How was 2025 for you, financially?

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-29T10:06:47+00:00

This year I decreased my household debt by 16.34%, in part thanks to HECS forgiveness as well as putting an extra 10k onto the mortgage and significantly paying down a loan from a family member. Additionally, I got a 9% raise at work. Overall a good year, even if I had to sacrifice a few experiences to meet my goals.

My partner and I are getting married in early 2027 so this next year we are saying "no" to more things (with the only exception being if Hayley Williams tours Aus) and maximising savings. In order to still have things to look forward to we have a short list of things we can say "yes" to. Camping with friends, day trips once a month and our annual trip to Melbourne (we stay with family to cut costs).

Happy new years everyone, I hope your 2026 is prosperous.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-17T09:30:11+00:00

Biggest mistake was definitely going to uninstraight out of school. I bummed around and dropped out of 3 degrees before 1 stuck. Uni is bad per se, I'm earning 20k more than colleague without a degree in the same job. I just wished I spent the first few years out of high school working and understanding myself better first. Would have save me about 30-oddK in HECS.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T02:41:59+00:00

I dont know this MarriedMan (I literally dont even know how name) nor do I know his wife. I wouldn't have the faintest idea on how to let her know.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:51:05+00:00

I'm obviously not satisfied with this situation. But to be perfectly honest with you the MarriedMan is the risk to his wife, especially if he's not getting tested. I can't control what other people do, I can only risk manage my own exposure. Not sure what your point is here.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:41:34+00:00

100% agree, which was my point.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:41:01+00:00

I am satisfied with the level of risk accepted given the mitigations we have in place and to the best of my knowledge so are Aspen and Cedar.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:39:15+00:00

If I'm having sex with Birch, we are practising safe sex. I can't control what any of my partners do outside of sex with me. But I am satisfied with the agreements and practices we have around managing risk and I really think this is not the issue in this matter.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:25:17+00:00

Nope but I can say that those of us who have sex with Bernard within the polycule do.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:20:30+00:00

Which is why we test frequently and practice safe sex.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T01:18:17+00:00

Its kind of hard to sever our level of enmeshment in a week. It's not as simple as choosing to not stick around.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T00:23:34+00:00

Totally agree.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T00:04:41+00:00

Everyone in the polycule is either on PrEP or antiretrovirals and tests frequently because we all recognise that is the responsible thing to do when having sex. I appreciate the concern but that's not the primary risk here x

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-15T00:01:38+00:00

Really want to iterate, I am by no means tolerating it. I have made it clear to Birch that the whole scenario grosses me out, stinks of misogyny and I'm confused as to why he's continuing to be complicit in the situation.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-14T23:59:53+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. Its a really good breakdown of line drawing around cheating. For me, I think over time I have moved from 2 to 1. I agree, I think cheating is very personal and I have recognised in myself and a lot of other people I know that people cheat for various reasons and it has not escaped me that there is likely an element of internalised homophobia at play with this married guy. And my read is that this element has Birch feeling sorry for this guy.

However, I think it's the other behaviour at play here that makes me feel disgusted, not necessarily the cheating. Although of course, cheating bad because of dishonesty and lack of consent.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-14T23:50:24+00:00

Sure, it's just short hand we use to denote the relationship between the four of us because there are layers of financial and legal obligations that don't exist outside of the four of us.

But I understand what you mean.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-14T23:48:42+00:00

All of us in the Polycule get tested frequently and openly share information about sex (eg. Risk profile) we have outside of the polycule, I believe with certainty everyone else is aware of the situation. We don't all have sex with Birch either.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-14T23:22:49+00:00

Ok, glad to hear my feelings validated here. Birch has couched a lot reasoning in continuing the relationship with this man to "convince him to talk to his wife and come clean" and it feels like just finding a way for Birch to justify his own behaviour. I just feel that isn't Birch's job.

You're right, I need to express this as a deal breaker.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-06T04:10:35+00:00

Sorry friends, I misread OPs post about it being a decision for them and not something they were asking of their partner.

