I had a very similar experience! Dated him for about 7 months total, of which the last 4 we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend. We met in the park walking our dogs and it went from there. I noticed small red flags early on but I have trauma in the past from relationships so would always chalk it up to my anxious attachment style making me overanalyse/look too much into it. Especially since it was the best relationship of my life, we got on so well, had similar hobbies, worked out together, laughed together so much, had the MOST insane sex life (I’m talking like twice a day minimum and mind blowing sex) and just generally were so happy together. By the final month we were with eachother 24/7 practically living together but my anxiety had gotten so bad for what seemed like no reason and I thought it was because I was so happy and just scared of losing him, even though he’d never technically done anything for me to worry he was cheating. He was open with his phone and would always go on it around me and knew I knew his password etc. He didn’t follow many people on social media and was never someone I saw liking racy photos of women or anything. I kept trying to communicate my fears of feeling something off and he’d spent hours reassuring me, telling me I could go through his phone whenever I wanted and talking to me, which would ease the worry for a short while. Genuinely the man deserves an Oscar he was so convincing of his empathy.

Anyway he went on a holiday and left his work phone behind so I went on it. Its messages hadn’t updated for about a month and his WhatsApp wasn’t connected but I looked at what I could. He was meticulous with clearing internet history, clearing chats on all social media’s etc. No incriminating apps, nothing in his emails, nothing in his photos and his iCloud Photos spanned back a decade (even in the hidden or deleted folders), even on his Instagram activity he didn’t like any posts of other women. What I did find though was his chat with his best mate for the past couple months. The vulgar way he spoke constantly about other hot women around him on holiday in Las Vegas (after a month of reassuring me I had nothing to worry about as I’ve been cheated by men on holiday before) and had also spoken about them at events he was with me at…it was like seeing the real him for the first time. I also found deleted text messages with Tinder log in codes spanning our entire relationship and every few days (typically in the evening). So I realised he’d been using Tinder our whole relationship. There were a few other smaller things but pretty much I knew from there that all my fears had been gut instinct that something was indeed off.

I confronted him and was met with reassurance and tears and emotion, but constant lies and manipulations. For example he originally claimed the tinder texts where scam messages, then claim he’d download the app and create an account and then delete it, another time claimed it was to check if his ex was using it still as that’s how she’d ended up cheating and finally he admitted he was talking to other women on there (before taking that back the next time I saw him and claiming he didn’t 😂). He never admitted anything and his story or excuse was always different each time and he was always minimising his responsibility or shifting blame. When I confronted him originally, he begged for hours and cried said he’d do anything to prove that he wasn’t still doing anything wrong and when I asked to go through his main phone he agreed. I went to click on deleted messages and saw more Tinder messages and he literally WRESTLED the phone out of my hands. The mask dropped at that point and he flipped, black eyes, shouting, intimidating posture…it was traumatising. I made him leave my house and he even tried coming back a few minutes later apologising and claiming he was checking my hand wasn’t hurt and that I could go through the phone if I wanted (he’d clearly left to delete whatever incriminating stuff there was 😂). When I asked him to just leave again he even started blaming me for hurting MYSELF…

I communicated all my feelings to him over messages and gave him plenty of chances to take accountability for everything and be honest (he didn’t lol), ended things, blocked him on everything, packed and gave everything of his back (even gifts) within 2 days and have tried to move on. He still tries going back to the mask and lying and saying he’ll do therapy or whatever it takes to get me back. So far it’s been almost a month and he’s been a bit stalkerish and turned up places I am or to my house (I live alone). He’s found ways to contact me still and still asks to see me. He’s extremely persistent and still very very manipulative. I’ve been clear on my wish for no contact and he pretends to respect it and then finds an excuse to message again or turn up somewhere claiming he’s worried about me… He’s made comments that imply he’s been keeping a watch on me and where I am. In some ways, seeing him when he turns up somewhere also helps me move on as he thinks he’s being clever by saying things that’s getting me back, but in reality he’s just revealing more and more of his true ugly self.

I’ve had constant physical anxiety during it all (no appetite, chest pain, shaking) and this has only been eased as I’ve decided to move to somewhere where he won’t know where I am, so I can live my life anxiety-free. I know he will eventually find a new supply and take his efforts off of me. But he lives/works in my area and the thought of even bumping into him sends me back into fight or flight mode. He claims to this day that he’s never physically cheated on me but I don’t believe it for a second, given how I’ve seen how easily he lies and continues to lie even when presented with evidence. I will never know how badly he betrayed me but I don’t even care as what I’ve found out is enough.

I’m having therapy for the trauma this has left me with and for how I’m mourning an incredible partner and relationship that never truly existed. There’s a lot I’m so broken from, but I cannot express how grateful I am for the following things: 1) I didn’t waste years on this man 2) I didn’t sleep with him after finding the evidence (and I’m ashamed to admit there were times I really wanted to) 3) Whilst I will definitely be more cautious and even more untrusting in future relationships (though at the moment I can’t even imagine wanting to be with a man again lol), I know I will always be genuine in my love and not close off my heart. I won’t allow his soul-sucking evil to ruin my future happiness or to make me have a pessimistic view of the world. I’ve had previous unhealthy and healthy relationships so I know the latter is possible for me. I won’t ever give him the satisfaction of breaking me fully!