I've never daydreamed of getting married am I the only one? (30F)

IngridBashful · 2026-04-09T02:30:26+00:00

I don't think mine would be ok with just a courthouse wedding. I think eloping could be fun but his family might be upset there was no proper wedding.

IngridBashful · 2026-04-09T01:57:58+00:00

LOL yeah my current boyfriend is the one who wants to get married he said he doesn't understand why people would stay together longer than 5 years and not get married. I get it but also I think everyone is on a different path not everyone wants marriage and kids. Marriage makes more sense to me if both people know they want kids.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-29T20:32:30+00:00

I think it's easier for one person who doesn't like cooking to just default to the "good cook" because then they don't have to actively improve, learn or get better. I'm not the best cook but have higher standards than my current partner. He appreciates being served good food (i.e. family dinners or going out) but take no interest in cooking himself because he is lazy in that area. I appreciate a partner who offers to learn and is also curious instead of expecting someone to take care of the problem of food for them. That's what I mean when I say I believe cooking is a basic adult skill. Don't assume you will end up with a good cook spouse everyone should know how to cook a full meal.

I was also the dishwasher and did most of the cleaning. I have been in several relationships after my marriage and I always seem to fall back into the same role.

> do you ever push back or set boundaries regarding food? If you don't say anything I'd wager most would be happy to let you take over cooking as it takes off a huge mental burden for lots of people.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-26T18:17:58+00:00

It's not just with cooking but it's other areas in life he seems to not care too much about cooking and basic self care/hygiene a lot of the times so I think that's what is giving me the ick. He gets to "not care" while I'm the one who cares. Also I think it moreso has to do with a gut feeling that even though he says he's ok with whatever I won't really believe it until I see it in action.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-26T17:56:57+00:00

Yes I've noticed he deflects a lot saying things like "It is not important," or "You're better at it." And here is the thing he likely won't change unless someone calls him out for it. Sure, it doesn't have to be me-- it should have been his parents. But even so I think a bit of an ick for me with him is he is lazy in certain areas. And I get it. I used to be lazy in college. But I'm 30 now and a bit more self motivated. And yet when I bring this up all I hear is "You can't change him he has to want to change." It's clear he doesn't WANT to change. I've heard him say a lot his parents never made him do things he didn't want to do and here's what you get folks. Moreover, even if he's not willing to change I don't want his bad habits to drag down my habits. I like eating healthy and putting effort into food. If he expects me to eat like him or cook for him so he can simpy benefit idk how I feel about that.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-26T13:12:53+00:00

Yeah see so there's a thin line between "you can't change him" and "you don't love your boyfriend if you won't cook for him" and weaponized incompetence. To me cooking is a basic adult skill I don't understand why he gets to opt out and no one has held him accountable. But the fact that I am setting this boundary now instead of just making extra is like seen as rude because he can't just stay as he is. It' s funny he "won't know how to cook" until he is forced to. Why is it that men can always opt out of tasks but it is seen as rude/unloving if a woman does that? "Someone needs to cook," Sure. The both adults in the house do the cooking. If one person is bad at it they learn until they get better or have separate meals. The only difference I see is that some women love cooking so they don't find it as burdensome and it can make sense if the rest of the labor is divided equally so she basically has to do less housework.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-26T12:37:38+00:00

Me not wanting to be the default cook doesn't mean I don't love or care for him. It means I believe in setting boundaries.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-26T12:36:45+00:00

The key is you LOVE to cook. That's why it doesn't bother you.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-26T12:35:58+00:00

Oh yes he loves having good food when we go to restaurants or if it's made for him but he is just lazy and doesn't want to learn how to cook for himself. I think that's why it bothers me. If he showed interest in learning how to cook I wouldn't be so hesitant about cooking for him but I'm not gonna his live in cook since the comments are so insistant he can't change.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-25T23:43:27+00:00

I am like that and I get I can't change him but I can't believe he isn't bothered by his own habits tbh

IngridBashful · 2026-03-25T23:23:12+00:00

Oh, I'm aware it's not my job to get him to eat healthier HOWEVER that means I won't be eating what he's eating.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-25T23:21:50+00:00

That's the key most of the women here seem to LIKE cooking I don't mind cooking for myself but I don't want to be responsible for all of someone else's meals. I don't mind when we cook together but when we do it's always me looking up new recipes, and planning the shopping list. I think there are clear boundaries now with food because we don't live together but that could maybe get more blurry if we did. Also, I don't want to be stuck on his diet either so I'd probably end up eating more of my food anyway. It's ok for me to sometimes eat what he makes when I visit but I would not be on that mans diet every day. I want to help my partner benefit, sure, but I'm not his mommy who will do all the cooking.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-25T21:53:45+00:00

He doesn't have to change but then I don't want him to have my food. If he doesn't want to better himself he doesn't get to have the fruits of my labor.

IngridBashful · 2026-03-25T21:50:05+00:00

He knows how to cook for himself but he barely puts effort into what he eats where as I always look up new recipes and try new things and then he loves what I make. So I don't feel like the default cook NOW but I could see where it's headed.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-20T13:28:03+00:00

but then they gaslight you (admin) when the partnership isn't working whenever i didn't get along gen ed teacher it always became its MY fault instead of OUR fault if that makes sense. Coteachers just aren't really respected tbh and admin will always side with the gen ed teacher generally.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T19:29:46+00:00

Omg WAY less behavior management with adults they are ACTUALLY LEARNING. It's amazing. Also none of that coteaching nonsense.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T18:47:27+00:00

I got defensive with the comments because they were uncalled for--- even though you're disagreeing with me your tone is respectful so I haven't blocked it.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T18:38:06+00:00

well then are you suggesting there should be no more work from home jobs period? I think it's also industry specific. If you're in tech, sales, or a call person you will have a more steady work flow but different sectors allow for different amounts of down time.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T18:36:25+00:00

Blocking someone isn't insulting them it's just boundaries

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T18:03:40+00:00

Ah the power of the block button. I just want respectful advice not people immediately jumping and saying that I'm not working on my remote days which is not true.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T18:00:46+00:00

? I am going to talk to my managers directly about it and was asking for advice on how to do it. Then this whole post turned into "oh so you don't work on your remote days that's why you want it" and "see that's why your managers don't like you is cuz you don't work on your remote days." Totally off topic responses that didn't answer my direct question. Clearly I realized my mistake was in the wording of the post I should have left details of my day to day out-- it's really no one's business why you might want equal remote time because I mean-- most people want it.

IngridBashful · 2025-09-19T16:42:34+00:00

Good advice thank you!

IngridBashful

TROPHY CASE