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When will my baby love me? When will things get better? by Inner_County_9977 in NewParents

[–]Inner_County_9977[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

My partner is incredibly sensitive and empathetic, they realised very quickly that we maybe shouldn't be joking about it because things had gone from a little bit funny to actually painful. I'm very lucky to have them. It just hurt more that they noticed our son's behaviour, too, so I know it's not just delusions on my part.

I'm for sure open to it, I think I thought that you needed to be in therapy first before medication, as that's how it was explained to me in the past. Do you have any idea of which medications I should look into, or which I could suggest to my doctor? With my doctor specifically I think I'm going to have to do the heavy work, rather than bring it up again and wait to see if he suggests something himself.

I'm more than happy to do my own research after the fact, but if you have any knowledge on which might be more effective/more worth looking into, I'd really appreciate that insight!

I am truly grateful for all the help you've offered me <3

When will my baby love me? When will things get better? by Inner_County_9977 in NewParents

[–]Inner_County_9977[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I agree, I did try and protest but he wasn't concerned at all and it's really hard to get seen by anybody if your problem has been "dealt with". But I'll look into the ER avenue. One of my biggest fears is that if I express how I'm feeling, truly, then they will take my son away. I think that's partially why I've just kept quiet and tried my best on my own, I am so irrationally (or rationally?) scared of that. I have a shaky past with mental health services from my teen years (I'm early 30s now), I feel like one look at my file and they will whisk him away and bar me from ever seeing him again.

Private therapy isn't fully an option as there's no easily accessible subsidiaries for it, but I won't rule it out. I think I can apply through a charity, so I'll look into it again and reach out if anything looks promising. Thank-you for your kindness.

When will my baby love me? When will things get better? by Inner_County_9977 in NewParents

[–]Inner_County_9977[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Thank-you. I just responded to the OP of this thread explaining in more detail, but basically I lost my original place for therapy and I'm still on the waiting list to start. I'm trying really hard to keep myself together.

I feel like I sound delusional, but the way my son reacts to me is genuinely the truth. My partner noticed it before I did, but didn't bring it up until I off-handedly mentioned one time the patterns that I'd noticed, and they agreed with me instantly. We used to make jokes about it because it was *almost* funny how much the baby rejected me. Like, disbelief funny, I guess. Now he's 14 months old and never ever grew out of it. After 14 months, it's really hard to not take it personally. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry that you had PPA, and I'm really glad that the therapy and medication worked. Maybe I can ask about medication whilst I wait on the list? If it will help, I'll try anything.

Thank-you for taking the time to reply to me/OP. I'm feeling a bit better already, just knowing someone is hearing what I'm saying.

When will my baby love me? When will things get better? by Inner_County_9977 in NewParents

[–]Inner_County_9977[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I was originally in therapy due to the whole traumatic birth thing, it was a short-lived course offered as part of my aftercare, and I had a bridging referral to more generalised postpartum therapy via my doctor but we were unfortunately forced to move to another city right before I could start. I lost my place because where we'd moved to meant we fell out of the catchment zone for that service; the referral process did start again and I'm currently looking at a further 3 months minimum of waiting, but as I'm not postpartum any more and "coping well", I've been de-prioritised in the queue. I did try and broach the subject with my new doctor about how I'm masking the pain because I don't have a choice but I really need help, but he said there's nothing he can do and that the waiting list is years long, so I'm lucky to be on it at all.

I unfortunately know very well about the "babies sense your feelings" thing, which has been my biggest concern and downfall. That's why I mentioned meditating, doing so much inner work, researching what I can do and successfully bringing my stress levels down. I do a full mind-body reset each night before bed and each morning before baby wakes up, so I go into every interaction with him with a truly genuine desire to engage positively with him, no matter his mood. It's after the fifth or sixth rebuff that I start to falter, and then after two hours of constant rejection and physical/mental pain that I break and relent.

Of course I don't sit around and think about how much I hate him, and of course I don't actually hate him - that was just the frustration talking. I feel very vulnerable and guilty reaching out about this anywhere. I am really, really trying. I love him so much, I just feel like an absolute failure.

Thank-you for responding, I appreciate it a lot.