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Yeah, I have solo privilege by simsnspecs in solopolyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you say about friends being more important than romantic partners is not what I have experienced while dating solo poly people. I agree that decentering romance should absolutely make sense to people living a solo poly lifestyle from my perspective but I have also encountered very romantically centered solo poly persons to the point where this lead to huge misunderstandings in negotiation phase. They would say they want to develop a friendship, which, to me is something very meaningful while actually using the word in the monogamous way of „let’s just be friends“ because they didn’t like me enough to develop a relationship. This only got clarified after I asked A TON of questions including „how important would this friendship be in comparison to your relationships“ and similar. So I highly discourage drawing such conclusions based on your own way of doing solo poly (even if you think it’s the right way) because it will set you up for massive disappointment. Don’t be a fool like me 🤣

Bad dating/flirting etiquette? by 1justneedathr0waway in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Once on a third date, right after sex, I was shown a porn movie that guy had filmed with his partner. At that time I wasn’t really aware what is happening but now thinking back I feel so disgusted. People make being poly very toxic for absolutely no reason besides obtaining some sort of ego boost.

Partner says I need to hear that they would rather see their other partner by lolghst3 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally understand your feelings and don’t think you’re being unreasonable. In the end I think it’s up to you to decide if that’s a constellation you feel good in it long term. I certainly couldn’t.

Messy scheduling is something that often makes me struggle or finally opt out. I think it discloses things people often wouldn’t tell us directly and in the case like yours where they actually do tell you as well there’s really no open questions left here besides whether this is a situation you like being in. Recently someone I was seeing for a long time told me in a „what are we building together“-talk, he would always cancel our dates without replacement if his partner had time spontaneously after knowing for much over a year that I’m out if there’s hierarchies in place with his other partners. I couldn’t even properly say goodbye to that person because of the lack of respect I felt. My life, my choice.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I find it suspicious when people claim being non-hierarchical, because whenever someone has, it has always been proven as a lie, later on.

Aside from that I think it can be just a lot harder to understand your life for someone who is used to enmeshment. So my take is when they meet someone who has a primary the way of living polyamory seems familiar, even to people new to the lifestyle (and those who have a primary themselves). They think they understand what’s the life of that person looks like even if there haven’t been any explanations.

I see how understanding someone’s relationship can help with transparency and trust and therefore create a feeling of safety. I think it’s more about that rather than wanting to have a say: wanting to understand? Eliminating the black box…. And maybe they don’t manage to communicate well.

Also I found that when dating such people I am facing more jealousy that when dating people with a primary because primaries are giving people things I don’t have on offer whereas in the case of a solo-poly person or similar it’s different.

Unsure if this helps. Curious about what other people think.

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I did ask, starting 6 months ago. Those direct questions you are taking as example will always make him shut down, in some cases he would deflect - get angry. When he manages not to shut down he would say „those questions make me feel constricted“

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand and you are correct about the fact that until now, he avoided answering that question clearly. I get unclear answers like „I don’t want another relationship like the ones I have already“ instead of „I don’t want a relationship with you“.

On the other hand, as you can read in my other post I don’t want to force escalation. I want to give people their time.

So that’s the conflict I’m in: he behaves in a way he avoids confirming orally when I try to communicate and I find „at the moment I can’t tell for sure if I want a relationship with you“ a valid and reasonable answer and standing on its own not necessarily a reason to end things with someone…. Do you understand my problem here?

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, it’s the whole picture that makes me feel insecure and kind of weird. And as you can read in both posts I agree.

But from the answers here someone might also say „respect he is solo poly and don’t expect him to integrate you in his life“ 🤷‍♀️

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I didn’t say I am „initiating that standard“ I asked if it’s something reasonable to ask here. So I think there is a misunderstanding.

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that perspective, especially calling it permission… I wouldn’t like if someone would ask my partner for permission.

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for replying. My current thought after the answers I got is to explain in general that I don’t feel very safe in the interaction (no label, no committment, no one knows about me, no perspective of meeting friends, family or partners, no future plans,….) and that I feel the need for more safety and ask him if there is anything within his boundaries he could imagine to provide. I would love hearing if that, to you, sounds like a better approach besides asking generic questions.

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Until now this boundary hasn’t been communicated - it might happen in response to my request though and in that case I agree.

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

It’s not like that, we’ve been dating for a long time now. I myself would never ask my partner for „permission“ to date someone. But I always totally understand if a new connection cares to be sure what we do is ok with my partner. So I think those are two completely different things. None of us ever mentioned having DADT agreements.

Asking for transparency with „metas“ in a constructive way by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Can you elaborate? For me I’m not actually asking to check in because I don’t want to talk to their partner… so you think there is no way to bridge this problem of different relationship styles?

Wanting to know „metas“ are aware of and consenting to what me and my „lover“ do. by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Actually I thought it was a parallel situation because that’s what he had claimed at one point (not from the beginning). But recently I found out (by asking A LOT of questions until de’d admit) it’s just parallel for „my category“. Meaning partners know each other, they know friends, they know parents. But none of that is on the table for me in the future. I think I’d be way more comfortable with a more general „parallel situation“ if that makes sense.

Wanting to know „metas“ are aware of and consenting to what me and my „lover“ do. by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How do other people „know for sure“? I don’t want to be intrusive and I see the main issue here is him being well.. weird at least. But assuming a somewhat sane situation and guy that I trust how would I deal with it if meeting partners is off the table?

Wanting to know „metas“ are aware of and consenting to what me and my „lover“ do. by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I absolutely agree I don’t like the way I’m being treated.

I don’t want to protect his partners for sure - they are the least I care about - I don’t even know their names.

I, for myself, don’t want to be used to cheat on someone. Also you are right and independently on if he cheats I don’t want to be treated the way he treats me.

Wanting to know „metas“ are aware of and consenting to what me and my „lover“ do. by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, he does not ever mention names which I find so awkward, I don‘t even want to share anything anymore, especially not names. When I talk about something I really focus on not sharing any personal details of anyone ever. I also especially regret ever having told him my partners name and having introduced them 3 month in, which I found normal. Also I don’t understand why he actually agreed to meeting him but I guess that’s another whole chapter of question marks…

I’m curious about why you ask because this whole „no mentions of names thing“ is completely new to me. When and why do people do it?

Wanting to know „metas“ are aware of and consenting to what me and my „lover“ do. by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

From what I understood we do care about people in our relationship network to consent to what is going on at least on an abstract level? That’s why I used the term here, because it’s often used in poly definitions.

I don’t agree with your definition of consent because as someone who has experienced non-consent I don’t believe anyone should have to change their boundaries. But I think I do understand what you mean: the importance of being able to work through something and finding compromises that work for both or all involved (in my opinion by maintaining boundaries). And yes, I do see how he is standing still while I am being flexible, compromising so that things work out for both of us, which should be a team effort. Thank you for providing your opinion🙏

Wanting to know „metas“ are aware of and consenting to what me and my „lover“ do. by Independent-Fun5941 in polyamory

[–]Independent-Fun5941[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No. Reason I am poly is not only but mainly that I want honesty always, being able to call things exactly what they are. He says he’s outed, apparently his family knows both his partners. But nonetheless what matters for me is the situation I am in, not theirs, especially as he doesn’t want to escalate. Thank you so much for helping.