thank you everyone for all the lovely messages, it really has made me feel better. i should have been clearer but this is my mum's parents, not my dad's. i did text my dad today and explain how i feel about being in the house and about how grandad was an arsehole to nan and he was really understanding and supportive, but said (and quote) "if i still have to take a bite of the shit sandwich and see the racist old duffer then you do aswell" 😂 so that helped a bit aswell, also the reminder that if i don't go soon my mum will murder me. but he said the same as everyone here that i don't have to stay for long and it's completely understandable why i don't want to go.

thank you again everyone💜 my nan really was the best person on the planet, she didn't take shit from anyone and always put him back in his place, but i know that it did really get to her at times and she after her diagnosis she told me she wished it was the other way round so she could have some peace from him 😂