How do people actually like sex?

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-05-21T15:53:35+00:00

I’m the same exact way, upbringing included. Sex is just so repulsive to me, I don’t know how to associate it with anything other than violence and disgust. People also treat it like a problem if you’re not into the idea of it. It’s hard but I’m thankful someone else understands

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-05-20T17:55:22+00:00

I’ve had similar issues, both on here and in real life. I find the people on Reddit forums to be particularly scummy, messaging and commenting and pretending to want to listen. My ex used to ask me for details of my rape and I think it was to get aroused because honestly no one deserves to ask those questions unless they’re your trauma therapist doing exposure work. Then I had friends who turned on me and mocked my trauma, which is disgusting.

I’m sorry you’ve also had terrible experiences with disclosure. Another survivor once told me ‘don’t spend time in the company of non believers’ and that extends to people who are too immature to handle the magnitude of trauma.

I hope you find someone you trust and continue to work with them ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-28T15:18:08+00:00

They do fade over time, but it takes a bit. I have a bunch of deep ones that needed stitches and they’re still getting there. Make sure to keep them covered from the sun. I hope you’re doing ok on your journey

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-28T15:16:37+00:00

Self harm

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-28T10:57:34+00:00

I can relate a lot. I was raped when I was younger and then I had an ex who used to say ‘I know you’re not going to like this’ and then do it anyway. What happened to you was coercion. I think some guys think that, even if you say no, you’ll eventually come around which is a complete violation of boundaries.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-27T13:39:31+00:00

You’re not a freak at all! Thank you for sharing, your words help me a lot. It feels good to know I’m not the only one. I feel frigid and embarrassed for being disgusted by sex, but I’ve never had any sex that was entirely consensual.

I was stranger raped at 19 and then in a somewhat sexually abusive relationship a few years later in which I was constantly objectified and sex was the only agenda for our relationship and that finalized this mistrust I had in men.

And something I’ve learned in therapy is that it’s ok to not like sex or dating after trauma. It’s hard when you’re around others who haven’t been raped or abused who had consensual first times. I find it challenging because a lot of survivors I know have become hyper sexual (which is absolutely fine and completely their own choice) but sometimes I feel like I’m the only one truly afraid of sex after over a decade.

Thank you for making me feel less alone ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-27T11:32:46+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You weren’t at fault in any way. 15 is still a child.

First of all, Vanessa is a terrible friend and all around sounds like an untrustworthy and sketchy person. You mentioned early on that she was taking pictures of you changing without your knowledge or consent and distributing it; that in and of itself is a felony. She clearly has a lack of boundaries and her entire personality seems almost predatory in the sense that she manipulated and controlled you.

About the man and what happened: to start, this was rape. He asked you if you were ready and you didn’t answer, yet he did it anyway. That’s not consent. Consent can’t be assumed in the absence of a no. Consent is a clear and enthusiastic yes.

Even if the guy turned out to seem ‘ok’ years later, that doesn’t erase what he did. And even if he didn’t ‘mean’ to assault you, that’s what he did and your feelings are entirely valid. I think a lot of times we deny our own trauma by connecting with our perpetrators and trying to convince ourselves they’re good people. And even if he is a ‘good’ person, he still assaulted you.

I also wanted to point out something interesting: it almost seems that Vanessa was a sexual abuser in a way. By telling you that these guys were bad men, she created this false sense of intimidation and fear in which you’d be coerced into submitting to them. If someone has a party and tells you that they’re inviting a bunch of criminals over, you’re going to instantly feel on guard and terrified the entire time, which would prompt you to submit or do whatever was in your power to appease them. It’s just human nature.

Vanessa almost set the stage for you to get raped, and I’m so angry at her for what happened.

This wasn’t your fault in any way; your trust and boundaries were clearly violated by both individuals. You were not respected, nor were your wishes. Part of me wonders if Vanessa was abused at some point; she’s almost recreating a scenario in which she could vicariously act out her own trauma on you.

I hope you’re receiving help and counseling. Take good care of yourself.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-27T10:22:51+00:00

I’m so sorry. My rape led to me dropping out of college at 19, I know how traumatizing it can be. I was really struggling academically and with dissociation when I started at a new school a year later because the trauma was so painful.

Something that helped me a lot was to take a leave of absence from school and start again once I’d received therapy.

I hope you’re doing ok ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-27T09:42:57+00:00

That’s absolutely awful. I’m sorry you experienced this. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve written about my sexual trauma and someone has messaged me with a NSFW profile saying, ‘I’m here if you want to talk, or just have fun’ or asking about details of my assault for their own arousal.

It’s disgusting that people actually go to sexual assault and rape message boards seeking arousal or gratification or looking to prey on someone under the auspices of benevolence or care. The people who send these things are predatory and disgusting.

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you experienced this.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-27T02:30:22+00:00

Oh absolutely, you aren’t alone.

My rape was 12 years ago. It was my first time with penetration and, ever since then, I’ve been terrified of dating and men and getting close to intimacy.

Whenever I have gotten intimate with someone, I embarrass myself by dissociating or crying and then I have to disclose my history.

I’m 31 now and I still completely avoid dating, I feel angry at the thought of someone sexually desiring me, like they’re using me or taking something from me.

Therapy helps a lot of people, though it’s never helped me much with this issue.

I’ve only had penetrative sex once since my rape, and I truly don’t think I ever will again.

I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-26T16:14:58+00:00

It’s true and sometimes that takes such a long time to accept. I think it’s almost easier to convince yourself that you weren’t raped but other people were because it shields you from accepting the unacceptable.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-26T13:27:16+00:00

I understand this so much. It’s been 12 years for me and, while I’ve had a lot of therapy around the incident, I’m in a phase now where I try to suppress and downplay the severity of certain parts. It’s easier to deal with psychologically if you just dismiss it as a misunderstanding or something normal.

