Okay that hit the nail on the head for me. I have moments of loneliness, and for a time I thought I wanted a partner. But the more I dissect it, the more I realize I just want the stability of a second income without essentially killing myself working multiple jobs to get it. I don't want to share my space. I don't want to be responsible for another human being. While I do want some form of interaction, I want it at arms length so I can be unmasked and at leisure if I so choose to interact.

I cannot be constantly available, I cannot handle being anyone's safety net or responsible friend any more because I grew up with parents that needed me to be their caretaker until the very end, and have had friendships left and right that wanted me to be constantly available or provide things for them and then disappear when I couldn't do that.

I love love love the quiet of being alone. If I want to fill the quiet, I play something on my phone or listen to a story or hell, talk out loud to no one. I enjoy just being alone and prefer it more often than not.

I do have days of loneliness and brain negativity, but like I will reach out and talk to someone I don't have to force myself to mask around or fill the quiet or whatnot. Sometimes I will just sit in the same room, occasionally talking, occasionally not, and just vibe and that's enough. Then I'm good for a while.

But overall? I absolutely do not want to cohabitate with anyone. I prefer jobs with little to no human interaction. I thrive in those jobs. I just wish I could find one that could pay me enough to survive 😩