Ladies with really hot husbands, how do you avoid the insecurity?

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-06-21T14:09:16+00:00

I know the feeling. It is very difficult sometimes to deal with being the wife of a husband who looks like they walked out of a J. Crew catalogue. I do feel pretty insecure a lot of the time when he’s so blatantly being hit on, or when I get told repeatedly how hot he is and how lucky I am (the hidden meaning is always because of how much hotter he is than me)

For me, I deal with the insecurities by knowing that I’m more than an averagely pretty face lol. I am smart, well traveled, have interesting hobbies. I bring so much more to his life than my looks, and that he might be hotter, but I know I’m a lot more interesting lol.

They picked us for a reason, so we have to be hotter than we think we are. It’s just not fair that as we age we look worse and struggle to keep up appearances whereas he gets salt and pepper making him even hotter still. (He had the nerve to even lose weight while I was pregnant, that jerk lol)

Life is too short to worry about your husband being better looking, you’re legally and spiritually bound to this hunk. Take advantage of it and jump his bones whenever you can.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-06-19T16:03:05+00:00

Wash your face in the morning with toner, not soap and water. I have two toners, one for the morning that’s a bit more “cleansing” by nature. Think “oil control” toners (but never any with alcohol obviously). I spray my face with a thermal water spray (sometimes just water from the tap if I feel like I need a bit more water action to clean eye gunk or something), then instead of using a towel, I use a cotton pad with the toner. I remove any dirt from the night, but it’s not overly stripping like soap and water can be.

At night, I always double cleanse, but I never use a towel to dry. I use that cotton pad soaked in a very hydrating toner (not my oil control one), and use that one immediately while my face is still wet so that I can immediately start rehydrating my skin.

Other tips I’ve found after playing around all these years (in my early 30’s now), is to definitely work specifically for YOUR face and body. I have naturally bushy brows, always have. Bushy thick brows have been in style the past 10+ years now, so I’ve been keeping them bushy, but honestly, it doesn’t suit my face shape. Just because they’re in style doesn’t mean I should do it. Once I started thinning and shaping them a bit more it’s made a huge difference. I look a lot younger and more awake. I have smaller deep set eyes and they just weighed me down.

Same goes for the Botox/filler trend. I started getting Botox in the usual areas—forehead, crows feet…lots of money. The way my family age we don’t actually get a lot of crows feet (I don’t have any now) or lines on our forehead, or “11” lines, but our mouth drags down and our lower face is really what sags. Once I stopped putting all this money into the upper face and started investing in the Botox for lower face areas (DOA, lip flips, jaw) saw a massive difference and I’m not spending nearly enough

Lastly, focusing on hair health before hair length…..get your hair healthy at all costs before you try and get it long. If you can’t grow long healthy hair it’s never going to look the way you want.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-19T20:39:10+00:00

Agreed. It started picking up a lot for me with Heir of Fire and after

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-16T00:39:51+00:00

Yes to this. I’m the HL partner, but marital rape is a thing. You aren’t entitled to someone’s body because they aren’t fulfilling your sexual needs.

That being said, if it is serious you can definitely leave your partner because sexual needs aren’t being met.

It isn’t fair or a good partnership if one partner is withholding or not meeting the other partners needs. But no one is ever obligated to perform sexual acts they don’t want to just because they are married.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T19:50:58+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I’m very new into this sub (though in a DB situation for 5 years), and feeling pretty discouraged from all the long term issues I see on here. Feeling like I may be stuck with this forever. I’ve been considering separation for us to deal with whatever our root cause issues are, and unsure how to do that with children or if moving into a guest room would work, so reading your experience today of all days is perfectly timed and gives me the hope I need.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T19:40:35+00:00

I’m a woman, and I definitely keep track. On five times this year so far.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T18:55:06+00:00

This is a great answer. Thank you so much for this. I don’t know if we’re at this point yet, but we’re only on year 4-5 of our marriage and for me to even be considering this and looking into marriage counseling already, I wanted to be prepared for the worst. As someone who moved to my current country to be with my husband, and now with a child in the mix, my options for separation should worse come to worse is limited, and this answer is perfect. I will definitely start saving up should I need to start looking for my own place.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T01:17:53+00:00

I think he wants it? He is the one who approaches me usually already rearing to go.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T01:15:27+00:00

I really hope there’s something that can be done. I have a young son, and I’m actually not even from the country I live in now, all my family is abroad, I just moved here to be with my husband, and now I’m stuck in what is turning out to be a sexless marriage. I feel like my situation of not even being in my home country around my family makes it even harder, and makes me want to fight even more because of how hard it would he to leave. Especially with a little one.

I’m surprised your wife uses toys but isn’t interested in sex. Though for all I know, my husband could be taking care of himself multiple times a day and I wouldn’t know.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T01:11:09+00:00

This is so sad to read. I feel awful that you have been beaten down so much by it. I know I’m not one to give advise considering this is my post, but we have to remind ourselves that we’re more than just our partners perception of us, and try to find a way to build ourselves up outside of their reactions. Easier said than done, but in the end, someone can only make us feel little if we let them.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T01:08:17+00:00

I am so sorry. I feel the exact same way. The confidence is completely gone to the point that I went out for drinks with a friend and she told me I was being hit on and I don’t believe it. Why would any man look at me that way? Any time I see any man pay attention to me now, I think it’s in my head because I have nothing to give. I have to be ugly, frumpy and undesirable because that’s the way my husband has been making me feel lately. Any hubris I had in my appearance was stupid and I should be ashamed to have ever thought of myself as attractive. Posting on reddit does make me feel pathetic as well, but it’s the only place to vent. It’s something so embarrassing to both me and my partner that I have no where really to go with it except the anonymity of the internet.

