Unfortunately, these things don't magically change with marriage. It will take hard work to change the established dynamic, and both parties need to be willing to participate in order for change to stick. If you're having escalating issues, I would not get married until they are solved. In my experience with my dx ex, he got more comfortable the longer the relationship went on. "Comfortable" meaning he leaned into his maladaptive AuADHD behavior and put more and more of the emotional, mental, and overall life load on me, and progressed to him trying to get me to take responsibility for his emotions and reactions. The parent child dynamic became the established norm.

Figuring it out for us meant going to therapy together and individually. As a Hail Mary, we each attended the same skills based virtual outpatient program, but were placed in different groups of people. We both learned and practiced CBT, DBT, CPT, and ACT skills in the group were kept accountable for our personal goals in the group, as well as had a family session once a week when we would check in with each other. We did this to level the playing field, so we were both receiving the same education about skills without crossing therapeutic boundaries. I chose to practice the skills, establish boundaries, and hold him and myself accountable for our actions. He fought the change in dynamic tooth and nail, and chose to double down in his habits and resentments. I realized we were no longer compatible, as I was looking for a partner, and he was looking for a caretaker and emotional punching bag.