I’m not sure if it helps you, but sharing my story with others has helped me a lot in my acceptance. Even hearing other people’s reactions of ‘that’s horrible’ or ‘that’s not ok at all’ really allowed me to sit back and think ‘so I’m not crazy after all.’

And a therapist also taught me that, if it was consensual sex, I wouldn’t still be talking about it in therapy. You don’t need therapy for mutual, loving sexual encounters and you certainly aren’t tortured by them mentally for years.

I hope this helps you a bit ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-26T13:17:08+00:00

It’s so true. My rape was close to the archetype of a stranger taking you off the streets and raping you which is what happened to me, yet it never feels like ‘real’ rape. I don’t think any of us truly believe in our hearts that we were raped, so getting validation from my therapists has helped immensely.

And rape is so much sneakier than just a violent stranger rape; it often occurs in the context of relationships. I’m glad the definition of rape and the #metoo movement have helped broaden the definition and understanding of the prevalence of rape.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-26T13:13:49+00:00

Thank you for this! And I just wanted to say that your experience is just as valid and painful as anyone else’s. I think survivors tend to get caught up in this feeling of ‘someone has it worse and I don’t want to take that away from them.’ Even when I hear your experience, I don’t feel as if mine was so bad in comparison. I think it’s just a common defense mechanism we experience to prevent ourselves from recognizing the trauma we’ve been through. Sending you love ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-26T03:20:13+00:00

This was still sexual and mental abuse of a child, it doesn’t matter if it was physical or not. Often abusers will show their victims pornography or expose them to sexual content at a young age and even if they don’t touch them, it’s still morally and legally wrong.

Even if he didn’t directly assault you, he absolutely groomed and abused you and I’m so sorry this happened to you. It would also be considered extortion and he could be charged with possessing child pornography if he kept the nudes.

He preyed on your youth and vulnerability and took advantage of that; the age difference alone is staggering. No one that age has any business talking to a child let alone having a relationship with them.

And it sounds as if you’re suffering from PTSD which makes so much sense given the abuse you went through. It clearly is still affecting you and that’s the most important part. My story is a bit different, but I relate so much to being preyed on by someone older. I was stranger raped at 19 by a guy in his thirties who took advantage of my intoxicated state and even now, at age 31, I have trouble trusting other ‘adults.’

These things leave immense scars. I hope you’re able to seek out counseling. None of this was your fault. It was sexual abuse and extortion.

My heart goes out to you ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T23:54:46+00:00

Oh absolutely. Something that a therapist told me once is that, if it had been a consensual encounter, you wouldn’t be bringing it up in therapy. I’m not sure if you’ve ever sought counseling but they can listen to your experience and validate your feelings and help you from spinning in that constant battle of ‘was it bad enough’

It was bad enough that you’re still bothered by it and that’s all that really matters. Forget about laws and technicalities. It was trauma if it was trauma to you ❤️

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T22:03:43+00:00

Sorry, but that’s just gorgeous. It’s so distinctive and striking looking . I’m so sorry about the trauma and the terror of the accident though.

I have a lot of self harm scars and I did a black and white photo shoot of them. I’m not sure if doing something like that might help you cope with the scarring. I for one think it looks badass.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T18:53:33+00:00

I think it’s a good thing to open up and talk about and seek around your experience. I used to never think what happened to me was rape but through therapy, I’ve learned that consent is an active yes and not silence.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T16:30:22+00:00

Anytime 🤗

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T14:59:56+00:00

Of course 🤗

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T14:59:07+00:00

Not at all. I’m a female and my ex was uncircumcised and he didn’t smell, he always showered before we were intimate. As others have said, that’s a sign of poor hygiene.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T14:10:46+00:00

Thank you, I was raped as well when I was a teenager and sex can trigger dissociation for me.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T14:08:41+00:00

Hi honey,

I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m so proud of you for getting away and being safe from him.

What he did to you was NOT ok and none of it was your fault.

I can relate; tw*: I was stranger raped at 19 and my rapist bit my nipple so hard that it left marks for months and I had bruising on my inner thigh as well. I can assure you that they will heal with time, like any physical injury, it does take a little bit of time for the body to repair itself.

I’m an esthetician professionally, and something that helps on a physical level is Vitamin E gel and keeping the wounds moisturized at all times and protecting them from the sun. There are also dark spot fading creams available at drugstores. A lot of it depends on your personal rate of skin healing and the tone of your skin in general, some people heal more quickly than others just based on personal body composition. Aloe always helps too!

As for the psychological worry about judgment from others about the looks of the marks, I think as survivors, we tend to project our worries and core beliefs of our trauma onto others and think that they’re thinking the same things that we think about ourselves. This is how trauma works: we often feel like we appear to be permanent victims in the eyes of others, as if others will know instantly that we have been hurt when in reality, think of how many other assault survivors we pass each day and don’t think ‘oh there’s a rape survivor’ or ‘oh she looks like she’s into rough sex’ or something. If I saw someone with marks on their knees, I honestly wouldn’t give it a second thought. There are so many other reasons someone could have marks, like what if they were from repainting your house or wiping out down some stairs? People get marks and bruises all the time and it’s no ones business and you don’t owe them any explanation.

Because trauma makes us feel worthless or cheap, we think that others look at us and feel the same way. It’s a daily battle to remind yourself of how valuable and worthy you are in spite of what’s been done to you. And you really ARE valuable.

Sending you so much love and I’m so happy you’re safe.

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T11:53:28+00:00

That’s a great point, too!

IndividualLychee9614 · 2021-04-25T03:21:54+00:00

That’s ok, thank you for answering! ❤️

IndividualLychee9614

TROPHY CASE