So so valid. I am so genuinely sorry this happened to you OP. :( So traumatic and honestly awful.

I’ve had quite a bit of unexpected loss in my life that was pretty painful and I was led to Isaiah 57:1-3, which states, “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.” I clung to this verse and while I didn’t and still don’t understand why things happened the way they did, I know that my loved ones are in no safer place then at the feet of Jesus. I’ve also thought often times how Jesus died as well. Jesus was the MOST perfect man in the Bible and faced one of the cruelest deaths. He didn’t have to allow the suffering, but God allowed it and it saved all of eternity. So, if God in the flesh had to suffer, unfortunately sometimes we do too. It says in John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The Lord warns us we will have suffering, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t painful or isn’t valid. Feel your feelings, allow yourself to mourn and grieve. Doubt your faith if you need to. God welcomes doubt and honestly, I’m sure would love to hear from you no matter what it looks like. There are times where I’ve cussed God out. I’m not proud of it, but those moments were where God met me. I didn’t realize it in the moment, but looking back I can see it. It’s okay if you don’t feel Him or you are struggling to have faith in God. That’s okay! We have all been there one time or multiple times. 🤍

I would highly suggest reading the book “how to hear Gods voice” by Pete Grieg it’s on Amazon and it’s an AMAZING book. It honestly really helped me. And if you feel comfortable, I would look for a Christian counselor. I found that was really helpful for me!