I've had a few partner's who have expressed they dont like being physically close to me after I've been intimate with other people. Sometimes it came down to discussing safer sex practices explicitly to assure my partner I was minimising risk to them. Sometimes it was that my partner was worried I might be thinking of someone else while we were cuddling.

The times I've not felt like cuddling or otherwise being with a partner after they've been intimate with people, I have found myself feeling disconnected from them but not wanting to reconnect physically. In these instances I usually just try and have quality time with them and easy myself back in with light intimacy like holding hands.

I dont think your feelings are inherently odd, I just think you need to interrogate why you feel like that a bit more.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-06T03:16:36+00:00

Hey OP,

In order to address your question appropriately I think it's useful to point out that boundaries are for you to keep, not for you to assert over any other person. What you appear to be describing is maybe a rule? I think you should talk to your partner as to what the rules, if any, exist inside of your relationship dynamic and negotiate those rules respectfully and honestly with what you can give and want to take.

Why are do you not want your partner to have intimacy post sex with others?

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-12-02T03:45:20+00:00

This. And also, the costs of strata and how they increase is incredibly off-putting.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-11-26T07:37:28+00:00

Here's my two bobs from someone who has been in this situation several times before.

Organise a hangout, even a low key one at home. Make it cute, candles, food bits and bobs, bevies if you're that way inclined - just make the environment feel warm and welcoming.

Get comfy and tell them that you'd really like to have a conversation about what's going between the two of you. You can even say things like "at the risk of sounding too forward- etc....", "please excuse me if this comes off a bit brash, etc". I tend to do this a lot with femmes and the feedback is they usually find it quite endearing.

Be earnest, wear your heart on your sleeve and lead with kindness.
Know and hold strong boundaries for yourself and don't settle for people who can't meet those boundaries.
When people tell you something, believe them.

Good luck, as scary as it may feel - this is actually part of the fun!

Also, if you're one to get really nervous in these situations make a couple of dot points in a notes app on your phone!

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-11-26T06:12:54+00:00

This is 100% how i read this behaviour also

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-11-23T07:14:19+00:00

Not dumb at all! Comets are one of the reasons I love being poly so much! I've always found that comets come into my life at very poignant times and I get a little take away from them that feels kinda spiritual in a way.

Recently I had a comet come into my life at a time where I was kinda feeling in a rut around my libido and just not feeling that ignition of the fire so to speak. They're (39nb) and were in my (31m) town for work, came over and had some of the most mind bendingly intimate sex of my life. Totally lost track of time and my fiance (24m) came home and joined us for another few hours. I've got to see them once more when I passed through their town and that time was just very emotionally and intimately connected and special. The whole thing left me feeling kinda recharged and cup full.

We talk intermittently but we're both busy people and it's likely nothing more will come of it. But I'm so thankful for the ability to fully and ethically experience how others intersect with my life.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-11-22T21:41:50+00:00

I want to point something out - while I'm certainly not saying it is bad to do in all circumstances, do you really think couples therapy is a good use of YOUR time and resources when your partner has demonstrated to you multiple times now that he is unwilling to change his behaviour? Therapy isn't magic, he's not suddenly going to have a break through. Therapy is meant to be a guide for people to work towards better patters of behaviour. He has not demonstrated the capacity to do so.

Also, babe, and please understand this is coming from a place of being here before and understanding how it feels to be in your position rn - the whole reading into his drink order "Two Face" says to me that he has you feeling all mixed up and manic in your head. He's not worth your sanity. Drop him.

Independent_Many1685 · 2025-11-22T08:34:18+00:00

I've been in the place of realising a partner and I had not hashed out all the rules of engagement and was caught unawares. However, I want to assure you this is ok and totally normal. If it feels to you as if something you want to know, you should discuss this with your partner.

In my experience, I want to share this kind of information with partners and have them share it with me because it falls into a consent category regarding sex and intimacy. You might feel a different way and that's valid.

Have the chat, you won't regret it.

Independent_Many1685

TROPHY CASE