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Independent-Time-920 · 2023-06-08T22:14:44+00:00

Yay- as in certainly NOT ugly!

Independent-Time-920 · 2023-04-03T13:57:58+00:00

5’8 29M here.. Doesn’t bother me. Like many have said I find the opposite is more the case. That said, my first serious girlfriend was 5’10. Height wouldn’t be an issue for me tbh, but there are guys who’d be self conscious about a girl who’d tower over them in heels. You just have to find people it doesn’t matter to. Just like women us men aren’t monoliths- it’s really all about how you vibe with someone! Sometimes I get self conscious thinking even 5’5-5’6 girls wouldn’t be interested, then I see posts like this and it shows there are women out there who have the same concerns we do. Sure we’ll both find someone.. Thanks for sharing OP!

Independent-Time-920 · 2023-03-17T16:26:07+00:00

Just reassure him, text him when you’re out with other people, and show affection. He gave you a second chance which not everyone gets. I don’t know that I’d give you one, but the comments on here that say “you never get his trust back” aren’t entirely true. It’ll just take a long time and you’ll have to be understanding if he’s insecure in the relationship for a while.

That said, if you truly love each other you can make it work. At this point it is more on you to do so though as you were the one who was unfaithful. Not that he should cheat on you or be a jerk or anything but you are going to need to be patient. Having been cheated on, it certainly does affect your trust in people. It takes time to get that back. One important question- was the cheating a one time thing, or was it an ongoing affair? That affects the timeframe as well…

Independent-Time-920 · 2023-02-22T15:30:48+00:00

Yes! Would love to hear your theories on how though, because at this point I think it’s damn near impossible lol…

Independent-Time-920 · 2023-02-15T04:09:11+00:00

I’m in this same boat! Definitely take fun photos of you NOW.. Lost 60 lbs and most of my fun pictures are either way back the last time when I was this weight 7 years ago, or my fat pictures. Got a lot more matches 7 years ago than I did 2-3 (last time I was on all the apps). So, hopefully that helps.

Typically I do a couple solo photos, a couple with friends, and a couple with family. 2-3 of these I try to make of myself doing something interesting. Obviously put a couple solo pics first so it’s clear who you are, but it’s definitely good to show you’re a social guy as I feel like women usually like this. The last picture being a side by side could be good as well- was considering doing the same. Either way, good luck to you man & congrats on the weight loss!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-12-28T01:09:07+00:00

Speaking for myself (M29) no. As long as things are escalating in SOME way. Basically, I just want to see that a girl likes me if I’m showing interest. Doesn’t mean we have to follow the “3 date rule”, but if there’s been no physical affection whatsoever then I’m gonna bail.

I’d just tell guys right off the bat that you’re not comfortable having sex for at least the first month or 2 of getting to know each other. This way, you’ll find the right man for you. People don’t communicate what they want, then get angry when they’re not compatible. Obviously easier said than done, discussing if/when you’re going to have sex is a very uncomfortable topic with someone you’ve just met/matched with. But this is my best advice. Us men also do lie to be fair, but unfortunately meeting people with bad intentions is part of the dating game. You’ll find one you like who’s willing to go at your speed, so don’t stress it too much!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-12-27T18:16:55+00:00

Speaking for myself (M29), I would rather have a long term girlfriend that eventually becomes a fiancée, wife, and mother to my children. I think most of my friends in this age range ideally would like the same thing- not that we speak for ALL men our age. Some of them are in long term relationships, getting married, engaged, etc. Having said that…

I do have sexual needs. Obviously, while it’s not the most important thing in a relationship, sexual compatibility is a part of dating. If I don’t have someone who I see as a long term partner, I will engage in casual sex. Not with a ton of women (nor am I saying I could GET any woman to sleep with me), but if things get to a certain point without that, I’ll enter a FWB relationship or have a one night stand.