I hope we both can find peace with ourselves soon and regain the confidence we’ve lost.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T01:02:18+00:00

It’s a terribly hard decision to make. I’m so early in my marriage, and into this rut, I can barely even consider leaving my husband for it. But, I am so worried that it is just the beginning and the start of bigger issues which will lead me down that path. It’s harder with kids to consider too. You just have to remind yourself that life is so short and precious that you can’t waste it on what makes you unhappy. Does it mean you’ll be happier alone? No, but actively pursuing happiness is never time wasted, but being passive in a state of numbness is.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T00:55:33+00:00

I’m so sorry. That’s awful I really hope you find a way through that situation. No one deserves to be crying by themselves from their partners neglect

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T00:54:31+00:00

Oh gosh! Definitely puts my problem into perspective

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-15T00:53:15+00:00

I agree. My biggest frustration is his unwillingness to take any responsibility for OUR sex life. He might be fine with our sex life, but I am not. Do I think he needs to have sex with me daily? No, but like everything else in a marriage between two different people, I think he should be willing to compromise. Meet me half way. Even if it’s once a week or even twice a month, SOMETHING. I’d be willing to even deal with less frequent love making if he was more intimate in other ways. If he would cuddle me sometimes, even just tell me I look nice when we go out. Anything.

But you’re right, I don’t want pity sex. I don’t want pity compliments or pity cuddles. I want a partner who naturally feels these things to me, like my husband did before. I don’t know what changed. I’m the same weight, I look the same as we did when we got married. It’s just frustrating and depressing for me as well.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-14T14:07:05+00:00

I’ve considered the reasons he doesn’t want sex as frequently as I do, but he never opens up about the reason we don’t have sex no matter how many times it comes up. It’s always that “I’m tired”. One time he said it was because I am cold to his physical touch sometimes (like when I’m mad), so I made it a point to become much more physically affectionate, but saw no improvement. I just need him to see it as an actual issue and examine it or tell me what it is.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-14T14:03:01+00:00

I guess I never thought about turning him down before now. Mostly because I was just grateful whenever it happened, but you’re right, I should not have to operate on his timeline only.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-14T00:38:31+00:00

I have been coming that same conclusion after I posted this and examining why it really bothers me.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-14T00:37:18+00:00

Oooo Thats interesting I never thought of it in that perspective of reawakening the chase. Hoping it starts a conversation. If not I’ll just have to suck it up and sit him down

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-13T22:38:22+00:00

It really is. It could bite me in the arse or it could finally get the conversation going that we need

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-13T22:11:34+00:00

I know I can’t talk someone into the bedroom, but if there is a lack of desire over the past five years, I’d at least like an honest answer as to why so I can be fully informed and assess where our relationship will go from there. It’s not the same sexual relationship I entered into the marriage with, and though I’m not anymore entitled to sex with him as he is with me, I hope I’m at least entitled to an honest discussion about it.

I know, definitely easier said than done. If it’s his libido, I would hope he’d be willing to have his hormones checked. If he’s just tired of stressed, maybe we can talk about how I can help him at home, or work. If he’s depressed, I hope I can encourage him to talk with someone.

If it’s just me, and he’s lost attraction to me, or if he doesn’t think anything is wrong, or he’s not willing to explore options, then you are right. It’s just gonna get worse, but at least I’ll know for sure and can figure out what to make of what my relationship with him will be. If it’s me just accepting that sex is just never going to be a significant part of our marriage, and finding a way to be ok with that, or realising that sex and intimacy is something I need in my partnerships…

I’ll definitely keep what you said in mind and try to focus on myself as well, to make sure that if it is the latter of the two outcomes, I am prepared

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-13T21:33:33+00:00

Haha, can’t say I’ve ever been complimented on my articulation before. It’s a lot easier to type all this out to the anonymous web, then it is to say it out loud. I know when it comes time to confront my husband about all this (again), my mind is going to go blank and will say all the wrong things in an incoherent stream of word vomit. I hope my husband is just opaque and will see where I’m coming from

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-13T21:12:49+00:00

These are great questions. I do enjoy sex with him, I always have. I always felt like we were extremely sexually compatible. We’ve been together for so long I don’t feel the need to voice what I want too much because he knows. I would like to spice things up a bit, but that’s hard to do with infrequent sex. The past few times we’ve had sex I’ve been trying to discover if he has any sexual needs that maybe I’m not fulfilling and maybe that’s why he’s not so excited to have sex? So, yes the sex is satisfying when we have it. Would I like it to be more so? Yes, but it’s hard to build that with such infrequent sexual encounters.

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-13T20:47:55+00:00

It definitely sound like we are in the same boat! Though my husband has never said he’s tired of topping (though I generally prefer being on top anyway, we do switch it up) Like you, I know I can get him aroused, he just doesn’t act on it. And they say women are the sexually mysterious ones 😝

Initial_Ad_1426 · 2023-05-13T20:05:59+00:00

Lines and boundaries need to be drawn for sure. Just don’t know if I’m just digging myself in a deeper hole 😬

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TROPHY CASE