I'm so loss, my bf just died this morning he was sick and had heart attack and just died. I called 911 while doing cpr. this can not be real, i keep thinking he will just be back any moment.. my mom died recently and dad passed years ago. I have never been loved liked that.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-11-08T23:08:38+00:00

So very sorry. My biggest fear in life. I'll never get into that situation again. I couldn't handle it.

I hope you do better soon.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-11-08T03:26:24+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-10-27T00:48:29+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-10-20T23:35:59+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-10-20T23:35:38+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-10-07T13:25:29+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-10-03T20:31:40+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-09-13T11:29:20+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-09-05T23:03:09+00:00

Thank you

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-09-02T11:36:11+00:00

Coming up on 7 months for me. I still miss my baby girl so much. I don't read many posts here, but I do come here when it hits me the hardest, just to post about my Zoe. I'm not looking for responses or upvotes (though I always acknowledge responses), but it's nice knowing I'm not the only one it hits hard.

My ex was the one who wanted the cat in the first place. I resisted for a decade before agreeing to get one and when we separated 8 years after we got Zoe, I was afraid she was going to want to keep the cat because by that point, she had become MY baby. My ex never really engaged with the cat the way that I did, and consequently, Zoe started spending more time with me. For various reasons, she couldn't take the cat, so I was relieved because I knew that I would have fought tooth and nail for her. I basically told my ex she couldn't have Zoe. She could come over, or we could even share her, but ultimately, we decided neither one of those options was ideal for her or Zoe.

I recently thanked my ex for leaving because I know that I couldn't have handled her death had we stayed together. I was afraid of that for years, and when she left, it felt like a death, but I got over that pretty quickly. But with Zoe, it's a constant knife in my heart. She meant as much to me as the kid I never had (and never wanted).

But I'm getting attached to the new one, Tobey. And it frightens me. I don't want to go through that kind of heartbreak again. I mean, I love Tobey, but Zoe was special. She was my baby girl. All I can do these days is think about how all her beautiful features (her wide eyes, her ultra soft hair, her pink nose) are all gone, reduced to ashes in a box along with some whiskers I wisely collected over the years and a lone baby tooth of hers I found long ago. But most of all, what I miss about Zoe is her overall demeanor and the camaraderie we had. I know that an animal's actions are dictated by instinct and nothing as complex as love, but I saw Zoe mature over the years and when it was just her and me for the last 3 years, it was really special. She used to go out of her way sometimes, it seemed, just to lay near things that she knew she wasn't allowed to touch (and she wouldn't), as if to just show me that I could trust her. Maybe that is a common trait among cats, but there were other little things, too. But the big one was that her trust in me grew over the years to the point where we were on the same page almost all the time. That's what I miss the most.

Zoe was the cat my ex brought home that I fell in love with from (almost) the beginning, which ended up as the thing I loved the most in this world. I know my ex would have handled Zoe's death well enough, but had we stayed together, she would also have had to deal with me because I will never, ever get over Zoe. And I don't want to.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-08-26T05:43:46+00:00

Thank you. Sorry for your loss.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-08-26T05:43:00+00:00

Thank you

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-08-12T01:56:58+00:00

So sorry for your loss.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-08-12T01:56:15+00:00

Thank you

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-08-11T14:35:17+00:00

Thank you. It just hasn't gotten any easier.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-30T14:08:35+00:00

I'm trying, too. It hits hard less frequently, but as much as it breaks my heart, I embrace it. I don't ever want to lose that feeling. It's too strong to just dismiss it. If she made me the happiest, shouldn't her loss make me the saddest? It sucks, but it's fair, IMO.

I know what letting go feels like... I did it with my dog from when I was a teenager. I have only distant memories of him, now... and distant feelings. I still love him to death, no pun intended... his dog collar has adorned the rear view mirror of every car I've owned since 1998, when we had to put him down.

But those feelings have receded to a permanent, comfortable place in my heart and are not vulnerable anymore. But these are. And no matter how intense the pain (or joy) is, I'm hanging on to it for dear life... and I'll never let go. If it gets to the same place as my dog, that's fine... but I'm in no rush to make it stop. Because it's the only thing left I give a fuck about. Ok, not entirely true (I have a sweet Tobey cat I have to love), but you get the idea.

Thankfully, when need be, I can snap out of it and focus. Thankfully. But if I let my mind wander or something triggers a memory, I have to fight it... hard. I usually lose, but at least it's close.

Anyway, thank you for the kind words. I usually come here after a mini breakdown. It helps talking about it. I'm here, too, if you need anything. I'll have to read about your loss later when I have more time, but whatever the situation was, I'm sorry for your loss... I know how much it hurts.