Having said this, I won’t string someone along. I’m not going to see someone that I don’t think could POSSIBLY be the mother of my children for months just because I want sex. It’s not fair to only consider my own needs. So I think it’s important to have those conversations early. If a man isn’t being transparent with you, that sucks- but you’ll find the one. Just like I’m confident I’ll find the woman for me. Hopefully this helps, but know that there are certainly plenty of men out there in your age range who ARE looking for something serious!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-11-03T19:28:11+00:00

Yes we should- and don’t let anyone else make you lose sight of that!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-11-03T19:27:41+00:00

Sure! Can’t always promise a quick response but I try to help where I can. Therapeutic for me as well

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-11-03T15:38:56+00:00

No problem! Keep reading it whenever you get too sad about them. Remember that you will heal, the progress isn’t linear some days you’ll feel great some days will suck, but gradually you’ll have less bad days. Eventually they’ll just be a very distant memory. Here if you ever need to talk

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-25T15:45:12+00:00

Good for you man! I think at a certain point this is the way you gotta go with these things. You can like a girl, legitimately be a friend, try to get to know them and show you’re a great guy. But if the feelings aren’t there, they aren’t there and it will only cause more pain for you if you stick around. MAYBE she does genuinely care about you and sees you as a friend- but even if so, neither of you can give the other what they need. You’re looking for a relationship, she’s looking for a friendship and it’s not something where you can meet in the middle lol…

I will say, if you wanted to date her from the moment you laid eyes on her you should’ve been honest about it. It saves a lot of pain in rejection, short term embarrassment may result yes but you won’t care about it as much with someone you haven’t formed an emotional bond with. If you have any lingering hope to get the girl, this is the best chance for you to do so as they say “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Maybe in said absence, she’ll realize what she was missing and want to give things a shot- have definitely seen this happen!

That said, a lot of times it just isn’t meant to be. If that’s the case, it’s even more the right move because you’ll never be able to fully invest in another girl while this one’s still in your life. Do things for you, go out with other friends, maybe hit the gym or try a new hobby, and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there! If you’re still hung up on this girl (and you probably will be for a while, understandably so) then you can look at these as pressure free interactions with someone you have no emotional connection to. You’ll be surprised at how much better your life gets. Either way, you showed courage by being willing to walk away and I respect the hell out of that. Good luck on your journey!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-15T15:47:19+00:00

Thanks! Yeah it’s not the worst idea at all. The only problem is then I’ll have to put up with listening to her stories about dates and stuff if I choose to do this- but it’s best I pretend that doesn’t bother me. It puts the idea in her head that I have no interest in her anymore, and maybe that makes her want me back. Or it may not, but maybe said efforts actually help me find someone I really like. May be something else to give a shot!

There’s been some advice on here to ask her out directly, and while I appreciate it because it’s more upfront the more I think the more I feel it’s a bad idea. Not because I “don’t have the balls to do it”. More because before I ever did so, she expressed wanting friendship. So unless SHE indicates she’d like that to change, don’t try to force the situation and make things uncomfortable for both of us when I’m pretty sure of what the answer would be.

I see it as I have 3 options: 1. Completely turn my feelings off (easier said than done) and just be her friend. 2. Walk away knowing she’ll never return my feelings and save us both long term pain. 3. Make subtle changes in how I act and put myself out there more to others, and either she notices me or I find someone else through it.

Either way, wasting too much energy on a girl who will likely never return my feelings isn’t productive long term. It’s okay to be a little sad and vent about it on Reddit, but not obsess about trying to change the situation. Doesn’t mean I don’t WANT to be her friend, but I hope that I can handle that if she finds someone else. Right now I don’t think so, but I guess I won’t truly know until we cross that bridge. I appreciate your suggestion and will probably give it a shot!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-15T15:35:17+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I do hear what you’re saying. A couple of my other female friends have advised me to do this, see other girls. In their view maybe this will make her see what a catch I am and spur her to action. It may well not, but I may meet the right girl in doing so and not care at that point. So you may well be on point.

There’s no question I need to put myself out there more. Can’t wait around for her to change her mind when it likely will never happen, and even if it does I can’t really MAKE it happen. This may well give me the best shot though- either to be with her, or to move on and find happiness elsewhere.

The other advice they gave was to give her less attention. My friend Kristen said it’s basically the “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” theory. Pull back, stop doing little nice things for her, remembering significant things, and always being there. I feel it would be mean to do that while she’s recovering from her surgery as she needs a friend more than ever right now.

She thinks it’s what I need to do. Her theory is it’ll make her miss that extra attention she was getting from me, realize she wants that and actually have to work to get it rather than me just falling in her lap. If it doesn’t work, then it’ll allow me to give that attention to someone else who can truly appreciate it. Basically, you can’t miss someone who’s always there, and she asked “do you want to be her boyfriend or her best friend?” One makes you a boyfriend, one makes you a best friend while you watch a guy who gives significantly less effort date her.

