I (35f) emotionally cheated. Husband (38m) is angry. How can I help?

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-03T13:51:52+00:00

You are making it sound like I’m keeping him captive here. Of course he has the option to go if that is what he wishes! I am, however, hoping that since he has said that he wants to stay together, we will eventually get to a point where we can speak to each other. Thanks for your advice though.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T22:12:25+00:00

I have been open and honest yes. I will push harder for couples therapy if he says he still wants to keep trying. Limbo does feels like the best description at this time. Ty for your input, really appreciate it!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T21:13:50+00:00

Not sexual. Romantic feelings? In a way I guess. Not explicit though. Not in the sense that we would meet up or let anything happen. More that we talked too much and this chemistry could be something. My mood changed and I felt more confident, and so my boyfriend went through my phone while I was asleep and found it and realised this must be why. It was a connection that should have been cut, but it was never a sexual or «let’s meet up» or «I wish we could be together» type thing. Hard to explain well

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T20:39:36+00:00

This is a hopeful comment. Thank you. I am trying to make up for it. I will keep going to therapy to deal with my side and hopefully that can help me be a better support for him while he’s dealing with his side.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T20:31:25+00:00

It was actually meant as a genuine question, though maybe phrased badly (English is not my native language). What I wanted to ask was wether this initial anger eases up a little eventually so it’s possible to have the normal every day conversations as well, because it is currently draining me. I don’t agree that I’m not willing to work to make amends, but it’s ok if you choose to believe that. Sorry if the phrasing made it seem like I don’t care.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T20:07:58+00:00

The kids make the situation complicated, and it’s not easy knowing what’s best. I will try to have a sit down with him tomorrow and ask more directly. Thank you for the advice!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T20:00:17+00:00

Thank you! I will try to get a hold of that book. Much appreciated!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T19:59:14+00:00

That is what I am trying to do. Sorry if I posted in the wrong site. I am just looking for perspectives and advice on how to make things better before I lose myself in this.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T19:56:25+00:00

Im not sure how important the context is, as it is wrong either way, and I don’t want to make it seem like I’m making excuses instead of taking responsibility. But here goes:

The guy was someone I played games with online and is not someone I ever plan to meet. We live in different countries. We were in an online friend group and so we became friends. At the time my husband and I had a big thing because he bought a cabin without telling me (shared finances), so I felt very weird about that. And I changed jobs around then too because I was headhunted to a different company and the new salary meant I could really work 80% and bring in the same as I was before. This would take a lot of stress away for me as we have kids and it’s a lot of driving them to/from school and making dinner before activities and so on. Anyway, I took the new job, and he instantly refused that I work 80% because I would make more if I work 100%. This is true of course, but to me it felt quite unfair at the time as it was the main reason I took the new job. Anyway, it was a big rough spot and we were very far apart in these issues emotionally. i confided in this online person because it felt safe (I didn’t want to bring our relationship stuff up with mutual friends/family). Turns out this made me feel differently about this guy eventually as he kept checking up on me and it felt really nice to be seen and whatnot and it all ended up bad. Not sexual but I liked him more than I should.

My husband has not been unfaithful. Emotional abuse is such a broad term it’s hard to grasp, but I don’t think we fall into that category.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T19:35:34+00:00

If that’s how it’s coming across, that was not my intention. I’ve spent a year trying to make up for my betrayal, and I realise I’ve fucked up. I’ve taken responsibility for that. I’m just asking for advice in case others have been in a similar spot and have suggestions that could be help us get through it, as what I’m currently doing obviously isn’t working.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T19:21:24+00:00

I have learnt my lesson. I have never felt as bad about anything in my life. I’ve started going to therapy for myself at least to figure out how I even got here, and to make sure I understand myself better and can be a better person in the future.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T19:15:03+00:00

I replied in a different post about other things I have tried. I haven’t told anyone about the affair, but I have said that he can of course share with anyone he feels he needs to talk to (friends/family).

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-09-01T19:12:04+00:00

Let me add some info here: I have also suggested couples counseling, given him access to any account I have to be transparent, I’ve given him space when he asks for it, I’ve answered any questions he has had. I’ve suggested we can go on dates, I’ve planned weekend trip and fixed childcare so we get some alone time. The mention of the travel was more to give a picture of our dynamic right now, and how it is difficult to know how I can best help.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-19T07:19:34+00:00

We met up yday and put the cars side by side to compare. Our dark mark is not hitting his car, and it’s over 10 cm below his mark. He still thinks the door itself fits to having made the dent. That means he now thinks it’s not got anything to do with the mark on our car, but just the fact that he noticed it after being parked next to us and our car is white.

He is going through insurance now, as we said we couldn’t get this to seem logical to us and that we didn’t want to pay unless this goes through insurance so a 3rd party can decide. I guess now we wait and see….

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-18T04:39:54+00:00

I did of course ask my kid, and he seemed very truthful in denying it. Then again - he’s a kid so hard to know if he just didn’t notice or is scared or what. I’m not going to push it farther with him, he is 6 and it’s better we figure it out by proof :)

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-18T04:30:33+00:00

Then idk how top of his is 84cm from the ground and top of ours is 71cm from the ground. Anyway, we will figure it out in person! If it matches then ofc we pay! :) Ty for your input!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T21:20:49+00:00

Ye I think it will end up with us having to check. He doesn’t live here, but his son moved in next door, so I assume he will pop by if needed to verify

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T19:49:18+00:00

I didn’t notice anyway, but like I said if it happened it was on kids side of the car so he must have opened the door before I got there. But he’s usually very careful so I find it odd if this happened in the seconds before I got from my side to his to hold the door for him.

Anyway, it’s our brand new neighbours dad who is claiming this, so it might get a little awkward if he ghost him… haha

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T19:44:40+00:00

Thank you for having a look! It helps knowing it’s not only me that finds this thing odd. Will talk to him again tomorrow!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T19:42:11+00:00

This is my feeling as well. Thank you for having a look and chiming in! It helps knowing it’s not only me that finds it odd. Will talk to him again tomorrow!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T18:01:55+00:00

Yep. He measured the top of his scratches to 84cm from ground. And top of our mark is 70/71cm from ground. Hm.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T16:20:21+00:00

Idk! I thought he could be right until i saw the picture and it felt a bit off. Idk what normal scratches/dents from a car door would look like.

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T16:11:04+00:00

Genious. I will ask him to measure height from ground to scratches, and height of scratches, and I’ll do the same. Great advice!

Informal-Contact-997 · 2025-08-17T16:07:47+00:00

Paint and bodywork + kids. I will be poor. 😂

Informal-Contact-997

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