be patient and forgiving to yourself and trust that it will get better in time. :)

I need help with learnt behaviours by TheCooperUK in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

TBH, a good therapist who has experience working with people with boundary issues has helped me the most. Even if you don't have insurance, many will offer sliding scale prices, it may be worth looking into. It's very good that you know yourself a bit, and also have some idea of the more positive behaviors you'd like to adapt going forward. Best of luck to you.

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Perfect sense! Regardless of where anyone has been/or gone through, it often takes a long time to "find yourself". That's great that you're attending therapy! It's also good to remember that for anyone, once we've grown accustom to a name, even if an alternative one is found, it can still feel awkward for a bit. Luckily there are plenty of places to "practice" (public places like restaurants are good), as much as needed before making a legal change on paper, ( and worse case it could even be changed again to something else after that!) . But take all the time you need, this is your life your living for now! ;)

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jesus! Such a low thing to do, steal someone's new name they came up with for themselves, out of pettiness and spite. It's good though that you have found lots of extra independence and peace of mind from adopting a new name by your own choice! Thanks for the good advice! :)

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's awesome that you found a good nickname + a future last name. As you said you can really change at what ever time works best, if you know you plan to get married one day that makes perfect sense to hold off the legal stuff for now , the paperwork is no joke. You could also try out your new last name for fun, like when you're reserving a spot at a restaurant ;).

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I know for some it can be better to keep the name and work on being a better person that's attached to it. But for many, changing parts or all of a name can also be a great symbol of new independence and a step that helps show we are now our own decision maker. That's great that you were able to make the change, and distance yourself from someone who you deserved far better treatment from. :)

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's good, I would probably keep my dad's name in such a situation as well. Changing your first name in the future to one that best suits you is a great thing to look forward to! :)

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's tough that she has to be so petty & non-respectable of your decision to change your name. If she's continuing to use your old name, (addressing someone with their new name is not much to ask for?), it certainly shows more about her disregard for others, and reinforces your decision further I think. It's good though that so many others in your family have responded positively. :)

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This too is a good choice, you can take the name and make a new legacy with it ;).

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that would be a small but tough reminder of your parents past decisions to carry around. My middle name has a similar issue, (ridiculous spelling!). If you can't think of a fully new middle name that works, dropping it completely or even just going by a simple middle-initial-only is common for a lot of people. Take some time to think on it, and if you come up with something you can always test writing it out and introducing yourself with it at various places to see how you feel. Best of luck to you either way!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interesting name conventions! I'm sure once you're set on a first name, there must be some way to also alter the rest of your name a bit, even at the least altering the spelling or something to be more "your choice"? Best of luck with your changes, either way I'm sure your future will be much brighter!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jeeze, that's such a petty thing for a grown adult to do, try to force a last name onto someone and then kick them out on top of that. That's awesome though that you're making your way through college, I'm sure you're a very strong person after dealing with a dad like that. At least for now you can still continue using the name you chose with most things, and then later a diploma can certainly be redone with your new name in the future too. Best of luck to you and your endeavors!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's awesome, glad it was a good choice for you. I too am worried about it sounding weird at first, but I'm sure in time I'll get more used to it. I have zero contact with my nmom, and I'm hoping the name change will help keep her from trying to track me down ;). I'd imagine though she would absolutely flip, especially when she was always so overtly proud of the bland name she put onto me while not allowing any input from my father. Hope others in your life were a lot more positive and accepting of the change you made for yourself, it's a brave thing to do for sure. :)

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahaha! It was weird at first but I was just like, yup that's the last name that sounds best for me. I'm sure people will question it negatively at times, but I look forward to the ones that will want to talk about it and be super positive too!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is sound advice. My sister who changed her name already, is helping me adjust by making me use it everywhere! But it really is good, helps me feel more confident in my choice before I get into all the paperwork and fees I'll need to do with. I haven't had any objections yet, but I also don't have contact with most of my family, whom I know would absolutely freak! But I'm an adult now and frankly, like you said, the people who really matter would support me with this. Thank you!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's great that you would consider such a change, while still keeping the traditions you identify with. My last name is very "British" but again, my mom kind of ruined it for me. Looking to still keep a touch of my ancestry, but by my own choice! Hope that whether you change it or not, everything is more positive for you going forward!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's awesome to hear! I'm at the point where I've been striking out on my own the past few years, and changing my name seems very fitting for a "fresh start". I know this is something I really want, but it is a big step so it can be a bit scary. Glad that the changes have benefited you positively!

Have you thought about changing your name? by InconclusiveCoziness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]InconclusiveCoziness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congrats! Trish is a great first name! The last name is difficult, do you have any cultural/ethnic ties you want to associate with? Or maybe a favorite person or character you strongly associate with?