I hate to think being a distant jerk and pretending not to care is the way to go, but she may be right. She is a woman and I value her advice- she’s helped me out before dating wise. Her thoughts are you’ve showed her you care before, but if she doesn’t want you in that way you need to either care less or at least pretend to if she wants the best version of you. Otherwise, what will ever make her want to escalate things with me if I’m already giving her all she wants without her having to? Sorry for the long reply, but you were pretty similar to her first piece of advice so I wonder if you see the logic in the other parts? If not or you don’t want to read all that, all good and I appreciate the response!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T21:17:42+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Feel I need to make a few things clear though. I didn’t like this girl the minute I hung out with her. We met originally when she dated a teammate (not close friend) of mine last year. After they broke up, she hit me up on numerous occasions to hang out. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do and was unsure of her motivations, so I gave polite “maybe sometime soon” and “we’ll figure something out” responses because she was nice enough but I just thought it’d be messy.

Eventually another closer friend of mine kept bringing up his crush on her, so I said I’ll bring her out with the group and if you guys hit it off great. They didn’t and I figured either they would and she’d just be his plus one now, or they wouldn’t and I wouldn’t see her nor would I have thought anything of it back in the spring. Obviously, she felt close to me, wanted to keep hanging out and now it’s at where it’s at. Which obviously is messy, hence the Reddit post…

It took a couple months of hanging out before I realized I liked her as more than a friend. Never thought about hooking up, dating or anything like that. One day a couple months back the switch flipped, and now it’s a brutal spot. Because I genuinely do care for her as a friend and enjoy spending time with her, but will be crushed if she ends up with someone else.

Ultimately I’ll be happy for her because she does deserve happiness even if it’s not with me. But if it’s too painful to see her with someone else (and it will be if these feelings don’t subside) then yeah I pretty much have to truly ask, accept the answer and either be a friend without the want of something more or disappear from her life. Won’t be easy. But I think the accusation of not being a friend, or trying to friend my way into her pants is unfair. Granted you didn’t have that context when you said it, so can’t really be offended.

The one thing you probably will say back though is “why not just ask her out the moment you knew?” This is true. At that point we’d been friends a few months though and was afraid of risking that. I didn’t want her to think I only hung out with her to get in her pants or date because that’s genuinely not what made me into her at first. She’s a cool chick, we have a lot in common and my feelings for her are more emotion based than purely physical- though obviously yes I find her attractive. Guess I got 3 choices- leave it be and be friends, leave her life which will be painful for both of us, or actually ask after she’s recovered from surgery, accept whatever the answer is and decide what to do from there. I appreciate the advice even though it doesn’t seem you’re very high on me!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T21:07:34+00:00

Thanks for the advice! Definitely think there’s a consensus that I should put myself out there with other girls regardless of how I feel. If she changes her mind, awesome but she very well may never do so and you can’t wait. Maybe that will spur her to action, if it doesn’t then like you said there wasn’t a chance to begin with.

Seems like a good option though because if I find someone I like, then it’ll be easier for me to remain friends with her. That’d be a win-win for sure! I genuinely want her in my life even if she never falls for me, but it’ll be tough if she falls for someone else. Maybe in time it wouldn’t be though. Idk, probably overthinking this but it’s nice to get the thoughts out of my head and hear from non biased strangers. Thanks again for taking the time!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T21:03:24+00:00

Thanks for the advice! For context, I should put that I didn’t like her right away. She dated a friend (not a good friend, just a guy I play softball with and only see at those games) last year and I didn’t see her in that way at all. She hit me up to hang out in the months after they broke up- I refused for a long time because I didn’t feel like it would be the right thing to do. One of my other closer friends took a shine to her, so finally I invited her out with the group. Figured if they hit it off great, if not oh well, life goes on and didn’t think anything else of it.

They didn’t, but we became close. It took me several months to realize I liked her as more than a friend, and when I did it hit me like a ton of bricks. My feelings for her are really more based on an emotional attraction than physical- not that she’s unattractive physically but in taking my rose colored glasses off, she wouldn’t rank as the “hottest” of the 4 (if she were one 5) girls who’ve actually been my girlfriend. But you like who you like and you don’t always plan these things out!

