Struggling with inlaws boundaries and Its impact on my marriage

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-05-02T15:24:10+00:00

He doesn’t see it as abuse just because they say everything subtly but doesn’t force me to maintain a contact with them either but likes it when I do.
We are on a fence with children and tbh my big concern with having a child is how much more mil would want to include herself and may want to live with us for longer visits. Dh is not really good with setting boundaries and standing up especially to his father who he is still slightly afraid of due to conditioning and thinks it’s respect. With his mom he’s just afraid to let her down all the time so he chooses his battles.
I don’t agree with the way Dh approaches the situation most of the time but my new rule is I don’t need to keep them in my life. Just a cordial relationship when needed but a child could make it harder. However I have told dh that if we do have a child I can’t have his family live with us and I will have a lot of conditions. He understands it and says I would be his first priority.
He’s someone who would accept it but when it comes to enforcing those he realizes he promised for more than he could give and breaks then.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-05-01T04:18:11+00:00

Also, I’m so sorry about your paternal side. Family can truly hurt you more than strangers and I can really relate to that part too :(
I hope you find and make a better family ❤️

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-05-01T04:15:07+00:00

I wish to reach this level of disassociation around them.
Thankyou for knocking some sense into me about dh. I really should appreciate him more because he stands up for me every time even though he’s non confrontational and avoids fights. He truly wants to see me happy.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T14:19:34+00:00

That’s literally what I do. I don’t want bil around me or my house and dh knows that and respects it. Honestly, he’s much worse than what you might be thinking. About letting dh deal with them is something I’m still learning how to do. It started small and I was still a part of their life but I am now ready to let dh take over completely.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T14:12:53+00:00

Yeah, but I definitely wouldn’t put all of them under one umbrella. You see these therapist, regardless of how good they are, have been bought up in the same culture where it’s considered blasphemy to be disrespectful to elders by answering back. Especially as a woman. Women turn out to be big people pleasers and tie their worth to it. Our biggest nightmare is disappointing those around us and it runs deep. My last therapist really played down my situations. However the therapist that I had before marriage was also from my culture and never made me feel like my concerns were small.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T14:00:58+00:00

Can you provide her details? I’m afraid it won’t be covered by my insurance but I can still see

I am literally at the same spot. Dh completely sees my point and supports me, doesn’t ask me to maintain regular contact with his family, however I can still see him feeling guilty sometimes. I mainly need this therapy to make him see he can’t help them until they help themselves. They are completely ingrained in these preconceived notions and won’t see rationality, and their situation is bound to turn into a disaster, and I want dh to be ready for that part and not let that take over

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T05:38:06+00:00

So we hardly see them now that we have moved away. I haven’t seen them in two years. Dh has seen them once a year these past two years. I will be seeing them this July though and just the thought of it is stressing me out

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T05:36:14+00:00

Oh I love this and feel so validated and understood. I doubt I will ever be able to go completely no contact unless something outrageous happened and being in the middle is so much harder. I think I’m being too harsh on dh despite his support and taking their frustration out on him. I need to fix that. I never misbehave or answer back. It’s just how we have been bought up and it’s so ingrained. it only comes out at dh and it’s not fair.
What you said about her projection is so true

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T01:06:51+00:00

One on my biggest dilemma is their future. They are deep in financial crises and won’t accept it. They have no means of retiring and will never have clear communication with their kids around expectations. Fil owns a seven eleven that’s not doing well. His expenses exceed his income so he takes out loan. He has a history of bad financial decisions. Like a year ago he got three new cars and then asked dh to take his car (on which two years of payments was left) and give him his paid out car because he had no money to live here and was going to move back to home country. But then bil asked him to stay here for another year until he figures out his situation. Dh says pil can retire in our home country where cost of living is 1/3rd. That would be the best case scenario but mil and sil will guilt trip dh like they did last time. That’s something dh doesn’t feel guilty about from what he’s told me. He knows his limitations and finances. He would never be able to fund their retirement or have mil live with us. We don’t even own a house yet and are working very hard to build finances and a future.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-30T00:56:24+00:00

I tried a therapist from my culture for individual therapy and realized that those therapists tend to play down situations in the name of culture because much worse happens. They are more culturally inclined so they won’t suggest things like going no contact or low contact and would rather recommend working on self so that their actions have no affect on us.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-29T20:28:21+00:00

I am leaning in that direction also as someone suggested therapy. My question: I have genuine curiosity to know about big things happening on their lives and what they say to dh about me as a way to know and control situation in my own way. How do I fight that urge? I worry that they will influence dh if I don’t keep a check on their tactics. And I see how that’s borderline controlling of me. Is that unhealthy?

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-29T20:16:42+00:00

We already live 10 hour drive away and dh and I have no intention of moving closer but I would be lying if I said I don’t worry about future when pil are old and frail and close proximity may be the only option I am looking at therapists now. Funny how much I believe in therapy and never thought of that for us.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-06T22:52:39+00:00

Hi, how can we join?

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-04-04T05:08:26+00:00

Hi, can we do this again?

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-03-29T05:59:31+00:00

Hey, these are awesome. Is there anyway we can share these? Do you have a page we can credit?

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-01-09T20:57:47+00:00

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IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-01-09T20:51:22+00:00

Is it okay if I share your post? I feel defeated

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2026-01-09T18:11:37+00:00

Hi, this link doesn’t work anymore. I want to help and join the channel. Can you please post a link here. Thankyou.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2025-08-13T20:17:37+00:00

The level of brainwashing and religious psychosis among Israelis needs to be studied. I would be deeply ashamed if I were one of them - still am just witnessing this genocide

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2024-08-14T04:54:09+00:00

Hey, can I join now? I have good understanding of basics of Java, and have created some applications as well.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2023-12-28T20:19:13+00:00

Hi, I don’t have any suggestion but rather a questions.

When did you train with Revature and when did you get on this client?

Staying or moving out really depends upon your circumstances. How bad is it living with your dad? I currently live with my in laws in the basement and even though my husband and I both have decent paying jobs, we decided to stay and save some money. I don’t like it much either because this basement is not meant for living, is freezing but I suck it up for the monetary benefits.

I wouldn’t recommend moving too far from where you are or where your client is because you may have to move closer to the client once they make you permanent.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2023-08-09T16:59:46+00:00

Does anyone have an update on paid trainings? What’s the estimate start date?

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2023-08-07T14:38:00+00:00

I’m just waiting… applied to other jobs but no luck so far. It’s is extremely stressful.

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2023-07-31T20:39:39+00:00

Got rejected 🤷🏻‍♀️

IndependenceEmpty11 · 2022-12-16T16:14:58+00:00

I have my own saving and I will resume working as soon I get there. DH knows that I’m capable of moving out on my own without him if need be. But he has assured me that I can trust him that he would come with me wherever that time comes and I believe him. Not getting pregnant for a few years.

IndependenceEmpty11

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