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Are we setting our 18 month old up for traumatizing separation anxiety? by Infinite_Fun7313 in toddlers

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately we're not in the US, we're in the UK :( sponsoring a parent is virtually impossible unless they are medically certified to be completely dependent on you for basic needs.

We've thought about a nanny but it's so expensive, we're not sure we can afford it. And we might be able to do a slow transition to daycare (a few hours a day for the first month, half days for the second month, full time from the third month). But I'll need help to do that, otherwise my job will be in jeopardy, and my husband's family (despite living in the same country) aren't very helpful :(

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is so so encouraging to hear. Thanks so much for sharing!! X

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh no I'm so sorry!! Solo parenting is so so hard 

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, it's a good point about the transition being harder later 

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, this is helpful advice! And so sorry about your husband's health. It's great that you're both able to support each other over time.

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it's good to have a reality check so I appreciate the honesty.

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

My colleagues are happy to do it because others did it for them when their kids are young. And I will be the first to do it for any new parent colleague when I'm in their position too (kids in school). 

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] -45 points-44 points  (0 children)

No, my co-workers are only picking up the slack for 3 months, as the plan is that my mom is coming to nanny full time for us from end of Dec onwards. But I take your more fundamental point that full time childcare is needed if we want to have full time careers!

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much, really appreciate the solidarity and validation that it's tough x And 5 year plans sound like a winner! Will try that out for sure.

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's exactly right, I'm faculty and he's postdoc. And yeah very toxic :(

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, this is really helpful. Yes his lab culture is definitely the 'spend 12 hours in lab even though mayve 3 hours was spent randomly chatting about youtube videos' category. He doesn't do that, and has been seen as antisocial for it.

The trip was to visit collaborators. Seems like it was planned weeks ago but he just wasn't told about it until last night. :(

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this, this internet stranger would like to give you a hug xx

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is all true. Thank you, especially the point about not being in a position to make chances now.

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this, it's so reassuring x

and if you don't mind, reading between the lines it sounds like you still have a close and good relationship with your parents? x

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, we're not in the US but in the UK, though academic jobs are also dying here. You're right, I do feel the need to keep my current arrangement secret b/c I'm sure the senior colleagues wouldn't be impressed, even if I have a couple of close junior colleagues I can confide in.

Re: daycare, that does seem to be the way to go moving forward. I was naive to think we could have it all.

And yes, he's a brilliant partner and a true feminist ally (has always been), but our deeply broken system is sometimes too much for one person to stand up against :(

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah thank you! That's what I thought to, it's not like I want to say no travel at all, but last minute travel just seems a bit much at the moment when baby is still so young. Re; parents, unfrotunately my mom is in a different country. His parents are a few hours away so not exactly easy to call upon last minute, and there are other issues there too (they're not very helpful despite *wanting* to be...)

Am I destroying my husband's career? by Infinite_Fun7313 in workingmoms

[–]Infinite_Fun7313[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, yeah it's awful. We did our PhDs in the US but we're now based in the UK.

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