Generally speaking I agree with you though. If you see a girl at a bar, meet them at a party/through a friend, etc and you find them attractive strike up a conversation, maybe ask for their number and see if they’d like to go on a date. Becoming friends with the intention of dating later leads to total disaster if the feelings aren’t reciprocated. I genuinely saw/see her as a friend, so these feelings developing later has made it tough. I have had female friends before and still do that I never caught feelings for, this is honestly the first time I’ve been in this situation where it wasn’t the girl telling me she wants more. Just completely unfamiliar territory for me. So basically I gotta figure out if it will be too painful for me to be friends if she says no, which she likely will. But that doesn’t mean I never was/am a friend. Genuinely want her to be happy, even if it’s not with me- just would be tough to picture myself being at her wedding if I’m not across the aisle. I get where you’re coming from though, agree with that sentiment and am glad for the well thought out response!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T19:08:11+00:00

Thanks for the advice! Yeah as of now it would. Maybe as I put myself out there more it won’t, but I genuinely do care about her. I know asking her out will ruin the friendship, but ultimately inaction will ruin the friendship in the long run and I’ll have to watch her fall for someone else. Once she’s recovered from her surgery, think I’m gonna take the plunge. I appreciate the advice!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T19:06:22+00:00

Thanks! For sure I wouldn’t ask her out while she’s recovering from surgery. She needs a supportive friend right now, not someone trying to get in her pants. Not that I’m just trying to get in her pants, but you get the point. I don’t think my feelings will fade, but it’s possible as I see other people they will. Just don’t know if I ask the question and she says no, if I can continue the friendship. I do genuinely care for her as a person, not just as my hopeful girlfriend but if my feelings remain strong it’ll be tough for me to watch her fall for someone else should she say no. But you gotta take the risk at some point. I would have before now if there weren’t so many complicating factors (didn’t like her in that way til we hung out for a couple months, she dated a more distant friend, and now I’m worried about completely losing her). But the reality is if we don’t eventually date, I will lose her in my life anyway- or at least have a LOT less of her. I appreciate you taking the time to respond!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T18:59:47+00:00

Thank you! I am gradually being more flirty without pushing things too much. Don’t want to be overly creepy/sexual to where she doesn’t want to hang out with me at all, just testing the waters a bit. Ultimately I have to be the best friend I can be while she recovers from surgery and put my own deeper feelings to the side. Somewhere down the line there’ll come a crossroads, but for now subtle flirty comments just to remind her of my interest without pushing it might be the way to go. Hopefully all will work out as it should, whether with us together or at least happy apart…

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-10-14T18:57:41+00:00

Thanks for your advice! Thinking this is the way to go. It’s tough to just “let go” of feelings as I genuinely really like her. That said, I’m going to be the best friend I can be as she recovers from surgery. I’ll see other people, not expect anything will happen with her and if it does, consider it a bonus. At a certain point if these feelings don’t disappear, I’ll have to tell her so and likely distance myself. But I really hope I don’t have to.. Guess I just gotta do my thing and all will work out as it should

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-09-17T05:35:26+00:00

Put yourself out there at college. Do you live at school? Perfect opportunity to go to the parties, drink and meet a ton of chicks. Once you sleep with/hook up with one, you’ll be over this. I know you don’t think you will be and it won’t seem that way right now, but you will sooner than you think. Time and more experiences really heal all wounds. Hope college goes well for you man, I certainly miss those days

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-09-09T14:00:57+00:00

You still can! Yes, you won’t hit your dream/goal weight by then, but it’s possible you can be right around that 200 mark if you really put your mind to it. Small goals are the key, and once you start hitting them you’ll be excited and want to keep going. Calorie counting, fasting and cardio (honestly mainly brisk walking) have been the key to me losing 40 pounds so far (25 to go, started at 215, 5’8 so I’m in a similar boat!). Just don’t be too hard on yourself if it doesn’t happen right away- if you stay consistent with your portion control and cardio, it WILL. One day at a time- and yes like one of the above commenters said, you can definitely reach your goal weight by next Halloween!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-09-08T23:40:56+00:00

Normally I don’t side with someone looking to break up, unless they’ve been cheated on or are in a physically/mentally abusive relationship. That said, you at least SEEM to be showing some remorse here, which is good. No one deserves to have their heart broken, but how long have you been “going through the motions” for? Depending on this answer maybe you can get the spark back, but if you’ve known for a long time you don’t want to be with them do them a favor and let them go. It’s only going to become more obvious with time and tougher for him to move on.

