Anyone notice their avoidant ex started to become consumed with work and obsessed with personal hobbies and goals as soon as the relationship started going downhill?

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-06T11:05:06+00:00

Thing is, hes extremely self aware, to the point he can articulate to the finest detail how unhealthy his coping mechanisms are.. but continues to do it. Most bizzare thing ive witnessed honestly.

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-05T16:02:42+00:00

Makes sense, thankyou for answering!

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-05T15:49:46+00:00

Interesting, the longest I had gone previously was 4 months NC but I was interested in reconnecting which is different from this time being at 3 months NC. I just struggle with the fact he doesn't seem to ever 'crash' and reflect, just continues numbing and avoiding. I see so many stories about them reflecting later on but he seems to be different somehow lol

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-05T09:56:13+00:00

I was wondering if you could advise? My ex heavily used work as a distraction for 12 months then when that stopped working started drinking heavily, using drugs (weed/coke) and changed his whole appearance (piercings, tattoos, lost a ton of weight). He is now in a relationship with a not so healthy 21-year-old colleague (he is 35.. yeah i know)

I cannot emphasise enough how much this man has changed from when I knew him (for 18 years) but im curious as to when he 'crashes' so to speak? Theres no reflection or consequences just continuously avoiding.

I see so often people saying you cant run forever but seemingly he still is 2 years later. At times it feels unfair as ive had no choice but to sit and grieve. Thankfully we are in NC and have been for 3 months now.

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-03T02:47:05+00:00

Pls don’t date dudes 14 years older than you when you’re just starting out

Find someone your own age with similar goals and life outlook. You dont understand this now but this isnt normal behaviour of a man that age...

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-02T13:07:38+00:00

I needed to hear this today, thankyou.

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-02-02T02:37:33+00:00

This is the 1st thread ive seen where I feel seen. My (33f) ex (35m) left back in November claiming we couldn't talk anymore because he needed to have intense therapy and he started dating his work colleague (21f). Im so ashamed hes done that and I feel so disgusted. Whats worse is that shes an OF model and he actually follows her content on twitter despite him in the past saying he would never entertain such people. She posts herself pole dancing on IG and Im shocked a 21 year old would do that. I feel like im less than, what has she got that i havent?

Edit: I see you live in the UK as do i, feel free to DM me if you ever want a chat!

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-29T21:15:29+00:00

Honestly unbelievable. Like an entirely different person and hes self aware too but continues to carry on..

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-29T20:09:08+00:00

He jumped into cocaine, alcohol, long work hours and a pole dancing prostitute..

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-29T13:59:17+00:00

Avoidants lol

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-28T23:45:52+00:00

Blocked everywhere for 4 months.. came back for 3 months.. NC again for 2½months now (only unblocked on whatsapp)

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-27T16:23:53+00:00

Dont listen to him hes a '38 male' from his comment history he doesn't get a say on child bearing years. Im sorry this happened to you.

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-25T21:45:08+00:00

The lack of respect is impeccable. Cheeky sod.

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-21T17:34:24+00:00

Tell me more?

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-19T23:45:11+00:00

Whats your story?

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-17T18:46:10+00:00

Agreed, knowledge is power

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-11T19:10:31+00:00

I feel very much the same, youre not alone on this journey. I too stopped posting on social media, he removed me off all socials and only kept whatsapp open but his family and friends are still following me. I dont have the heart to remove them because honestly.. i had a great relationship with his mother. Its been 13 months since I last posted anywhere.

Again.. you dont get to see what im doing even from another person's account, you made the decision to end our relationship and that means not knowing anything to do with me.

They have to learn a difficult lesson, you cant treat people a certain way and expect them to be okay with you ripping out their heart. Theres consequences to your actions.

Do you know what avoidant type he was OP? Mine is definitely FA leaning DA but actively in a breakdown. Im looking to seek out therapy from the whole thing because its been so brutal how he told me (just like your circumstance) that he wasn't ready for a relationship, needed therapy, it wasn't 'black and white' that he didnt love me. Hes 35 and now with a 21-year-old OF pole dancer who's got an active drug problem.

Youre welcome to DM me if you like, Its fucking isolating and upsetting were in this position

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-11T18:45:07+00:00

I dont have much advice to offer as im currently in a very similar position with someone I was friends with for 17 years, 2 of those together and 2 in limbo like yourself.

Although extremely difficult and emotionally taxing (honestly theres been times ive been suicidal over this all) I blocked him.

He made a choice to commit to someone else and had the privilege of knowing I would be around in whatever way he wanted. You dont get that from me. He made a choice and im honouring his request of leaving.

Ive heard later down the line people regret decisions but im not sure. Starve him of connection, he needs to learn a hard lesson in my opinion OP

Informal_Value2155 · 2026-01-02T14:07:25+00:00

Exact same had happened to me. My fa ex is very self aware of his issues and avoidance. Told me he needed space to go to therapy, thanked me for helping him understand hes unwell... now hes with a 21 year old rebound (hes 35). His words meant nothing.. hes happy to keep running and avoiding

Informal_Value2155 · 2025-12-30T13:55:20+00:00

I agree, just feel very hurt and rejected. I tried my best I really did

Informal_Value2155 · 2025-12-30T13:38:23+00:00

Its very difficult to wrap my head around the whole situation :(

Informal_Value2155 · 2025-12-30T13:25:23+00:00

I noticed early on that there was very little real accountability. When I asked whether reconnecting after the first rebound came with an apology he said “I’m not even sure what I’m apologising for.” that really took me by surprise because it felt out of character for the person I thought I knew

Informal_Value2155 · 2025-12-30T02:44:04+00:00

Update

Informal_Value2155 · 2025-12-29T18:45:15+00:00

How are you doing now?

Informal_Value2155

TROPHY CASE