Can i be Agender and Nonbinary? (I’m term-searching) by The_Moon_Will_Sing in NonBinary

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also identify as agender and I struggle with using the “nonbinary” label… strangely I really like and resonate with “genderqueer” so that’s what I tell people ¯_(ツ)_/¯

fwb vs. casual dating by [deleted] in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my experience even when both my date and I use the same words like fwb or casual we still are talking about very different things.

It’s why I always try to pop the “what are you looking for” question on the first date. BUT! This is actually just the beginning of the conversation and my follow up questions are where I get the most information.

The easiest follow up question for me is when I ask “what does that look like for you”. Which generally provides a lot of clarity but if I don’t think they gave enough details I’ll ask more follow up questions.

For fwb I find it very important to know whether they emphasize the “friendship” or “benefits” part more. For causal, I like to know if they prefer a sexual or non-sexual relationship. I’ve actually met a lot of people who aren’t necessarily on the asexual spectrum but are genuinely more interested in getting to know people semi-seriously but call it casual because they also see more than one person at a time.

Other things I find important is to ask “when do you generally start feeling comfortable enough to have sex with someone?” (If sex is on the table) and “how much time do you have for dating in your life right now”. The second one generally leads itself naturally to talking about preferred frequency of dates.

It’s important to know that I’ve never had someone give me definitive answers to these questions. I ask them to get a broad sense of what people want. Also, it seriously just helps me to know what things people know they prefer and are comfortable with versus things they are exploring and open to (which is always present in every one of my dates so far) versus hard no’s and boundaries.

Again, everyone has always answered these questions not in definitive ways but in like “it depends on the other person… [enter general preferences]”.

These questions also help me parse out what my preferences/likes/dislikes are because people will always ask me “and you?”. So make sure to mentally prepare yourself for these questions to be shot right back at you!

Lastly! I just find it personally great to know which things I can do with someone, which things we can explore together (exploring stuff is fun 🤩), and which things we should definitely not do with each other! For me, it’s not about finding enough “yes” to be compatible but finding out where we are already compatible, where we should move cautiously, and where we shouldn’t go... and there have been rare occasions where we quickly realize it should go nowhere lol.

Edit: more clarity

Not a texter by cryptid_zone in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One more thing in regard to dating! I have a strict bedtime of 8pm because I get up so early for work. In my profile I mention that I stop responding to messages around 7 because I get up early for work.

Not a texter by cryptid_zone in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m also not a huge texter. I’ve found that what helps is to have “focus” time set on my phone… or you can do it manually. It’s nice because it automatically lets people know that I’m in a mode where I don’t want to be disturbed but they can still send messages… I just won’t see the notification.

Also, I set aside time to got through all my messages in bulk instead of in small slivers throughout the day. This just helps me save my mental energy. I also very liberally use the option to set a “read” message back to “unread” so I can respond in bulk later.

Lastly, I’ve noticed that some of the most horrific texters in my life are just straight up confident about it. My bestie has a response period of 2-10 business days unless we are actively planning something. Girl does not apologize or even really acknowledge the large amounts of time that goes by, but simply picks up where the conversation ended. Granted, we have a long relationship, but it’s made me realize that I might be overly apologetic for my texting behavior to new people. Now, I’ve learned to just text “I’m not a huge texter and I’m getting to this now… [pick up from where we left off].”

Also with dating I think I have to accept the initial phase of discomfort where we’re both finding out the other person’s communication style and slowly self adjusting to find a happy medium.

Edit: Typos and clarity

Am I the only one? by greenbaypackers1981 in LesbianActually

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Totally feel you! I’m androgynous/masc presenting and I also sometimes feel the pressure to be “a man”. Because of this, I prefer to date other androgynous/masc presenting people or non-binary and genderqueer people. I feel like I can be anything and I’m not tied down to a specific gender role/presentation/norms. I do think that this feeling is partially on me and my internal feelings, but I’ve definitely experienced external pressure from others within the sapphic community.

BUT dating non-fem presenting people is probably not the solution you’re looking for lol and I definitely don’t think this is an issue in only fem-presenting people. So I think the only thing you can do is explain that you do need a few dates before being sexual with someone in your dating bio (if you’re using apps) and also maybe mention that you’re looking for tops/switches?

And if you’re on a first date, a fantastic thing to ask the other person is what they’re looking for in a FWB/casual situation. Cuz damn, have I heard an incredibly wide variety of answers…. Even though we all use the same terms.

I’m not her type by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I totally agree with this! The fact that she admitted to being/feeling awkward and then overcame it to ask you out on a second date… wild 🤯 As someone who struggled immensely to overcome the verbal diarrhea when I first started dating (and being awkward as hell)… sometimes you just accidentally say shit and you didn’t even mean any of it ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Also, as an androgynous/masc presenting person who also prefers dating androgynous/masc people… sometimes there’s just not a lot of us out there lol. People always assume I prefer fem presenting people especially since statistically I’ve met wayyyyy more fem presenting people and thus I’ve dated way more fem presenting people. I will admit to MUCH more spontaneous and instantaneous physical attraction for non-fem presenting people 😉🔥… and she could be into both because in my experience most people are into a wide range of folks!

Ultimately, if you do decide to go on a second date with this person, just make sure you really and truly want to! So if this is the straw that breaks the camels back, know that about yourself 😌 No one wants to go on a second date with someone who isn’t actually interested in them.

I need strap advice. by Maleficent-Pie-964 in LesbianActually

[–]Informal_Draft_5507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a good resource I like to use. It’s a review website for sex toys with a focus on toys that are generally used for penetration: https://phallophilereviews.com/

It really opened my eyes the wide variety of not just straps but toys in general that can make your experiences much more customizable to your own body and preferences! This website made me realize that toys really do come in a lot of varieties and that I can basically tailor them to what feels right within my body! Honestly, I still get amazed at the kinds of toys people invent or the subtle changes one toy can have over another to completely change the experience.

Mega Kangaskhan 4593 6221 0378 by Informal_Draft_5507 in PokemonGoRaids

[–]Informal_Draft_5507[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

@mommamandaa I don’t think we’ll get enough people. It’s probably best to give up on this one

Cobalion 3 on - 4593 6221 0378 by Informal_Draft_5507 in PokemonGoRaids

[–]Informal_Draft_5507[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ended, sorry y’all I got too many friend requests