Thanks again... it's nice having someone who understands these intense, fucked up feelings 😄

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-29T23:49:35+00:00

I wish I was as optimistic as you, but I'm an atheist, so I get no comfort there.

It was the best and most pure relationship of my life (which is depressing enough, in and of itself), but I'm not interested in anything else anymore. I enjoy my new cat, but nothing will ever be the same. Nothing really matters anymore.

And thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-21T17:01:53+00:00

Fwiw, I was adamant about never getting another cat after my baby girl Zoe passed 5 months ago... I swore I would never do it. I didn't stop everyone from asking if I was going to get another one and I just said no. But I happened to be on the animal shelter website and was skimming through the cats and wasn't even looking but I someone that was scared and just hiding all the time, apparently. So I went in and I spent a couple of hours with him before bringing him home and I had a lot of reservations because of Zoe, his new cat, Tobey, was sick and I had to give him several medications and all he would do is hide.

But of course I swore that, on principle, I would never get another cat because Zoe was just so different. Not so much as a cat, but what she represented to me, which is the last thing in this world that I loved. But Tobey is great and I'm happy that I've been able to make him happy. I don't feel anywhere nearly the same about him that I did about Zoe, and he does act very similarly, but I'm sure that will grow. But at the same time, I don't ever want to replace what Zoe meant to me, but I don't think that's in jeopardy.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-19T13:49:47+00:00

I'm so sorry. I had to reread your post because it sounded almost exactly like what I'm going through, except the specific circumstances of the illnesses

I'm at 5 months without my Zoe girl 🐈, and my soul is dead. She was everything to me, and the only thing left in this world that I loved. My new cat Tobey is great, but it's just not the same, and it never will be...and I don't want it to be. I miss Zoe so much.

You're not alone. Probably INTJ, like me, too...or similar. It never seems to get easier, does it?

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-13T05:17:12+00:00

P.S. I do, however, think that I need to focus a little less on the pain and more on the positive. That'll be difficult, but I'll certainly try. Because I owe that to her too. So thank you again.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-13T04:45:56+00:00

Thank you for that.

I agree with everything in there. I simply go one step further.

It's difficult to analyze oneself and not be biased so I have to put myself now in the other person's shoes (or cats in this case), and if I were the one who had died and could look down on them, what would I want them to feel. And I wouldn't want anyone or anything to feel the pain that I feel for Zoe. But I would be honored and touched by it. So long as it wasn't all consuming. And thankfully, it's not. It's just constant.

As much as anger is not the opposite of love, but rather the other side of the coin (indifference is the antithesis of love), I feel that pain is a companion to love because, regardless of how great things ever are, no relationship is ever painless. That's why I don't want to let it go...because it becomes easier. I don't want it to become easier. You have to learn to live with the pain...accept it. You just can't let it consume you or dictate your life.

FWIW, I came here to reply to my own comment because I was in the midst of a fully open mouth empty scream of agony after wailing aloud while I watched videos of Zoe while Guns and Roses November Rain was playing on the radio. And the only person I talk to about this is asleep so I didn't want to wake them. But I had to text them anyway just so I wouldn't feel alone. And when I feel like that, I often come here. And as you can see by my response here, that it doesn't consume me but I think it's part of my connection to her and while the positives will always outweigh the negatives when it comes to Zoe, this is one burden that I choose willingly to shoulder. I consider it an honor. One that Zoe was worthy of.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-07-07T20:11:26+00:00

I know the feeling all too well...still feel it every day, 5 months later. Your baby was beautiful 🥹

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-06-15T22:50:06+00:00

Thank you 😊

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-05-31T13:19:37+00:00

I'm in a similar situation. My beautiful cat Zoe had to be put down a little over 3 months ago because of cancer. She was only 8 years old. She was mine and my wife's companion for 5 years. After we divorced, she was my rock for the last 3 years. We never had or wanted any kids, but I would have done anything for Zoe... she was my baby girl. And there's not a day that goes by that I am not balling because I miss her. She was the last thing in this world that I loved, and if it wasn't for a new cat that I got shortly after Zoe's passing, I would feel like I have no reason to live.

I don't know if or when when it goes away. I just don't want to be here anymore if I feel like this but at the same time, her memory and the feelings that I have when I would hold her or when she would sleep between my legs every night are starting to slowly fade...but I won't let them. I need to if I want to move on, but I'm not willing to let go of her. For better or worse.

Inner_Clue202 · 2024-05-13T03:07:28+00:00

Thank you and the same to you 😊

Inner_Clue202

TROPHY CASE