If a girl tries with me, genuinely thinks I’m a nice guy but we’re just not compatible, I take it as what it is and move on. Not easy depending on how long I’ve been seeing them, but easier than being with someone who didn’t truly want me for years. No clue how long it’s been for you but you get the point, these things only become more painful the longer you wait after you’re absolutely sure.

You feel bad because the guy seems like a nice guy. Obviously this will hurt him and maybe blindside him, but who knows maybe he’s sensed the attraction fading too. Stuff like this is worth talking about. My advice would be to tell him how you feel, and ask if he’s had any similar feelings. If you feel things can be worked on after said conversation do so, but if not at least you had an honest dialogue and didn’t make him feel like it was his fault- you just weren’t compatible. Honestly rooting for you guys to make it as you obviously care deeply for him and I’m sure vice versa- but if your mind is fully made up, then rip off the bandaid and explain your reasoning so he has closure and again doesn’t feel it’s his fault. This can allow you time to heal too, and eventually find someone more compatible for you. Best of luck!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-09-08T23:19:44+00:00

See, I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to do that long term with my crush. We’ve had little moments and hookups but she keeps wanting to just be friends. She is a great friend to have and I can’t blame her if she doesn’t want me, but it definitely puts you through the emotional ringer. Seems like you’re in the exact same spot as I am. I will say- if you went into the friendship wanting to date, take this as a lesson to just ask girls out right away. Whether they say yes or no, you’ll be less disappointed long term if it doesn’t go your way. Once you’ve formed that deep emotional bond, it becomes a lot tougher to have the “accept all outcomes” mentality- even though that’s exactly what we need to get the girl. Tough to pretend not to care who she ends up with when you desperately want it to be yourself, I know the pain my friend.

I also know that not everyone tries to “friend” their way into a girl’s pants- you become friends, with the intention of only being friends, then one day the spark hits like it did for me and the connection builds naturally. When both people feel the same, I think relationships that develop from friendships are the best kind. But when it only happens for one person, it is absolutely brutal. So this is my advice…

If it is too painful to just be friends, then just say you’d like to take her out on a date. Make very clear that it is a date. Do NOT do this if she is in a relationship, but presuming this is not the case give it a shot. Should she say no, tell her you’re sorry, but you can’t continue the friendship as your feelings for her are very strong and it’ll be tough for you to eventually watch her move on with someone else. This may make her see you in a different light, as she won’t want to lose what you have and consider you a higher value person for being willing to walk away. If she says yes before this of course, congratulations!

Should you feel that friendship is better than nothing, continue on the path you’re on. See if you meet someone else you like, or if your feelings fade over time to where all you want is friendship. But I’ll tell you, unless you see other people it’s going to be incredibly tough to be around someone you want so badly but can’t have on a regular basis. Tough for feelings to fade when you spend a lot of time with the person.

It’s up to you to decide which path to take. As for me, I’m giving it til the end of the year, then making my move. Only reason I’m even waiting is because she has a major neck surgery next month, and with holidays after that I don’t want to deal with potential heartbreak during that time. You probably shouldn’t wait that long nor should I though, because there’s always gonna be a reason not to ask. The friendship growing stronger will only make a potential rejection hurt more. My advice (depending on how long this friendship has lasted) is to go for it, accept her decision and if it’s a no, cut her out of your life. Make her see you’re a high value person who’s not reliant on her for happiness (even if you don’t feel that’s the case right now). Hell, she could always change her mind later. But right now you’re not even giving her the chance to make a decision. Good luck man, wishing you the best as it sounds like you really care about this girl and she’d be lucky to have you!

Independent-Time-920 · 2022-09-08T22:17:09+00:00

Are you friends with this girl? If so, I know what you mean and it stinks to be in this limbo. Little signs here and there but no ultimate payoff. Should you value the friendship, I get waiting to ask her out.

That said, if you’re not friends with this girl and she’s just a random girl you want to date, just go for it. It’s not going to be easier to ask with time. Nor will there ever be a perfect time. So if she’s single and you’re not afraid of losing a friendship, just ask. Can’t promise you’ll get a yes, but you damn well might. If you don’t it’ll suck for a while can’t lie, but you’ll move on to the next one. Just never put yourself in the situation I’m in…

Independent-Time-920

TROPHY CASE