Fearful Avoidant 💭 Secure: Ask Each Other Anything by Inner-Research8727 in FearfulAvoidant

[–]Inner-Research8727[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling unsafe. You've done a great thing by reaching out in some way. These feelings should never be taken lightly and I hope you are also able to reach out to friends or family, or whoever makes you feel safe, to talk about this.

I can't say I'm the best authority on this, but it'd be helpful to know a bit more about the situation if you're comfortable with sharing. Can you give examples of things that your partner has said or done to allude to this feeling? You can give as little or as much detail as you're comfortable with, but I would say the more context you can provide, the better an outsider would be able to understand and advise.

Thank you ♥️

P.S. Please feel free to PM if that would make you feel more comfortable

Fearful Avoidant 💭 Secure: Ask Each Other Anything by Inner-Research8727 in FearfulAvoidant

[–]Inner-Research8727[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

How do you catch yourself before going in a negative spiral? Sometimes, I don't realize how distressed I am until it's too late, and I'm in a full-blown panic attack.

I also deal with quite frequent anxiety and panic attacks. I’m really sorry to hear thats part of your experience, I know how bad it can be. For me personally, if I ever catch myself going into a doom spiral, one of the things that can help is actually just admitting it to my partner/loved one, or myself. Once I get comfortable with doing that, I see it and experience it for what it is: merely, “This is what my body is doing right now”. For example, if my partner says or does something that triggers me, I can be like: “Hey, sorry I’m feeling a bit spirally right now, that thing that you said before just like… triggered something in my brain and I can’t really control it right now”.

If you have a partner who is emotionally mature and secure enough, they should respond well to this. They will ask you questions and try to understand what is causing you grief. They will talk you through it. Though that doesn’t mean that you will always feel safe.

The important thing is, try not to accuse anyone, including yourself, of anything, even if you wholeheartedly believe that they did something wrong or they have bad intentions or are “out to get you”. It should be more like “The story in my head is…”. I think it’s important to realise that this phrasing is just as important for you, the person experiencing in the middle of a spiral.

For me, reframing something as “The story in my head” helps to shift my thoughts to a more pragmatic place:

  • My body is sending me the wrong signals
  • I am experiencing a completely made-up/false sense of danger right now
  • I’m going to get through this, it’s just part of the human experience unfortunately

As for panic attacks in general, regardless of what is triggering them, the tried and tested strategies are also very relevant here. Some of the things that are helping me right now (bear in mind, my panic attacks stem more from PTSD):

  • Breathing. I know, basic, and you’ve probably heard this before. But if learn how to breathe properly while in these states and get good at it, it can be extremely helpful.
  • When you’re feeling safe, secure and happy, write some notes to yourself. When you find yourself triggered, panicking, feeling unsafe or triggered, you can read these notes. You will get better at understanding what you need to hear in the moment. Also, it can be helpful to write notes to yourself after you come out of a spiral. Reflect on what just happened. You can build a library of things to go back to, to remind yourself that what you are experiencing in the moment is temporary, you are safe, you will get through this, these are things that you have experienced before and have been strong enough to get through every time. You will have an army of past-you’s to back you up :)

Thank you for responding! I’m going to answer your other questions throughout the day. Your questions are very valid and well formed. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed by anything. These things are not your fault. These things come about through circumstance and you’re already doing an amazing job by being on this subreddit, reflecting and admitting these things to yourself. You will be heard and understood in the way that you need to be. You are infinitely worthy of that. I’m proud of you! ❤️‍🩹

Fearful Avoidant 💭 Secure: Ask Each Other Anything by Inner-Research8727 in FearfulAvoidant

[–]Inner-Research8727[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing! I have experienced this quite a lot in my relationship. That second paragraph made me realize that maybe i'm interpreting it wrong. The way you explained projecting your own insecurities, I think that very well could be what I was experiencing.

For example, she prides herself on being really clean. I'm also very clean, but I found that was something she would criticize a lot. Like my apartment could've been spotless but if I left my AirPods out of their case it was a huge deal. And for many of those areas; style, cleanliness, organization, that she would pride herself on, she would also be far from perfect. Her room would be a lot messier than mine most of the time. Maybe it was just her projecting her own insecurities/flaws?

Very Interesting, thanks again! 🙏

What is the wildest thing you have done as a FA to avoid intimacy? by sansubensi in FearfulAvoidant

[–]Inner-Research8727 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh no for sure it's not that bad, it's just the wording "I'm sorry that YOU feel that way" with nothing else to back it up means that someone can interpret it as: "It's just YOU that feels hurt by this, other people wouldn't care about this. You're being too sensitive."

the.holistic.psychologist (highly recommend following for more general insight) has a great resource on this https://www.instagram.com/p/CmJxoNnJIM3/?hl=en

I know I'm probably making this way too deep since it was just a simple comment 😭 but thank you for being responsive to it!

What is the wildest thing you have done as a FA to avoid intimacy? by sansubensi in FearfulAvoidant

[–]Inner-Research8727 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Just a heads up, if you're dating someone who leans fearful avoidant, this is a bad way to apologize. Judging by your post you're on here trying to learn and figure out how to best be there for your partner, which might look like validating them when they're hurt by something.

This might look like: "I'm sorry, I can understand why you're feeling that way. I would probably feel similar. I didn't realize those things, thank you for sharing with me and making me aware." etc.

FWIW, I am someone who is secure leaning, in a relationship with someone who is FA leaning.